


Ruin

by AkuChibi



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, OMC romance, Romance, because deal with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-27 09:26:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2687633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Engineer Malcolm "Mal" Shepard wakes up to chaos. It's been 2 years since he died but it feels like yesterday. His life in ruins, he must regain the trust of his crew, walk away from something he thought was real, and launch a suicide mission. All the while attempting to figure out his newest teammate, a human named Kiyo Montoya.</p><p>ME2 novelization with original male character as love interest. Because deal with it ;)</p><p>Or - my irritation at all the mistrust everyone immediately has for Shepard, and my solution to it.<br/>Note - there will be a sequel following ME3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feels a Lot Like Falling [Shepard's POV]

**Author's Note:**

> Not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I have some vague plans. Why is there an OMC here? Because I already did a romance with Kaidan and I don't want to sound like I'm always repeating myself, so I did an original character this time. I don't -think- you'll hate it, but I've done an OMC romance before, so we'll see how it goes, I guess. Give it a try and let me know, please?? D:
> 
> A few things to know:  
> -It's a custom Shepard but kind of looks like him anyway. Just longer hair that's kind of spiky and is almost black in color, and bright blue eyes. My first attempt at customizing.  
> -Earthborn, Ruthless background, and he's an engineer.  
> -Not everything is going to be correct. See bottom notes for details on some of that. I'm going to make some stuff up; deal with it.  
> -I don't -think- you'll hate the OMC I have in mind, but only time will tell.  
> -I'll try to keep with the storyline, but I'm not going to be OCD about it like I was with the Medical Red Tape series. There will be game dialogue, but I'm not going to fret over it.  
> -I don't usually write in present tense, so this is new for me.  
> -I don't usually write from Shepard's POV, so the parts with his POV might be OOC, I don't know.

_“Shepard!”_

Joker’s voice is loud, desperate. In his mind’s eye he can picture the outstretched hand, picture those wide eyes as his pilot calls out to him as the laser rips through the Normandy yet again. The explosion flings Shepard away from the ship, damaging his suit. The next one flings him further away, into the silence of space. A second later all he knows is he can’t breathe, and while he can’t hear the hiss of his oxygen escaping from his damaged suit, he can _feel_ it, feel the coldness of space seeping in, little tendrils of fear in his mind.

It’s been a long time since he was afraid. Not since he was a little kid on Earth, before he got roped into joining a gang. There was no place for fear, then. No place for anything except survival, so he did what he had to do. He had regrets, of course, but he didn’t dwell on them because he wouldn’t change anything he’d done.

He was scared when he was little. But joining the Alliance… being on Torfan… making those hard choices on Virmire, and then battling Sovereign and Saren… there was no time for fear. It never even factored in, and instead he relished in the thrill of the battle, his old gang instincts reigniting. Fight or die. Do you want to live, or do you want to be crushed by someone bigger than you?

_I want to live._

The thought brings him back to his current situation.

He’s been choked before, even run out of air on some planet, but suffocating in space is different. Space is a massive vacuum, dark and empty. There is no air. His lungs push, deflate, attempt to expand as he struggles to draw in what little remains of his rapidly dwindling oxygen. In his mind he takes stock of the damage, attempts to reach for the damaged part of his suit but his fingers only press lightly against it before scraping away as he floats ever closer to the planet below them.

Gravity can always be a problem in space, but this is the first time he’s had to worry about gravity pulling him _down_ rather than the lack of gravity around the exterior of a ship.

Time slows, stills, stops. He’s trapped in this moment. He can’t see anymore; everything’s gone dark. His chest aches, his heart stutters, and he can feel it stop. Can feel _everything_ stop as his lungs push, deflate, expand all in one. He’s paralyzed before the end. Paralyzed and aware of his fate.

He tries to find acceptance, but this doesn’t seem fair.

_I stopped… Saren…_

He stopped Saren and Sovereign, stopped the return of the Reapers, at least for the time being. Is this really how he’s meant to die, after surviving that?

_Not fair…_

And then time continues, and his lungs feel like they’re exploding.

The end is both quick and yet lasts an eternity, and he can feel every second of it.

And then there’s blessed darkness.

 

_“Shepard!”_

“Shepard.”

The voices mix and mingle until they are the same twisted voice, male and female. Consciousness slithers through his mind like a lazy snake, prodded into action but still preferring sleep rather than movement.

Someone’s talking to him. Telling him to get up and move because the base is under attack. There’s this haze in his mind he can’t quite move through, even as he opens his eyes. Everything’s falling apart around him, crackling, semi-destroyed. It’s only years of training that he automatically responds to the orders he’s given, and picks up the gun and a thermal clip, moving through the base on legs he can’t quite feel.

His body is heavy, jelly beneath his weight. Each step leaves pins and needles shooting through his bones and muscles, but gradually it disperses. Feeling returns after he shoots a few mechs, after he’s finishing vaulting over overturned desks and boxes, and ducking in and out of cover.

The lady’s voice cuts out. The voice is familiar, he has to admit, though he’s not particularly sure why. As he moves, body on autopilot, he struggles to remember where he is, and why he’s here. He has no memory of this place. He’s never been here before. His head hurts, this deep ache he can’t describe. He feels it in his bones, not just his mind. It’s this deep, throbbing sensation which feels like it’s eating his soul, and yet it’s not entirely painful. It’s more numbing than anything.

_“Shepard!”_

Joker’s voice is still present in his mind, like he heard it yesterday. In fact, the last thing he remembers is the Normandy. They were under attack by a strange ship which sensed them even though they were supposed to be cloaked. It was fast and large, lethal and brutal. Joker refused to leave so he went up to get him personally. At the time, he felt semi-guilty about how harshly he gripped Joker’s arm to drag him away from the pilot’s chair, but he had bigger things to worry about. Now he just wonders where his crew is, if they made it off the ship.

If anyone is still alive.

 _Of course they are,_ he tells himself. After all, _he’s_ okay, and he can remember…

Remember choking, gasping, dying…

_I died._

When Benezia died, she seemed shocked to find there was no light at the end of the tunnel. She said she’d been told there was a light when one died.

If that’s true, Shepard’s with her – he didn’t see it, either. All he knows is there was a haze, a dark one, and then nothing. He can’t call it black, he can’t call it white or gray or anything. It’s nothing. One minute he saw the back of his eyelids, saw darkness when he opened his eyes, felt the pressure building, and then the next, there was nothing.

Just as he had no memory entering into life, he slipped away just as quietly.

And now he’s here, and he has no idea what’s happening.

He comes across a dark-skinned man firing at some mechs across the way. The guy is shocked to see him up and moving around, and mentions something about rebuilding him for two years. He doesn’t like that term – _rebuilding_. Like he’s a machine.

His movements are certainly a little more robotic, but he blames that on stress, and soreness. He just woke up, his head hurt, and his body felt so heavy. It has nothing to do with the fact he was _rebuilt_.

He fights at Jacob’s side. Jacob is a biotic; Shepard’s seen plenty of them. Kaidan Alenko was a biotic. _Is_ a biotic. Somehow he can’t fathom Kaidan being dead. Can’t fathom _any_ of his crew being dead.

“If they knew I was alive,” he says to Jacob, “they’d come back.”

At least… he thinks they would. Some of them, maybe? He hopes.

He and Kaidan shared a special bond. It was quick but burned brightly, cut down when their ship was attacked. He can still hear himself ordering Kaidan off the ship, into an escape pod, while he went after Joker. Stubborn pilot refused to leave, thought he could still save the ship. His efforts were admirable, but foolish. The ship was long gone. They could rebuild the ship – not the crew.

Thinking about Kaidan makes his head hurt worse. Thinking about any of them, and the possibility of their death, makes bile rise in his throat, so he shoves those thoughts aside. In a battle, he can’t be distracted by petty things like feelings and emotions. They conflict with the situation at hand. There is no time for such nonsense.

They find a doctor who has been hurt. Using medi-gel is like riding a bike – the movements are automatic and swift. It’s something he’ll never forget. With a wave of his omni-tool, the soft orange flash of it somehow soothingly familiar to him, the doctor is healed and they’re on the move again. More enemies stand in their way. Each mech reminds him of the geth, reminds him of hunting down Saren. Thinking of this only reminds him of the fact his entire crew might be dead.

He decides not to think at all.

Act, don’t react.

Do, don’t think.

He can do this.

N7 training was all about this. The best of the best. No time for distractions. Lives are always at stake.

The doctor is killed by a woman in white. She has long black hair and these intense blue eyes. She is strikingly familiar, even as she’s shooting the doctor. He drops to the ground, dead, and in the back of his mind he knows he should care, but he’s turned off all emotions at the moment. The only thing important is survival.

She’s the one he remembers, though, not the doctor. He remembers waking, very briefly, and feeling overly lightheaded. His pulse wouldn’t stop racing, and he couldn’t catch his breath. She caught his hand but he couldn’t feel it, only see it through the fuzziness his vision provided. All too soon it ended, and he slipped away again.

He mentions this to her. She says her name is Miranda, and they can discuss things later. Right now they need to get off the ship. He glances down at the dead man, knowing he shouldn’t trust these people. They have given him no reason to trust them, and a lot of reasons to push them away. He’s naturally untrusting; it comes from growing up alone on Earth, in the streets as part of a gang. Trust is an illusion; people always want something. There’s always a price to every ‘loyalty’. He’s not sure he’s willing to pay the price for safe passage out of here, but he goes with them anyway, because the alternative is to rot away here, waiting for death.

He can still feel himself floating, thrown away from his broken ship. He can still see the planet below him, so massive and beautiful, and yet tragically too close. He’s never really been afraid of death, sometimes even welcomed it, but now all he can think about is the pain of his body shutting down. All he can feel is his eyes burning, the pressure building, the chill of his oxygen leaving through his damaged suit, his lungs struggling to work, his heart stuttering to a stop…

And he can’t breathe. It takes several blinks before he collects himself and focuses on Jacob and Miranda. They are watching him, asking him questions. They mention Virmire, and how Ashley Williams died. He’s angry, then, because he didn’t want to let her die. She’d been nice enough, and was a good soldier. She died admirably, but she didn’t deserve to die. Picking Kaidan over her was hard, and in the end he only chose Kaidan because Kaidan had to set off the bomb, and needed protection while doing so. Also, Kaidan was closer, and they didn’t have a lot of time. Backtracking through familiar territory seemed easier than trekking through the unknown, as terrible as it sounds.

They ask him about Anderson. He’s a councilor now, though he apparently isn’t particularly fond of his new job. Shepard only recommended him because he knew Anderson was right for the job, even if he didn’t think so. It was better than Udina being in office; the guy wanted it too much. If you want something too much, bad things happen. It’s better to get what you don’t want, because getting what you want can be…

Kaidan flashes through his mind. Alone in the captain’s cabin before they went to Ilos and to the Mu Relay, ultimately ending up at the Citadel for the final battle against Sovereign and Saren. On some level, he wanted Kaidan. He got him. And now he’s not sure what to do, because everyone might be dead.

He’s lost people before. It’s a part of life. Without loss you can’t cherish the things, the people, you have. Without the negative in life you can’t appreciate the good. He knows this. And yet this knowledge doesn’t seem like enough.

The questions stop, thankfully, and they arrive at another base. Miranda seems rather harsh. He finds it odd, considering she’d attempted to help him both just now, and when he woke up before. She spent two years piecing him back together, apparently; now she acts like she hates him. He has more important things to worry about than her personality problems. She’s with Cerberus, anyway.

Cerberus… Shepard remembers disliking them. Of course, in the beginning, he dislikes everyone. He hated Anderson when he first saw him. Cerberus, though… he remembers they were involved in a lot of bad things, like scientists running tests on poor humans like Toombs, torturing him for years. They were involved in a lot of other things as well. His natural distrust is well-founded this time.

He has never heard of the Illusive Man. Maybe he has, but he doesn’t remember. He figures after getting spaced, he’s allowed to forget a few things. To his knowledge, though, the Illusive Man is a mystery. He doesn’t speak to him in person, but even in this holographic image, he can there’s something amiss about this guy. Those eyes are too bright, even when he’s not actually standing in front of him. He sounds so sure of himself, like he has all the answers and only needs Shepard to confirm and verify them. A part of Shepard wants to trust him.

Trust is, again, a fickle bitch.

He wants answers from the Illusive Man. If trust is how he gets the answers…

He’ll play along for now.

He asks about the Normandy. Almost everyone survived, he’s told. It loosens that knot in his stomach, and he can breathe again. He hadn’t been on the best of terms with everyone, and he hadn’t always talked to them very much, but they were still his crew. He’d been taught to always protect them. Failure wasn’t an option.

From there he’s told to go to Freedom’s Progress, a human colony in the Traverse. He agrees only because he must if he wants more answers. If he doesn’t find something to convince him Cerberus is right and the Illusive Man is telling the truth, he’s free to leave. Or, at least, that’s what he’s been told.

Trust, again…

Jacob is a gun for hire, just as he said to the Illusive Man. Miranda… he’s not sure what to think of her as they gear up and take a small shuttle to Freedom’s Progress. He’s not sure what to think of either of them, but at least Jacob lets people know when he’s wary of them. He seems nice enough, Shepard supposes. He doesn’t completely trust the Illusive Man, even if he is working for Cerberus. Miranda, on the other hand… she seems convinced the Illusive Man is right, and waffles between being semi-friendly with Shepard while she talks about saving his life, and outright being rude to him when he tries to talk to her.

It’s a rollercoaster of emotions he’s not prepared to handle right now.

 

Freedom’s Progress is empty. He’s been told human colonies are going missing, but this is ridiculous. It’s _crazy_. Jacob comments how it looks like everyone just got up and walked away in the middle of dinner. That _is_ what it looks like, but they all know better. There’s no blood or signs of struggle, but this many people don’t just get up and disappear. Something happened.

Something bad.

He’s always trusted his gut. It was the best weapon there was in the gangs. Guns could fail you, misfire or jam or run out of ammo. Instincts, though… instincts were honed skills you grew up with. They aided you, grew to help you. They are trustworthy.

Shepard always goes with his gut. His instincts.

Right now his gut is telling him the Illusive Man is right.

He doesn’t want to work with Cerberus.

But he can’t, in good conscience, do _nothing_ about these disappearances. If the Alliance isn’t going to do anything, then he has to do something.

He’ll have to get in contact with Anderson if he wants answers about the Alliance. If he wants their help.

_“If they knew I was alive, they’d come back.”_

He meant what he said. He hopes it’s true.

Trust took a while, but fighting against such a large threat threw them all together quickly. It was either trust someone to have your back, or die in a firefight. Given those options, he couldn’t fight becoming friends with his crew. Getting to know them, letting them know a few things about himself.

He takes in a breath as they continue through the empty ‘ghost town’. The silence is the worst part, he thinks. It’s too quiet but the silence is so loud, ringing in his ears, forming a knot in his stomach. Colonies shouldn’t be this quiet. It’s like Eden Prime all over again, except every there got killed. He saw bodies, saw husks.

Now…

Now everyone’s just gone missing.

They enter a building. A few quarians are there, turning to face him with guns drawn. Instinct has him bringing up his gun in return, as Miranda and Jacob do the same next to him. He’s then greeted by a familiar face, or rather, familiar suit.

“Shepard? Is that… you’re alive?” Tali asks, obviously in shock. He doesn’t need to see her face to know her eyes are wide, or that her mouth is probably hanging open. Her voice is as hopeful as it is shocked.

 _Tali_. Relief is a coolant against the hot ball in his stomach.

“Cerberus rebuilt me, Tali,” he says, sighing. “In return they asked me to investigate these attacks on human colonies.”

“You’ll pardon us for not taking you at your word, Cerberus,” a quarian Tali called Prazza says, still aiming a gun at them. Shepard’s irritation rises. He’s already had a long, confusing day; this is just making his headache worse. The numbness in the ache is wearing off, giving way to full-on pain. It’s distracting, but not enough to quell the anger beginning to burn through him.

“We’re well within our rights to investigate attacks on a human colony,” Miranda says, folding her arms over her chest. “I’d like to know what the quarians are doing here.”

Shepard has to admit, that’s a good question. They should have no reason to be here.

_Unless they caused this…_

No, he tells himself. Tali would never do something like that. She’s been so innocent ever since he met her; she couldn’t do something like this.

Again, though, trust…

 _Fickle_.

“Weapons down, Prazza,” Tali says, annoyed as she looks at the quarian who still aims a gun at the trio. “Whatever’s going on here, I don’t think we need another fight.” She looks back at Shepard. “One of our people was here on Pilgrimage. His name was Veetor. We came to find him.”

_Pilgrimage…_

It’s been a while, but he remembers what that is now, and knows it’s important to quarians. Tali herself was on her Pilgrimage when they found her and she joined his crew. But this seemed like an odd place for a Pilgrimage.

“Isn’t that a little strange?” he asks. “A quarian visiting a remote human colony?”

“Quarians can choose where they go on Pilgrimage,” Tali tells him. “Veetor liked the idea of helping a small settlement. He was always… nervous in crowds.”

“She means,” Prazza says, “that he was unstable. Combine that with damage to his suit’s CO2 scrubbers and an infection from and open air exposure, and he’s likely delirious.”

“When he saw us landing,” Tali says, facing him again, “he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved.”

_Yep. Great._

“Veetor’s the only one who can tell us what happened,” Shepard sighs. “We should work together to find him.”

Miranda sighs behind him, obviously not in favor of the idea, but he can deal with her later. Right now… it would be nice to have someone he trusts on his team. For the time being, anyway. He knows Tali is probably busy with the fleet. It’s been two years for her, only a day to him.

_They say time flies, but this is crazy._

“Good idea,” Tali says with a small nod. “You’ll need two teams to get past the drones anyway.”

“Now we’re working with Cerberus?” Prazza asks incredulously.

_Yeah… I don’t like him._

“No, Prazza,” Tali says, obviously irritated, “you’re working for _me_. If you can’t follow orders, go wait on the ship.”

Shepard fights the urge to smile. Tali in charge is a far cry from when they first met. It’s not bad, though.

“Head for the warehouse through the center of the colony. We’ll circle around the far side and draw off some of the drones to clear you a path.”

“Make sure to keep in radio contact,” Shepard reminds her. Just like old times.

_Just like yesterday…_

He closes his eyes and sighs as Tali and her team leave. Time flies. Really, really flies.

He takes a breath, opens his eyes, and leads his own team toward the warehouse through the center of the colony, as instructed.

 

A few hours later he’s back at the Cerberus base, heading down to talk to the Illusive Man again. They managed to get to Veetor, but Prazza decided to disobey orders and got himself and his men killed. Shepard watched it happen. There was nothing he could do for him, or for his men.

Tali took Veetor back to the Fleet, and said she couldn’t join Shepard. At least not right now. He understands, of course. He knew she would say no, but he made the offer anyway. For old time’s sake. For _yesterday’s_ sake.

_Yesterday…_

The Illusive Man appears before him in a faint blue outline, the image crackling here and there.

They speak about Freedom’s Progress, and about how they have different methods.

“You ever think about playing nice once in a while?” Shepard asks.

“Diplomacy is great when it works, but difficult when everyone already perceives you as a threat.”

He has a point.

“But more importantly,” the Illusive Man continues, “you confirmed the Collectors are behind the abductions.”

Collectors. He’s never heard of them before, but they are making entire human colonies disappear. It seems likely they might be working for the Reapers. Either way, they’re bad news.

“Why do I get the feeling you knew about them already,” he mutters.

“I had my suspicions,” the Illusive Man says with a nod, “but needed proof. The Collectors are enigmatic at best. They periodically travel the Terminus Systems, looking to gather seemingly unimportant items or specimens. Usually in exchange for their technology. When their transactions are complete, they disappear as quickly as they arrived, back beyond the unmapped Omega 4 Relay.”

_Omega 4 Relay…_

It’s familiar. No ship has ever returned from there. Too many unknowns.

“Until now,” he continues, “we’ve had no evidence of direct aggression by the Collectors.”

All of this is really giving him a migraine. Maybe this is how Kaidan feels with the L2 implant. He’s thankful that, as an engineer, he doesn’t have to worry about that kind of stuff. Still, headaches are a bitch.

“Any ideas on why they’ve shifted their focus to humans?” Shepard asks, pinching at the bridge of his nose. He can feel the pain right behind his eyes.

“If they’re agents for the Reapers, it could be any number of reasons. Obviously humanity played a huge role in Sovereign’s destruction. That might have been enough to draw their attention. What really concerns me is why they bother abducting the colonists. Once the humans are paralyzed, why not just kill them?”

_He has a point._

Yep. Definitely a migraine.

 _Fuck_.

“You’re holding something back. How do you know the Reapers are involved?”

“The patterns are there, buried in the data,” the Illusive Man answers. “The Council and the Alliance want to believe the Reaper threat died with Sovereign. You and I know better. I won’t wait until the Reapers are on the march. We need to take the fight to them.”

“If this a war, I’ll need an army,” he says. “Or a really good team.”

A _really_ good team.

_Unmapped Omega 4 Relay…_

Suicide mission, his mind supplies.

_Yep. Great._

“I’ve already compiled a list of soldiers, scientists, and mercenaries. You’ll get dossiers on the best of them. Finding them and convincing them to work with you could be challenging, but you’re a natural leader.”

“I’ll continue to track the Collectors,” the Illusive Man continues. “When they make their next appearance, I’ll notify you and your team. Be ready.”

“Keep your list,” he sighs, shaking his head. “I want people I trust. The ones who helped me stop Saren and the geth.”

“That was two years ago, Commander. Most of them have moved on, or their allegiances have changed.”

_Changed…?_

“Where’s Kaidan Alenko?”

Kaidan would be on his side, he was sure. They were friends. Co-workers.

_More…_

“He’s still with the Alliance,” the Illusive Man tells him. “Promoted, I believe. His file is surprisingly well classified.”

_Hmm… strange…_

But at least he’s doing well for himself.

“Where’s Garrus Vakarian?”

He and Garrus were pretty tight after stopping Saren. He found it easy to get along with the turian. They had similar interests.

“The turian disappeared a few months after you were declared dead. Even we haven’t been able to locate him.”

_That’s strange._

It doesn’t seem like Garrus to just vanish.

“Where’s Urdnot Wrex?”

“He returned to Tuchanka and he hasn’t gone off-world in over a year. He’s trying to unite the krogan clans.”

Shepard sighed, shoulders slouching a little.

_So… old team is a no-go, then._

“Okay, I get it. They’re not available.”

“You’re a leader, Shepard. You’ll get who you need.”

_Might as well make the most of it._

He can’t just let humans keep disappearing, after all. He’ll have to work with the people the Illusive Man has chosen.

It doesn’t quite sit well with him, but it’s been a long day, and his head hurts. He’s ready to sleep for another two years.

“You worry about the Collectors. I’ll make sure my team’s ready.”

“Good. Two things before you go,” the Illusive Man says, causing him to frown.

_Great. He’s throwing more stuff at me._

He’s not sure how much more he can take right now. He just wants to lay down. Forever.

“First, head to Omega and find Mordin Solus. He’s a brilliant salarian scientist. Our intelligence suggests he may know how to counteract the Collectors’ paralyzing seeker swarms.”

“Sounds good,” he sighs. “What else?”

_Just let me sleep, dammit._

“I found a pilot I think you might like. I hear he’s one of the best.”

Shepard frowns, confused, until the door behind him opens. He turns to find a familiar face looking at him. Joker looks the same as always, but walks a little straighter, stands a little higher. There’s this faint half-smile on his face as their eyes meet. Shepard can still hear his voice in his head. Hears it like it was yesterday, because to him, it was.

“Just like old times, huh?” Joker asks, but there’s this slight shakiness to his voice.

It washes away a bit of the memory of Joker calling for him when he died. Only slightly. Very, very slightly. And his head still hurts.

They walk out of that room and down a long hallway. Shepard’s still shocked Joker’s here, someone he can trust.

“I can’t believe it’s you, Joker,” he finds himself saying, headache be damned.

“Look who’s talking,” Joker says back. “I watched you get spaced.”

“I got lucky,” Shepard tells him, “with a lot of strings attached. How’d you get here?”

“It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus.”

“You really trust the Illusive Man?” Shepard asks as they round a corner.

“I don’t trust anyone who makes more than I do,” Joker says, and Shepard smirks because it’s finally something familiar, Joker’s humor. “But they aren’t all bad. Saved your life, let me fly. And then there’s this.”

_This?_

“They only told me last night.”

They’re looking through a window now, and Shepard can’t quite believe what he’s seeing.

“Just needs a name.”

Joker shows him their new ship which they name the Normandy SR-2.

Shepard’s still trying to process everything as they get onto the ship and start to settle in. In his mind, yesterday he as on the SSV Normandy SR-1 with his crew. Today he’s surrounded by strangers, it’s two years in the future, and this new Normandy has an AI called EDI.

All of this information is a little overwhelming.

It feels a lot like falling.

 

He doesn’t see his face until they’re leaving the Cerberus base, heading toward Omega to pick up Mordin Solus, and the Archangel is there as well. He’s been running around the ship so far, attempting to talk to everyone and get a sense of who is around him. They think it’s because he wants to be friendly; it’s actually more of the ‘know thy enemy’ thing than anything else. He doesn’t trust any of these people; they’re all strangers to him, except Joker. And Dr. Chakwas.

Dr. Chakwas is a welcome sight. She’s the one who shows him his face, the red scars and the reddish glow to his usually blue eyes. His face is a ruined canvas. He can only stare at his reflection, stare at the horror of it all. He was never a vain person, but this is… wrong. His face shouldn’t look like this, he knows. He feels… like a zombie somehow, half healed and half… open.

He chucks the mirror at the wall. The sight of it shattering doesn’t leave him feeling anything. Perhaps that should be a sign something is wrong, but at the moment he doesn’t care. Dr. Chakwas calls out for him as he leaves the med bay, but he ignores her.

Everyone’s been staring at him. He thought it was because he ‘returned from the dead’. But now he knows otherwise. They have been staring at the scars. Staring at his face. Judging him.

He’s not vain, but this…

In all honesty, he’s not even sure why he’s angry. Maybe because no one mentioned it. Then again, _no one mentioned it_. Maybe no one cared about the odd scars. They didn’t bother him; they weren’t sore, or itchy, they were just _there_.

 _Deal with it,_ he told himself.

This was when he decided to look for other scars on his body.

He had a multitude of them he collected over the years, both from childhood and after he joined the Alliance when he was eighteen. As he strips in his new captain’s cabin – even though he’s never made the rank of captain – he finds himself staring at smooth, untarnished skin, save for the ones on his face. Everything else seems to healed. A clean slate.

Except he doesn’t feel clean.

The scars made him human.

His body has nothing left of that anymore.

He’s not sure what to think. Exhaustion tugs at him. His head is burning.

He’s heading toward the bed before he knows he’s moving. His feet trip over the small step leading toward the bed, and he topples into the softness of his pillows. He knows it’s been years since he’s slept in a bed, or, hell, slept at _all_ , but to him it feels only like a day. One very long, very confusing day.

But the day’s finally over.

And he can sleep for a few hours before they reach Omega.

Drifting off to sleep feels even more like falling. Like he’s floating… above a planet…

 

He hasn’t had nightmares in a long time. Not since childhood. He’s always made sure he’s too tired to dream. He will sleep when his body demands it, and his mind is too exhausted for any thoughts or dreams to emerge. He was exhausted when he went to sleep, and still he dreamed.

It’s Joker’s voice that snaps him out of his nightmare, leaving him sitting up, breathless and sweaty. Joker tells him they will be arriving at Omega in twenty minutes, if there’s anything he needs to do before they go.

He thanks his pilot and scrubs a hand over his face. He got a few hours of sleep, and he’d been asleep for two years, but his eyelids are heavy with grit. His heart returns to a normal rhythm, thoughts of falling dispersing.

He’s never been afraid of heights or falling, and he’s not going to start now.

This will pass, eventually.

He’s the great Commander Shepard, after all. He can’t be having nightmares about something as simple as falling.

He shakes it off and heads toward his new bathroom. The old Captain’s Cabin never had one of these. It’s a nice touch, but unnecessary. Then again, he doesn’t really want the crew to see him like this. It’s bad enough he has these scars; they don’t need to see him shaken from a _nightmare_.

He heads toward his private terminal in his room after he’s done using the bathroom and splashing water over his face, checking for new messages.

_From: Councilor Anderson_

_On the off chance the rumors are true and you actually are alive, I need you to come and talk to me on the Citadel. A lot has changed in the last two years. You put me on the Council, and it’s only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we’ve been hearing._

He stares at the message for a long time. Explain what they’ve been hearing. He just woke up and he has to explain himself? To Anderson? To the _Council_? He sacrificed a lot of humans to save the Council. He didn’t do it lightly. He didn’t even do it for the right reasons. He did it because he might need their help in this war one day, and better to have them owe him a favor.

Now they want him to explain himself. For what? Being revived? As if he had any say in the matter!

He scrubs a hand across his face, sighing. He’s too irritated to respond to Anderson right now. If he decides to go to the Citadel, he’ll deal with him then. Right now… he just can’t deal with this.

He scrolls through the other messages. One about a mercenary he can track down; the other about a thief. He’s collecting a mercenary and a thief for his team. He can’t help but feel this is the wrong course of action. How is he supposed to be able to trust any of these people? Or earn their trust in return? Mercenaries are just hired guns, but worse than what Jacob is. They don’t care who they kill. Jacob’s doing this for what he thinks is the right reason. That makes all the difference.

And a thief…

He already has enough to worry about without adding a thief to that list.

Lingering here won’t help, though. He scrolls through the messages again.

_Normandy Crash Site Located._

His body freezes, then, spine snapping taut. He’s not sure he’s even breathing for a long moment, before he manages to regain clarity. He’s not floating over a planet anymore; he’s not gasping for air that’s not there. He’s fine. The Normandy was a ship, not a person, and not him. He has no reason to feel this way over a dead ship.

It was _his_ ship, and he _loves_ ships and technology, but even so, it’s nothing to get worked up over. He knew the ship was dead. All he’s going to find at the crash site are memories of a life killed two years ago.

He ignores that message for now.

Right now he needs to focus on finding Mordin Solus, and beginning to form his team and a way to take down the Collectors.

 

Recruiting Mordin Solus is… easier than he thought. The scientist agrees to help them if they help him disperse a cure for the plague. They succeed, and he joins them without protest.

He knows he should get the mercenary and Archangel while he’s there, but he figures his team needs rest. They can regroup later today, or tomorrow. He’s been moving nonstop since he woke up at that Cerberus base; a little relaxation might help. Then again, the Collectors are taking human colonies; there might not be _time_ to rest.

_Or not._

He’s honestly not sure of anything at this point.

He spends a lot of time alone in his cabin on the upper deck of the ship. There’s a large fish tank as a wall but there’s nothing in it. It’s just water glistening in the light of the room. It’s a nice room, large and equipped with a bed, couch, and desk for all of his needs, even a bathroom and shower. It’s more than the old Normandy had.

There’s a picture of Kaidan on his desk. He barely glanced at it before, too tired to think about much of anything, but now he picks it up and looks it over. He remembers this being on his desk on the first Normandy, after he and Kaidan got together. He wonders, briefly, how Cerberus got their hands on this picture but finds he’s oddly grateful. Grateful for the reminder of what he had, and yet also angry. Because it’s only been a few days for him – two years for everyone else.

The Illusive Man said they moved on, his old crew. Tali certainly did. Kaidan must have as well. He’s not sure what to think about this, so he pushes it away and puts Kaidan’s picture back down. Maybe when this is over, he’ll see where he stands with Kaidan. Until then, he has a job to do.

He opens up a few of his messages, ignoring the one from Anderson, and the one regarding the Normandy’s crash site. There’s a message from the Illusive Man.

_From: Illusive Man_

_Shepard, it might interest you to know I have found another potential asset for your crew. I can’t find much about him, but he might prove useful. Go to the Citadel and look for a human named Kiyo Montoya. He should be found in C-Sec. Ask for Bailey, he should know where he is. Good luck._

Great. Another message telling him to go to the Citadel.

_I’ll go there when I’m damn well ready._

Going there means seeing Anderson and the Council, and attempting to ‘explain himself. What is there to explain? The fact he just woke up and he’s being accused of being a traitor? How is he going to explain his actions when he was unconscious for two years? Or, rather, _dead_. Face the facts, he tells himself. He died. How he is alive now is a miracle, but thinking about it doesn’t help. He’s not sure he wants to know how Cerberus made this happen.

He pushes to his feet. He needs to get out of this room.

Mordin is hyperactive, to put it nicely. It’s a quick walk to the tech area, where Mordin’s set up shop and has already started looking for a way to counteract the paralyzing agents of the ‘swarm’ the Collectors are using. He also has some ideas for some ship upgrades, which is a good idea since they are going to ultimately attempt to go through the unmapped Omega 4 Relay. They will need all the help they can get to make it through there in one piece and even have a prayer of coming out alive.

_This is a suicide mission._

It’s not the first time he’s thought this since he woke up, but it’s the first time it really hits him. Indecision rushes through him. Is he doing the right thing? Is the crew well informed? Do they know this is probably a suicide mission, and they probably won’t make it back out alive? They must know, he tells himself, because they weren’t forced to come here, they decided to on their own. They can leave at any time if they feel like it. He won’t force anyone to stay.

Not for the first time, he misses his old crew.

Dying wasn’t his decision.

The fact he might have been brought back only to die again…

It, too, feels a lot like falling.

 

 

 


	2. One More Mission [Kiyo's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiyo's not quite sure what to make of the Normandy, or Commander Shepard, but he'll stick around for now until he learns more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... I'm nervous about this chapter. I'm not sure if I like it. Meh, whatever. Hope it sounds okay though :) Review? :D

Chapter 2 – One More Mission [Kiyo’s POV]

 

There’s a buzz at the door to his ‘cell’, though C-Sec has some of the finest cells he’s ever seen. It’s incredibly easy to forget you’re even incarcerated. He looks up from where he’s sitting in an uncomfortable chair to find two C-Sec officers looking at him.

“You’re free to go,” they say.

He gets to his feet. He wants to ask why, but can’t look a gift horse in the mouth, so the saying goes. He follows them from the cell and finds an unfamiliar set of faces waiting for him. His fingers twitch, ready to reach for his gun, but C-Sec confiscated everything. So he instead smiles at his ‘visitors’.

“Are you Kiyo Montoya?” the only human in the group asks. The others are turian and salarian, respectively. It’s been a while since he’s seen alien races working together. It’s a little strange, especially when the human is wearing Cerberus stripes on his uniform.

A part of him is immediately untrusting, but this must be different because there are aliens with this human. Aliens working for Cerberus. Plus, it appears they got him out of lock-up, so he will at least hear them out.

“Yes,” the turian says. “That’s Kiyo Montoya. We’ve… crossed paths a few times. Deep cover operative for C-Sec.”

And now he knows why the turian seems familiar, and he can’t stop the smirk from crossing his face. “Ah, Garrus Vakarian. They told me you left, found yourself something ‘high and mighty’ to do with your time. What brings you here?”

His gaze then slips back toward the human.

“Yep, I’m Kiyo,” he says, eying the human and the scars. The scars are… intriguing. He has never seen anything like them before. It is rude to stare, but he’s never cared about being rude, so why start now? “Who are you?”

“Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy,” the human says, blue eyes narrowing somewhat at the scrutiny. Vakarian, meanwhile, just stands behind him like he’s used to this whole act. Must have happened before.

_Commander Shepard._

The name sounds familiar, as does the ship name, but Kiyo’s never been very good with names. He eyes the scars on the commander’s face a little longer, the redness to them. As though sensing what he’s doing, the commander’s eyes narrow further into thin slits. It takes a second for him to even realize why he knows the ship’s name at all. Something to do with Saren and the attack on the Citadel, but he was in deep cover away from the Citadel at the time of the attack. He doesn’t ‘come up for air’ very often.

“I’ve come to ask you to join the Normandy.”

“Join a ship?” he asks, mostly to clarify. He’s not a spacer, after all. He’s caught a lift on a few, and he can understand their necessity, but he’ll keep his feet on solid ground, thanks very much.

“Yes,” Shepard says. “Or you can return to your cell. What’ll it be?”

“Well,” Kiyo drawls, tossing out a faint smirk and the _delightful_ ultimatum, “given _those_ options… lead the way, Commander.”

Shepard nods, bright blue eyes shifting toward the doorway as he inclines his chin in that direction. Kiyo was never really in the military, so to speak, but he knows how to follow orders. C-Sec at least taught him something. He nods and moves in that direction, aware of the eyes watching his back. He’s used to that, though, since he does have a history of being… _untrustworthy_ , most would say. He’s gotten in trouble one too many times, even with his C-Sec authorization for deep cover operations.

Ends don’t always justify the means, apparently.

The walk to the docking bay is a short one, and soon he’s on the Normandy. Now he remembers the ship completely, upon seeing it. It was there at the Citadel when it was attacked. Kiyo himself was nowhere near the Citadel when this occurred, but he heard stories. The stories about the Normandy, and Commander Shepard. The ship is larger than he thought it would be, but he’s not complaining. He’s never been fond of tight spaces, anyway. Everything about this ship is shiny and new, recently put together, no wear and tear in sight. He can appreciate new technology.

He tries to think of why Shepard would want him on the Normandy. To his knowledge he hasn’t pissed anyone off recently. Well, other than C-Sec. He was only in C-Sec confinement because he got caught having a disagreement with his informant. It’s okay to punch people, just not when certain people are looking, apparently. His ‘lock-up’ wasn’t really bad, just inconvenient while he went through processing. One too many moments of ‘aggression’, they said. Throwing him out seems the easiest option for them, so if this is a chance for a new job…

And now he’s on a ship. He tries to think of _why_ , but comes up empty. He’s worked almost exclusively in the Citadel’s underbelly. Everyone thought it was perfect and safe; it has gangs and dangers just like anywhere else, people have just gotten better at hiding it. He rarely has to travel in a ship.

“Have you been briefed?” Shepard asks as they are in the mess ten minutes later. They’ve just walked through the security checkpoint, tossed what little possessions Kiyo has in the shuttle area for the time being, and entered the elevator to get out on deck three. The commander has just dropped off some supplies to the cook, who seems happy about it.

“Nope,” he says, looking around the area he now finds himself in, before dragging his gaze back toward the commander. “Why am I here?”

Shepard runs a hand through his spiky, dark brown – nearly black – hair. “I don’t know. Was hoping you’d tell me.”

“Um…”

He doesn’t often find himself speechless, but at the moment he’s not entirely sure what to do or say. He knows nothing about what’s happening right now. Two days ago he was thrown in a cell because they thought him a ‘flight risk’ during his processing; now he’s on a ship with the ‘famous’ – or infamous, depending on who you ask – Commander Shepard on the SSV Normandy, and he has no idea why.

“I’m building a team,” Shepard says simply, shaking his head at whatever look must be on Kiyo’s face. “Have you heard of the human colonies going missing?”

It’s something he’s familiar with, so he nods. Of course he’s heard of it; he wasn’t completely under a rock in C-Sec. “Yeah, but it’s not anyone’s concern. Or, at least, the Council isn’t concerned.”

Then again, the Council isn’t concerned with much these days. They think everything is perfectly fine. Why should they believe otherwise?

Shepard scowls, looking down at the table they are sitting at. There’s a flicker of something in his eyes but by the time he looks back at Kiyo, it’s gone. “The Collectors are behind it.”

Kiyo is familiar with them only by name. He’s heard it a few times. “Why would they want humans?”

“We think they are working with the Reapers.”

“Reapers…”

“Sovereign,” Shepard clarifies. “It was a Reaper. There are more coming. The Collectors are working with them.”

“Okay,” he sighs, shrugging, attempting to comprehend all of this. “I don’t know much about any of that, but I can believe it.”

He’s heard the title of ‘Reapers’ before, and he knows Sovereign was something massive, highly advanced. He can see it being a Reaper, and he can see there being more than one of them. If the Collectors are taking humans and are working for the Reapers…

_It can’t be good._

“Why are you with Cerberus?” he asks.

“They… They helped me when I was in a tight spot,” Shepard says, shrugging even as he looks away. “And they have intel I don’t. What’s it matter who I’m with, as long as we save the colonies?”

Kiyo shrugs again. “Point,” he says. “Alright, why am I here, then?”

“The Illusive Man seems to think you have… the potential to be on our team.”

“Uh huh,” he says slowly. “I’ve heard of this guy. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”

He hasn’t personally met the Illusive Man, but he’s heard of him. A lot of people don’t agree with him; the Alliance certainly hates him. Kiyo’s no fan of the Alliance, even though he’s been with C-Sec, but he’s definitely not willing to work with them. They were never there for him when he needed it; why side with them? Cerberus, of course, is no better.

Cerberus cost him a lot in the past. Remembering this leaves him closing his eyes, though, as an image of his mother and father slip through his mind. His dad with his dark brown hair, starting to gray in some spots, and bright blue eyes. Shepard’s eyes remind him of this, a little. His mother was pretty in her own way. A lot of the kids used to tease him relentlessly that she was a ‘butter-face’, as in her body looked good, but her face lacked a little something.

Dad always found her beautiful, though. That’s what mattered.

She died when he was ten. Brain aneurism. Quick, sudden. After that, his dad was away at work all the time.

Remembering them hurts, mainly because of how it ended.

Thankfully Shepard snaps him out of his thoughts before he can remember this.

“I don’t like working with Cerberus either,” Shepard says, “but right now they are the best hope for saving the colonies. I can’t in good conscience walk away and do nothing about this. I know you can’t either.”

“Oh?” Kiyo snorts. “And how do you know that?”

“I read up on you,” Shepard says. “Born on a remote colony in the Terminus Systems. It was a difficult birth, according to the files. You lived there until you were fifteen, when you left the colony and moved to Earth. You were born with the unique ability to not feel pain. I believe it’s called-”

“Congenital analgesia.” Kiyo stares at the commander for a long moment, something tightening marginally in his chest. “You… What… You _looked me up_?”

“Can’t be too careful these days. Sorry, Montoya.”

“Ugh, please, it’s just Kiyo,” he mutters, shaking his head. Montoya got old in C-Sec.

“I’m not going to force you,” Shepard says, pushing to his feet. “If you don’t want to help, you’re free to get off the ship.”

“And go back to jail?” he asks, shooting the commander a quick look.

“I can talk to Bailey, see about getting you released if you don’t want to come. I’m going to be honest – this is probably a one-way trip. A suicide mission. We are going after the Collectors through the Omega 4 Relay.”

Uncharted territory.

A thrill runs through his spine. He’s always liked a challenge. It speaks to him on a more primitive level. Perhaps it’s his… _handicap_ , but he’s always liked high-risk, adrenaline-fueled situations. This made him good for C-Sec operations.

_No pain, no gain._

No pain, indeed.

“I won’t force you to stay,” Shepard says, dragging him from his thoughts again. “But I could use your help. _Humanity_ could use your help.”

Kiyo shakes his head, closing his eyes. “ _Humanity_ always needs help.”

Humanity has done little for him; why should he do something just because he’s human?

“Like I said,” Shepard says, “if you don’t want to help, you can leave. I won’t force you to join a suicide mission.”

“Let me think about it,” he sighs, though a part of him immediately stops. Why is he even thinking about this? He doesn’t want to be a part of Cerberus, and he certainly doesn’t want to go on a suicide mission, even if it _is_ to destroy the Collectors in a high-risk situation.

Even if C-Sec _is_ kicking him out.

Not being able to feel pain almost makes him feel less human. The adrenaline of high-risk activities and fights always leaves him feeling… _satisfied_. Like he’s human after all.

Not being able to feel pain is a silly thing to complain about. A lot of people would kill for such a disease, but it’s truthfully not all it’s cracked up to be.

“Okay,” Shepard says. “We can’t stay at the Citadel for more than a few hours. If you need more time, you’re free to join us on our next mission and test the waters, I guess.”

“Sounds good,” he says, looking down at the table. “I’ll think about it.”

“I’ll be in engineering if you need me.”

“Okay, thanks.”

 

Kiyo’s tinkering in the shuttle area when Shepard returns from the Citadel a few hours later. It looks as though someone has put weights on the guy’s shoulders; they hang low and his head is bowed, spiky hair all too visible from this angle. Kiyo’s always liked guys with spiky hair, and while those scars are a little off-putting, those eyes make up for it. Being in C-Sec has taught him to appreciate a lot of races and genders; in fact, sometimes it’s required to ‘get’ with someone in order to get the appropriate information. C-Sec likes to say they don’t have strategies like this, but they do. It’s all C-Sec sanctioned.

No job like that here, though. Not right now. Just artist appreciation, mostly.

Shepard stands there as the doors close, closing tired blue eyes as he hangs his head further, chin nearly touching his chest, hands clenching into fists at his sides. After several deep breaths, they unclench before clenching again.

He looks… upset. Angry. Tired. A mixture of a multitude of emotions Kiyo can’t help but watch. Shepard doesn’t know he’s here. This works in his favor; he’s always liked watching. Watching people in their day-to-day lives. Watching them fight. Watching them love and live and fall apart. The different kinds of pain have always intrigued him. It’s been a while since he’s really felt anything.

He thinks there was pain when he was younger. When his mother died, when his father died. But ever since moving to Earth when he was fifteen… he’s felt very little. Perhaps his disease mutated, allowing him to be free of emotional pain too, but that means he can’t feel other emotions either. Just like he can’t feel other sensations across his skin. In some way it’s all pain – it’s just pressure applied differently, but pain is nothing but pressure, too, just to a different degree.

He couldn’t feel his mom’s hugs.

In some way he recognized the attempt, felt heaviness pushing down on his body as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his forehead goodnight, but other than that…

He hasn’t really felt in a long time.

Unlike Shepard, who seems to be feeling too much all at once. Whatever he is going through is a mystery to Kiyo, and he knows he is intruding on a private moment. Quietly, he slips back into his area behind the shuttle, and waits for Shepard’s feet to start moving again.

He doesn’t step away until Shepard’s footsteps have long since left.

 

He finds Vakarian in the main battery on deck three. He honestly stumbles across him by accident, simply exploring every nook and cranny on the ship as they fly through space, their next mission underway. He doesn’t know what this mission is, but he’s used to being on a need-to-know basis at this point.

Vakarian looks up as the doors swish open.

“Montoya,” Vakarian says.

“Kiyo.”

“Then call me Garrus.”

“Alright, point taken. What’s going on here, _Garrus_?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Just saving the galaxy again,” Garrus says, mandibles shifting into what Kiyo thinks is a smile. It’s hard to tell with turians and their face mandibles and everything.

“Uh huh… so you trust Cerberus?”

“No,” Garrus says. “I don’t trust Cerberus, but I trust Shepard. He’s never steered me wrong before, and he’s right. If we don’t do this, no one will.”

“So… Shepard’s on the up-and-up?”

“Yes.”

“…Didn’t I hear about the Normandy crashing?”

“Yes, you did. We were attacked and the ship ultimately crashed on Alchera.”

“So… Shepard’s… himself, right? Working with Cerberus and all,” Kiyo says, because one can never be too careful. He’s trying to get a sense of the situation. It’s hard to imagine the ‘Savior of the Citadel’ working with Cerberus and the Illusive Man.

When a turian glares, it looks odd. Their eyes get half-lidded, if you can call it that, and their mandibles flex a little more. It’s mostly the slight darkening of the eyes that tells you it’s a glare, more than anything else.

“Shepard is Shepard,” Garrus says with absolute certainty. “You’re free to leave whenever you want, if you don’t like it.”

And then he looks back at his little console.

“If you have no further questions, Montoya, I have things to calibrate.”

Kiyo sighs – he didn’t mean to upset the turian. He just wants answers. He turns on his heel and leaves.

As he’s leaving the main battery he nearly collides with Shepard – literally. The commander steps back quickly, blinking at him with shocked blue eyes, before his expression cools.

“Kiyo,” Shepard says.

He sounds like Kiyo’s old CO during his training for deep cover operations. This leaves him scowling. “You don’t have to sound like a tight-ass, you know.” After a pause he adds, “Sir.”

Shepard quirks a thick brow at him. “How should I sound?”

“I dunno,” he says truthfully. “Sorry. Out of line. C-Sec… well, I’m out of practice. Sir. Won’t happen again.”

_He might throw you out the nearest airlock._

Nah, Shepard won’t do anything like that. Still, though, why risk it?

“Stop it with the ‘sir’ nonsense,” Shepard says, eyes narrowing and lips pulling into a scowl. “Unless you want me to call you ‘Montoya’.”

“Nope,” Kiyo says. “Kiyo is perfectly fine.”

“Alright then.” Shepard nods toward the battery door behind Kiyo. “I just need to speak with Garrus. We’re almost at our destination, if you want to join the ground crew.”

“Sounds good, Shepard.”

Shepard rolls his eyes, then. “If we’re going to be on a first name basis, at least call me Malcolm.”

“Malcolm,” Kiyo repeats, and finds that it flows off his tongue quite nicely. “Got it. I’ll wait for you in the shuttle bay.”

“Sounds good, Kiyo,” Shepard echoes.

Kiyo nods and steps around the commander, mindful of those blue eyes watching him.

He’s been given a spot in the crew quarters to stay for the time being. His belongings were brought up while he and Shepard were speaking in the mess. Now he returns to those quarters to get ready for this ground mission, whatever it entails. He has armor, but not much. That’s okay, though; he’s learned to adapt to that. Deep cover operations don’t allow for armor; it’s too conspicuous.

After putting on what little, dark green armor he has, he catches sight of himself in the crew mirror places along the far wall, between two rows of beds. Even in this mirror he looks short, standing at only 5’6”. Most guys these days are 6’. He holds his helmet at his side, looking for the stubble on his jawline. He really needs to shave; being kept in C-Sec for days doesn’t help him keep ‘groomed’. He prefers to be clean-shaven, when the job allows for it. For more rough gigs, the ragged looks are needed.

His eyes have always been dark, but in this lighting, the green of his irises look even darker, almost to the point of having no color. It contrasts with the pallor of his face.

With a sigh he pulls on his helmet, flattening his shaggy, dark blonde hair, and then steps out of the crew quarters to join the ground team in the shuttle bay.

Garrus and Shepard are there, waiting for him when he arrives. They have their combat gear on, Garrus in his light gray/blue armor and Shepard in his dark crimson red armor with the brighter red strip and typical N7 stamp across it. Overall they look tired, Kiyo thinks.

“Where are we going?” he asks as they climb into the shuttle.

“Prison ship called Purgatory,” Shepard says as the shuttle departs from the Normandy.

“Okay…” he says slowly, frowning. “Why are we here, exactly?”

“Picking up a convict named Jack,” Shepard says in that same bland tone. It’s flat and dull but there’s a hidden cadence somewhere in it Kiyo can’t quite decipher. He’s used to watching people, listening to every waver of their voice to get an edge in a conversation, but with Shepard, he finds this increasingly difficult to do.

“Okay,” he says, shrugging.

 

Purgatory is a prison. It’s not the best and it’s not the worst. He sees violence through the halls, guards beating up a helpless prisoner in a cell. Shepard asks what they are doing, and if it’s fair to do that to someone who can’t defend themselves, but in the end steps away and lets the guards keep doing what they are doing. A part of Kiyo wants to argue, but a much larger part agrees with Shepard. This prisoner is not why they are here, and if the ‘activities’ presented at this prison were technically ‘illegal’, certainly the prison would be shut down. To each their own, after all.

So they keep going, and are told to wait while they bring Jack out of cryo stasis. As the seconds turn into minutes and tick by slowly, he can’t help but have a bad feeling about all of this. He’s turning to face Shepard and at least let his bad feeling be known, when a voice comes over the intercom.

“My apologies, Shepard. You’re more valuable as a prisoner than a customer.”

_That’s bullshit._

Kiyo reaches for his gun, looking around for a threat he knows is coming. Shepard, meanwhile, thinks it is a good idea to talk to this crazy warden via the intercom systems.

_So was this just a trap for the commander?_

“Drop your weapons and proceed into this open cell. You will not be harmed,” the warden continues, and Kiyo eyes the cell behind them, Shepard’s back to it as the commander faces the interior of the larger room. Just behind him, closer to the cell, stands Garrus, ready for action at a moment’s notice.

_Well, I’m sure as hell not getting stuck here._

“You talked up your ‘noble intentions’ with this prison,” Shepard says, shaking his head. “But it turns our you’re a criminal like the rest.”

Kiyo silently agrees.

“Activate systems!” the warden demands.

_Yep. Finally, time for some action._

And here he thought this would be a boring trip to pick up someone.

Already he can feel the adrenaline beginning to pump through his system at the thought of a good, real fight.

Guards enter the room, then, firing at them from the only way out of here. Shepard seeks cover behind a desk and Kiyo does the same next to him, while Garrus moves forward a little like the tough bastard he is, and takes cover behind a different desk.

Shepard summons a combat drone, directing it briefly with his omni-tool. Kiyo almost forgot he was an engineer, and one of the best from what he’s heard, though he’s personally never seen the guy in action. Now, the way he easily guides the drone across the battlefield with air of ease circling about him, a half-smirk toying on his lips, he can see why people look up to this man, as either an idol or an enemy.

“Shepard is loose!” the warden says as they finish off the guys in the room and head through the now unguarded doorway. Varren enter the area, then, leaving Kiyo staring because why the hell would a prison have varren? It makes no sense, but he’s too busy shooting them to ask about it rightnow.

They move out of the room and down a small hallway.

“We need to get Jack out of cryo,” Garrus says.

“Obviously,” Kiyo mutters under his breath. Not out of disrespect, because he knows Garrus is a good guy and a tough SOB, but because he’s too caught up in the fight to think his words through at the moment.

Shepard tosses him a quick smirk, one of the first real expressions he’s seen on the man, before he continues moving down the hallway, and they follow after him.

He moves with ease and a careful speed, obviously aware of his own limitations. That’s what a lot of commanders and captains forget – they have limitations just like everyone else, but when you get high up on the chain of command, you sometimes forget this. He’s seen a lot of people who thought themselves ‘superior’ go down in a true firefight, or even a fistfight. Shepard, though, clearly has a bit of muscle to his physique and with the way he holds his gun deftly in the palm of his right hand, it’s easy to see he knows exactly what kind of kickback his assault rifle has, and exactly how to compensate for it.

A second later he’s ducked through a doorway and is taking cover, dragging Kiyo back to the present. A smile spreads across his face as he, too, takes cover and begins firing at the enemy.

“If we hack that control,” Garrus says after they are finished killing their opponents and step toward a console in the center of a room, “every door in the cellblock opens.”

“Don’t really have a choice,” Kiyo says.

“Agreed,” Shepard says.

“It’s the only way to get Jack out of cryo,” Garrus sighs in resignation. “Do it, Shepard.”

Shepard nods, though Kiyo knows he most likely wasn’t waiting for Garrus’ permission, and then waves his hand over the console, hacking the controls.

They watch from up top, through a window, as a cryo pod is raised, a woman inside, trapped by metal bands.

“That’s Jack?” Garrus asks.

‘Jack’ wakes, then, easily snapping her metal bonds and jumping out of the pod. Mechs approach her but she doesn’t seem concerned, easily charging at them, biotics flaring to life around her. A small rumbling alerts them to the way she’s charged through a wall.

“We have to get down there,” Shepard all but curses as he turns and hurries through a side door.

They quickly maneuver out of the room and down to the main floor, slipping through the hole Jack made.

“Lethal force authorized,” the warden says over the systems, “but leave Jack alive! Lockdown, lockdown!”

“We’re killing this guy, right?” Kiyo can’t help but ask, his irritation at the guy growing with every word he says.

Shepard snorts, this half-shocked, half-amused sound. “I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah, well, think faster.”

They press on.

“All prisoners return to your cells _immediately_ or I’ll open every airlock on this ship!” the warden snarls.

“Killing him, right?”

“Guy’s an asshole,” Shepard agrees, “but again, I’ll think about it.”

Kiyo sighs, nodding as they again press on, killing guards and mechs, anything that gets in their way.

He’ll say one thing about the man – Shepard sure is _focused_. When he’s working on something, he’s _working on it_. His eyes are narrowed at the task at hand, his hands don’t shake in the slightest even when his barriers are nearly gone from taking heavy fire from a mech, and he barely utilizes cover when calling out his combat drone.

He’s focused.

Kiyo certainly hopes to never get on his bad side. The man’s like a freight train, all full speed ahead and no brakes.

They continue moving through the dying facility. They moved through here recently and everything was fine; now it is in chaos, fires everywhere, the floor lined with dead mechs and dead bodies. They are the reason for this, he knows. They caused this because they wouldn’t get in the cell provided for them, but he can’t fault their decision to fight back instead. He’s certainly not getting put in a cell again.

He backs Shepard’s choice to instead fight this warden and hunt for Jack.

They press on.

“You’re valuable, Shepard. I could have sold you and lived like a king,” the warden says as they finally make it to him, through all the mechs and all the chaos. They find him when he’s murdering prisoners with a rifle. Kiyo glares at the turian warden. “But you’re too much trouble! At least I can recapture Jack.”

A shot nearly takes off Shepard’s head, but the commander easily ducks back into cover. “Not happening,” Shepard says firmly. “You’re a two-bit slave trader and I don’t have time for it!”

Kiyo agrees. “Kill him now?”

Shepard settles his eyes on him. There’s something dark in them. “Yes.”

His voice is cold, calculating.

Kiyo smiles.

The fight begins.

 

Jack is… odd. She’s pretty violent and has quite a temper to match her mouth. He’s not sure he’s seen someone curse so much.

He leaves them in the shuttle bay, heading back to the crew quarters. Once there he takes off his armor, tossing it aside on his designated bunk. It’s been a long day, and sleeps sounds great, but somehow he knows he won’t be able to sleep yet.

His suspicions are confirmed when, ten minutes later, the doors to the crew quarters opens and Shepard steps through, gaze seeking him out. Kiyo is currently sitting on his bed and looks up as the commander approaches him.

“You did well out there today,” Shepard says.

“Ah, I bet you say that to all the newbies,” Kiyo says, smirking. It’s been a while since he really felt like joking around like this. That he is doing so now is confusing to him, but not unwanted. Definitely not unwanted.

“Only the good ones,” Shepard says, smirking back.

It looks good on him.

“Have you thought about staying or leaving?” Shepard asks, leaning against the wall next to Kiyo’s bed, arms folding over his chest as he does so.

“Not really,” he admits. There’s been little time to really do so today. “I’ll stay a little longer,” he says, shrugging. “One more mission. Then I’ll… decide.”

Shepard shrugs, dropping his arms back to his sides. “Let me know what you decide, Kiyo.”

Kiyo smiles at the use of his name. While he tells people to call him that, a lot of people ignore his request and instead still call him Montoya. He doesn’t want to just be a last name. “I’ll let you know, Malcolm.”

Shepard _smiles_. It’s this open, true smile, and it’s contagious as hell.

Kiyo smiles back.

_One more mission…_


	3. A Doubtful Horizon [Shepard's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard notices everyone's doubts of him, and visits Horizon... and sees Kaidan for the first time in 2 weeks... or, rather, 2 years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this... these chapters are long xD Also - since I didn't put it up before...
> 
> Kiyo's abilities:  
> 1\. Interface - his suit has an ability to read his injuries and give him information on how hurt he is since he can't feel it. This also can allow him to scan enemies for potential weak spots if he has his eyepiece equipped.
> 
> 2\. Barrage - his shotgun can shoot these little homing missile things that explode above a target like fireworks and rain down on the enemy with fire and acid. This works well against armor and can only be used with shotguns.
> 
> 3\. Deep Cover Operative - (AKA his health one) Gains increased survivability by being able to raise his barriers a little more and give him increased health as well as weapon damage, particularly with shotguns.
> 
> 4\. Fortification - Same as in the game.
> 
> Hope that clears up confusion :)

Chapter 3 – A Doubtful Horizon [Shepard’s POV]

 

“Hey, Commander, got a minute?”

Shepard looks up from the desk in the CIC, where he’s been going over various documents on potential candidates for his new crew. He’s thinking about going back to Omega for Zaeed Massani, a rogue mercenary. Once upon a time he would have been wary about working with such a wild card, but he’s grown used to the idea. First, though, they are heading to Pragia, a small planet, to help Jack overcome her childhood. She seems to think destroying the prison there, mainly her cell in the middle of it, will help her move past everything.

Shepard’s not so sure about this.

“Shepard?”

Shepard blinks a few times. He’s exhausted; slipping into his thoughts is getting too easy. No matter how many times he blinks, he can’t quite seem to clear the fuzz out of his mind. It’s this thick cotton blanket over his thoughts as he settles his gaze on Kiyo Montoya.

“Sorry,” he says, scrubbing a hand over his gritty eyes. “Did you need something?”

“It can wait,” Kiyo says, frowning at him. “Are you okay, sir? I mean… no offense, but you look like shit. Sir.”

Shepard breathes out a quick laugh. He’s too tired to hold it in and be ‘professional’ at the moment. He’s been so tired since he woke up with Cerberus. He wonders if it’s a side-effect of these cybernetics and dying, or if it’s just because of all that’s happening around him. A little over a week ago, he woke up to an attack at a Cerberus base – now he’s gathering a crew to launch a suicide mission, and it seems like no one really trusts him.

Even Garrus… The turian is hiding something, fighting something, and Shepard knows most of Garrus’ anger is leveled at the other turian, Sidonis, for betraying him and ultimately getting the rest of his squad killed. And yet, despite the fact Garrus said he trusted Shepard… for some reason, Shepard can’t help but wonder if that’s a lie.

_No one trusts me._

“Shepard? Malcolm?”

It’s the sound of his name – his _first_ name – that snaps him out of his thoughts once again. Yes, he decides, it is definitely time to sleep. He puts the data pad down and looks at Kiyo again, aware of those green eyes watching his every move.

“Sorry, Kiyo,” he says. “I guess I’m more tired than I thought. What can I do for you?”

“It’s nothing major,” Kiyo says, shaking his head, his dark blonde bangs dipping over his hairline, toward his eyes. It’s been a while since Shepard’s seen guys without a buzz cut or similarly short hairstyle. It’s what’s required of the military, hence why it’s called a ‘military’ haircut. Kiyo’s not with the Alliance, though. No, he’s ex C-Sec.

_I must be tired if I’m noticing haircuts._

“I was just going to ask who you’ve selected to go on the ground mission with you.”

“Ground mission…” Shepard echoes, mind momentarily blank.

“We’re due to arrive at Omega in five hours,” Kiyo says, lips pulling downward into a faint frown. “Joker told you we were almost there, right?”

Shepard sighs heavily. Truthfully, he didn’t even know they were already on their way to Omega. He must have given the order at some point through the day, but all these past few days have rolled into one and he honestly can’t remember the last time he slept. Really slept, and not just caught a few winks here and there.

“Okay,” he says. “Thanks for telling me. Is that all?”

“Have you eaten?”

Shepard blinks. “Excuse me?”

“Food, sir, you’ve heard of it, right?” Kiyo says, quirking a brow at him. “I don’t think I’ve seen you eat the whole time I’ve been here, and I’ve been here for days. Do you have a private stash of food in your room or something?”

“Or something,” Shepard mutters, rubbing at his tired eyes. Belatedly he realizes he still has his combat gloves on despite the fact he took off his armor hours ago. No wonder the data pad didn’t want to respond to his fingers like usual.

“How about sleep?” Kiyo asks. “Does the great Commander Shepard sleep?”

“I sleep,” Shepard says somewhat defensively, tossing Kiyo a quick glare. It’s not that he’s angry with the ex-operative, but he’s not going to defend his actions to him either. He sleeps.

“Whoa, hey,” Kiyo says, holding his hands out harmlessly, “I didn’t mean anything by it. Just a question.”

“I’m fine.”

“Of course you are.”

“If that’s all, Montoya, don’t you have other duties?”

Kiyo watches him for a long moment, eyes narrowing into thin green slits, before he nods and turns toward the doorway. “You’re right. Sorry for bothering you, Commander.”

Shepard watches as he leaves, and then sighs heavily, craning his neck this way and that, attempting to work out knots too deep to ever be fixed. They’re always there, under his skin, deep in his muscles, this deep ache he can never explain nor get rid of.

He leaves the CIC to return to deck one, his new captain’s cabin.

He hopes a hot shower will help, but somehow he doubts it.

 

Getting Zaeed Massani is easier than they thought it would be, and after telling Zaeed to return to the Normandy, Shepard continues through Omega toward Afterlife with Garrus and Kiyo at his side. He and Kiyo haven’t spoken since five hours ago, and he’s not sure if their silence toward each other is because they have nothing to say or because there’s a touch of anger in the air, but he’s not about to apologize for brushing Kiyo off earlier.

He’s the commander, after all – he doesn’t have to explain himself.

It takes a little walking but he finally manages to find the T6 Couplings his small team of engineers has asked for, and while on the way out he’s pulled aside by one of Aria’s bodyguards and is asked to keep the Patriarch, a krogan companion of Aria’s, safe since there’s been a threat on his life.

“Why are we helping these guys?” Kiyo mutters as they descend into the lower levels, searching for Patriarch.

Shepard shoots him a quick glance. “Because we’re being paid,” he says simply.

“Oh, is that all,” Kiyo says, rolling his eyes.

“Do you really want to let a murder happen if you can stop it?” Garrus asks.

“Fine, fine,” Kiyo says, shaking his head. “Whatever you say, boss-man.”

Shepard rolls his eyes as they keep moving.

The music is upbeat and lively through here. Shepard’s never hated clubs, of course, but he’s never been too fond of them either. He’s been to too many of them on shore leave, only to wake in a strange room with a strange body next to him, or just an overall strange taste in his mouth. He eventually learned not go to clubs – they just don’t agree with him.

Afterlife is no different. Something about this place speaks to him on a lower level. It’s easy to forget he _died_ and came back to life, a zombie if there ever was one, and this is something he wishes he could forget. He wishes he didn’t know what it felt like to die, how it felt to come back being thrown in the middle of everything yet again.

He wants to lose himself in the rhythms of the club. He wants to forget the past week and a half. He wants to open his eyes and find himself aboard the Normandy SR-1, with his friends around him and Kaidan at his side. Back when things were normal and easy.

Now…

“Shepard?”

Kiyo’s voice is tentative. It’s a tone he hasn’t heard from the guy yet, so it easily catches his attention, leaving him glancing over at his companion. “Yes?”

“I think we’re here.”

Shepard realizes they’ve stopped outside of an automatic door. One more step forward and the doors will slide open. Garrus is tossing him odd looks now. Shepard scowls, hunches his shoulders, and steps forward into the room beyond the door.

Patriarch is, at first, unhappy to see them. He’s apparently some kind of prize or trophy for Aria, but Shepard doesn’t ask many questions. It’s been a long week and he only got an hour of sleep earlier. His head is throbbing, this deep ache he knows will only be cured with a decent amount of sleep, and he wants to just get back to the Normandy. He’s not even sure what possessed him to come here in the first place.

_T6 couplings. Right._

Why get those, though? Even Donnelly and Daniels said it was only a maintenance issue. It just took them longer to do their job; nothing was really out of place.

He was already in the area, though, he told himself at the time. Might as well get it.

He tells Patriarch he will take care of the assassins for him. Garrus laughs like it’s old times, and for a moment, Shepard forgets it’s two years in the future. He forgets he’s part of a life he’s not sure he wants. He forgets he’s at some club on Omega.

But it returns when he looks at Kiyo, who is smirking.

Kiyo is new. Not from the SR-1. The sight of him instantly reminds Shepard he _is_ two years in the future. He _is_ part of a life he’s not sure he wants. He _is_ at some club on Omega. This is his life now, and he needs to getused to it.

The headache grows.

They leave that room and wander through the dancers toward another side door. It’s easy to get lost in Omega, but Garrus seems to know his way around. He nods in the direction they should go, Shepard steps through the doorway, and right into three armed assassins.

Shepard’s not very familiar with assassins as a whole, really. He’s killed some before, but he’s never tried to talking to any of them. So he tries it now, but it doesn’t work out.

A flamethrower ignites near his face. He ducks under the heat, kicking the guy in the chest, knocking him back. A second later two gunshots go off, and the other two assassins fall to the ground, dead. He glances over his shoulder at Kiyo and Garrus, who are lowering their heavy pistols.

They’re in the middle of a seedy club in Omega, standing over the bodies of dead assassins, but something bubbles up in Shepard’s chest and the next second he’s laughing. Laughing over those dead bodies, laughing as Garrus and Kiyo share looks and then settle their gazes back on Shepard. Garrus does the turian version of a smile but there’s something in his eyes, something uneasy, and it leaves the laughter dying in Shepard’s throat. Kiyo, on the other hand, smiles at him, and there’s nothing uneasy in his eyes.

Shepard looks into the green orbs for a moment. Just remembering how it used to be, when no one looked at him with doubt. Even Garrus, his best friend, is doubtful, no matter how much the turian argues and says he trusts Shepard and is working for him instead of the Illusive Man and Cerberus.

In Garrus’ gray-blue eyes he sees a flicker of doubt. Not full-blown doubt, but a flicker. A spark. It’s enough to make him feel queasy when he looks at the turian. Kiyo is different, though. There’s no spark of doubt in his gaze, just a touch of humor as he shrinks his pistol and puts it back on his side.

Shepard watches him for a moment, and breathes.

Then he’s spinning on his heel and leading the way out of that particular room, and heading back toward Aria to tell her the good news.

 

Zaeed is a little odd, if Shepard is being honest. The guy is bitter as hell, but he has a right to be. His face is scarred, one eye glassy and clear, the other normal, and his jaw is disfigured and offset. Those wounds, healed they may be now, tell of a story the man isn’t willing to share just yet, but that’s okay. Shepard has things he doesn’t want to say either.

It’s strange, but he finds a small amount of comfort talking to Zaeed. The man has no expectations of him. Barely even knows about him. There’s doubt in his eyes, but not about _him_. Not about Shepard. He’s doubtful because he wants Shepard to do something for him, and he’s not sure if Shepard will do it. It’s at least a different kind of doubt than Garrus has for him, and Tali.

It’s hard to tell with quarians, of course, but he’s sure there was doubt in her eyes, if he’d been able to see them properly. She was doubtful of him, wary about his new ties with Cerberus. Whether she believed him or not when he said he was just looking into the disappearances of the colonists and hadn’t even woken up until then, he’s not sure, but she’s not here so he guesses it doesn’t matter.

He leaves Zaeed down on deck four and stops at desk three. Dr. Chakwas sent him a message regarding his facial scars, so he’s going to at least talk to her about it before he goes up to his cabin for some sleep. Everything else can wait until later.

As he’s stepping out of the elevator, though, he nearly collides with Kiyo who is walking by. Kiyo smiles.

“We need to stop meeting like this,” he says.

“Agreed,” Shepard says with a nod.

Green eyes scan him over. “You still look like hell, you know. Sir.”

“Stop calling me ‘sir’,” Shepard mutters, scrubbing a hand over his face as he walks toward Dr. Chakwas’ office in the med bay.

“Sorry, _Malcolm_ ,” Kiyo says before Shepard disappears into the room, leaving a small smirk pulling at Shepard’s lips as he looks at Chakwas.

 

He’s surprised to find Kiyo waiting for him when he steps out of the med bay. Kiyo’s leaning against the wall, wearing his standard Cerberus uniform – Shepard misses his old uniform, these ones are stiff and a little uncomfortable… but maybe that’s because he knows it’s Cerberus – and in his hands he has a sandwich.

“What’s that?” Shepard asks.

Kiyo chuckles. “A sandwich. Surely you remember what food is, right?”

Shepard smirks and shakes his head, accepting the offered food. “Thanks.”

“I tried to give it to Garrus,” Kiyo says. “But he turned into a snob on me.”

“Snob?” Shepard asks while he chews.

“Uh, I mean… You know, turned his nose up and away from it.”

“Oh, Garrus can only eat certain things.” Turians and humans eat different things, after all. But surely Kiyo knows this.

“I know,” Kiyo says, smirking. “But it was still rude. At least I offered.”

Shepard laughs, nearly choking on his food before he manages to compose himself.

“You should laugh more.”

Shepard nearly chokes again, but for an entirely different reason, shocked at the words. Kiyo shrugs and pushes away from the wall.

“Just saying. I mean, a little laughter never hurt anyone. And if everyone’s tense, it’s not good for anyone.”

He has a point.

Shepard nods. “Thanks for the food,” he says, nodding toward the elevator.

Kiyo nods. “Don’t let me stop you, Malcolm.”

It shouldn’t make him want to smile when his name is used, but it is so seldom used he can’t help the gut reaction. Even Kaidan rarely called him by his name. It was always ‘Commander’ or ‘Shepard’. Never ‘Malcolm’, except for twice.

He remembers because it rarely happened.

He walks away from Kiyo, finishing the last of his sandwich, before he steps into the elevator and heads up to deck one.

 

 _Horizon_.

Shepard’s never been here before, but he feels a thrill inch up his spine nevertheless. Kaidan’s here, and this colony is under attack by the Collectors. The Collectors take every human – man, woman and child – and disappear like nothing happened, and he doesn’t intend to let that happen to Kaidan.

He brings Kiyo and Garrus with him. He doesn’t really trust Miranda and Jacob yet, and Mordin’s time is best spent looking for more remedies against the seeker swarms. What they currently have with them should allow them to be unseen by the swarms, apparently. Make the swarms ignore them in some way. It seems to be working so far, as they step on solid ground.

Horizon is too quiet.

Colonies shouldn’t be this quiet. It reminds him of Eden Prime, and Freedom’s Progress. The silence also reminds him of space, and being spaced. Losing his air, falling, floating… it’s all the same, and it’s all surrounded by this silence which is more loud than anything else. Louder than the beats of his heart as his pulse raises.

But he’s not in space. He’s on a colony which shouldn’t be this quiet.

They move forward slowly. Collectors – or, at least, what he assumes to be Collectors since he’s never seen one in person before – attack them, as do husks.

“This is creepy,” Kiyo mutters from his side, holding his assault rifle at the ready. At his side his thumb presses against a small button connected to his armor, hanging from a little chain.

Shepard’s never asked what Kiyo’s abilities are. He’s read about them in his file, of course, but reading and seeing are two very different things. When they freed Jack from Purgatory, he was too busy to notice much of anything, and he doesn’t think Kiyo did anything other than shoot there.

 _Oh_ , he realizes a few minutes later, watching Kiyo when they’re in a battle.

Kiyo’s thumb presses over the button after each fight. His earpiece sparks, then, glowing red for a moment as information is relayed to Kiyo.

Kiyo can’t feel pain due to his… disease? It doesn’t really seem like a disease. Anyway, he doesn’t feel pain so it is hard for him to know if he’s hurt, and if it’s something that could be life threatening. From what Shepard read, there’s a medical interface woven into his armor, and when he presses that button the earpiece relays to him the damage done to his body and tells him what is serious and what is minor.

It’s vital for him to be in combat, otherwise he could easily bleed out without knowing what is even happening because of his deadened pain receptors.

Kiyo is also a soldier through and through, adept at any weapon tossed at him. Shepard’s sat in on a few simulations and combat sessions with Kiyo and Garrus. Kiyo isn’t the best with a sniper, but he’s not an amateur either. He seems to be best with a pistol and shotgun. Or, rather, everyone’s good with a pistol and Kiyo seems to like being up close and personal when he pulls the trigger, so a shotgun is good for him.

“See somethin’ you like, sir?” Kiyo asks, grinning at him, and Shepard realizes he’s been looking at him for a little too long.

Shepard shrugs and focuses on reloading all of his weapons for when he needs them. “I’ll let you know,” he says with a wink, even though he’s not sure why he does it. Maybe it’s because he misses that teasing tone. No one really jokes with him anymore, too nervous around him. Even Garrus barely talks to him, keeps saying he needs to get back to ‘calibrating’ the main guns in the battery. So, yes, he misses the interaction.

Kiyo barks out a quick laugh and shakes his head. “Yeah, get back to me on that.”

“If you two are done flirting,” Garrus says, doing the turian equivalent of rolling his eyes, “we’ve got enemies incoming.”

More collectors come, as well as husks. Shepard’s always hated husks. They’re basically the geth equivalent of zombies, in his eyes. They impale people and turn them into these things after they are dead. A part of Shepard, in the back of his mind, wonders if this is what he now is. A husk of his former self. A zombie. A _husk_.

 _No_.

_No, I’m not a husk._

He’s not a zombie, or a robot, or a husk. He’s Shepard.

_I’m me._

“Dammit,” Kiyo curses suddenly, causing Shepard to glance over at him. Kiyo’s looking down at a new hole in his armor, caused by some sort of particle beam. There’s blood everywhere.

Immediately Shepard’s next to him, running his omni-tool over the wounded area.

“Didn’t even feel it,” Kiyo sighs, shaking his head, panting. “Stupid. Fried my system.”

“Fried it?” Shepard asks, quickly administering medi-gel. “Take it easy for a minute. Garrus! How are we?”

“Holding them off for now,” the turian replies, shooting over their cover toward the enemy. “How is he?”

“He’ll live,” Shepard says, looking back down at Kiyo. “What do you mean, fried your systems?”

“I don’t know. That beam or whatever… fucked it up. It didn’t tell me I was getting hurt. Only noticed because I happened to look down,” Kiyo says, leaning heavily against edge of a stairway leading into one of the small buildings full of homes.

“Could use a little help,” Garrus says.

Shepard takes in a breath and pats Kiyo on the shoulder. “Stay here, rest for a minute.”

“Aye, aye, sir,” Kiyo says with a smirk and a quick salute, leaving Shepard shaking his head as he pulls away and begins firing over their cover with Garrus.

“ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL,” a deep voice says. Shepard stiffens and looks over to see a collector rising from behind its cover, an odd light surrounding it. A moment later it drops back to the ground, now equipped with a strong barrier as well as armor.

Shepard mentally curses and starts firing at it.

“IF I’M FORCED TO KILL YOU, SHEPARD, I WILL.”

“Did it just…?” Kiyo asks, pushing himself up enough to crane his neck and see over the edge of their cover. Bullets whizz past his head as Shepard shoves him back down, but he’s wondering the same thing.

_Did it just say Shepard?_

“I KNOW YOU FEEL THIS, SHEPARD.”

“Fuck,” Shepard sighs, shaking his head. “It knows me. Great.” He looks at Garrus. “Did I piss off any Collectors lately?”

“None that I know of,” Garrus says, shrugging in that turian way of his. “But you do piss a lot of things off on a daily basis so I might have missed something.”

Shepard rolls his eyes.

“You’re surprisingly good at that, you know,” Kiyo says, smirk evident in his voice as Shepard glances at him. “Pissing people off, I mean. Is it a hobby or a gift?”

“Oh, shut up,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m the victim, here.”

“WE ARE HARBINGER,” the glowing collector says.

_Harbinger…_

It’s a Reaper.

Right?

He’s not sure how he knows that, but he does. Harbinger. Sovereign. Same thing, really. Harbinger is a Reaper, and it’s the Reaper controlling the Collectors. And it’s come out of hiding, in a way, to take control of a random collector in order to… what? Personally kill Shepard?

_Except it said if it was forced to kill me… it would._

Does that mean it doesn’t want to kill him?

Then what does it want from him?

Why _him_ , specifically?

“RELEASING CONTROL OF THIS VESSEL.”

They’ve managed to finally kill the ‘vessel’, and the glowing aura disperses as the collector doesn’t just die, but instead disintegrates into nothing and vanishes in the faint breeze. Shepard releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL OF THIS VESSEL.”

Another collector lifts off the ground and is enveloped in that odd glow.

 _Fuck_.

“This guy… just doesn’t take no for an answer, does he?” Kiyo asks, popping up from behind the cover long enough to fire at the new ‘vessel’. The new vessel of Harbinger.

“Nope,” Shepard agrees, shaking his head.

“Talk about pushy.”

He laughs, all teeth and no grin. “Let’s push back.”

Garrus uses concussive shot, Shepard calls out his combat drone, and Kiyo sends out a barrage of tiny missiles from his shotgun which shoot up into the air, explode like fireworks, and rain down on the enemies below the blast, causing a decent amount of damage against armor, leaving trails of fire in their wake.

“RELEASING CONTROL OF THIS VESSEL.”

Finally there are no more collectors shooting back at them. Shepard wipes a gloved hand across his brow, releasing a heavy breath. It’s hot, being in a gunfight in full armor, under the hot sun. Sweat dampens his hair and stings his eyes.

“How are you, Kiyo?” he asks, looking at said companion.

Kiyo shrugs. “Don’t feel a thing.”

“Great. You, Garrus?”

“I’m good, Shepard,” Garrus says.

“Excellent. Keep moving.”

They move away from their cover and pick up thermal clips, reloading their weapons. As they continue forward, they encounter more resistance, along with a nasty thing called a scion. It does its own version of a shockwave, but with what appears to be ice instead of pure biotic power. It’s painful when it freezes him, and leaves him feeling cold longer after its effects have worn off.

They battle through the scions, and more ‘Harbinger’s. And husks, and collectors.

It seems like it never ends.

They come across people.

For a second Shepard stares at the people, in this frozen state with this reddish glow lightly surrounding them. He approaches them, wanting to help, but they don’t seem to even know he’s there. The stasis they are in doesn’t seem to be hurting them, but he doesn’t know how to break it. He doesn’t know how to free them of this stasis.

It was horrible for these people, he thinks. So terrible for them because they were frozen and were then unable to protect themselves in any way as the Collectors collected them, shoving them in their odd pods to take back to their ship. Already half of the colony had been cleared out, Shepard thinks. They’ve interrupted them for now, but for how long? Does this stasis wear off, or will they be trapped like this?

His thoughts flicker toward Kaidan. He’s here somewhere. Is he in stasis like this, somewhere, or is he already on the Collector ship?

Either way, he finds he doesn’t like the thought, but can’t dwell on it right now.

They push forward and fight some more.

Eventually he uses his omni-tool to bypass yet another door and they enter this area with a lot of boxes. It seems to be some kind of storage area, where things were being moved in and out of all the time. People abandoned it quickly in their haste to escape, he knows.

EDI contacts them then, and says she can help with the guns the Alliance tried to install on this colony to keep it safe, which was why Kaidan was here in the first place, but it will take time. They will need to defend themselves because while she attempts to interface with the systems and get everything running correctly, it is going to lead the Collectors here, to their location. They will need to fight a lot of enemies in the next few minutes.

He glances at Garrus, sees the determination in the turian’s eyes, and looks at Kiyo. Kiyo smiles and nods at him, hefting his assault rifle up a little, clearly ready for a battle.

Shepard takes a breath and orders them on opposite sides of him in different areas of cover. It won’t do them any good to all be in the same spot, especially if more of those scions show up.

The husks come first. His shotgun makes quick work of the ones coming after him and he glances around to see that the others are doing fine, so there’s no need to activate his combat drone just yet. After the husks comes the collectors.

The particle beam tears through the air and Shepard growls under his breath as he ducks back behind his cover, the beam tearing through where he previously stood. Kiyo is being more careful this time around, he notices, keeping an eye out for that particle beam so he isn’t hit again. Garrus, as always, is vigilant.

The rhythmic thuds and small explosions are what give the scions away. As soon as he hears them, he scowls and ducks into cover once more, peeking over the edge of it to locate their position. He finds them, two scions, on the far end of the battlefield, moving slowly. They aren’t focused on him, though. A shockwave of that ice hits Garrus, leaving him momentarily frozen, slowly slipping back behind cover.

Kiyo is busy dealing with husks, Shepard sees when he looks over at him. A second later there’s a sound from behind him, a sound he’s entirely too familiar with after hunting down Saren and Sovereign, and he spins, shoving the grasping husk away and blasting it in the face with his shotgun. Momentarily distracted, he doesn’t see the blast from the scion but he feels it nevertheless. Feels it collide with his skin, freezing him. The chill is sudden and leaves him breathless even as he moves back toward cover, shaking his head as though to shake off the chill of the blast.

His lips fight the urge to quiver with the cold as he pops up and fires at the nearest scion with his pistol. Kiyo fires at it as well, while Garrus tries to keep everything else off of them while they focus on taking out the scions.

“Watch your six, Kiyo!” Garrus snaps.

Shepard looks over in time to see that a husk has managed to sneak up on Kiyo and has grabbed him from behind. Kiyo growls and shoves at the husk as Shepard summons his combat drone. The husk is pushed away from Kiyo by the time the drone comes up behind it and kills it with a quick shot to the spine, before it hovers off toward their nearest attackers, which are several collectors. Meanwhile the scions are still attacking them.

One scion finally drops, leaving Shepard smirking to himself.

“Hey, Mal!”

The name doesn’t register for half a second, but he looks over quickly nevertheless, just in time to see a gun flying at him. He catches it with ease, nodding at Kiyo in thanks, before he looks down at the weapon he now holds. It is a particle beam, he notices with a smile.

He raises from his cover, shooting at the second scion with his new particle beam. The scion dies surprisingly quickly.

_New favorite weapon right here._

Finally, after what seems like forever, everyone is dead and Shepard takes a deep breath, leaning his forehead against his cover, sweat slick on his skin. A hand pats his shoulder and he looks up to see Kiyo standing next to him, holding out a hand to him. Shepard accepts it and allows himself to be pulled to his feet.

“Status report, EDI,” Shepard says, touching his index finger to his earpiece.

“Defenses are nearly online, Shepard,” comes EDI’s cool, mechanical voice. “However, more Collectors are on their way.”

“Alright,” he mutters, scrubbing a gloved hand over his face. “Thanks, EDI.” He looks at his team. “You heard her. Find any ammo you can.”

They scrounge around the battlefield and manage to get thermal clips just in time for something large to land in front of them. It’s this giant mechanical machine, larger than a geth armature which he always hated facing. It’s equipped with armor and a fancy barrier.

Its laser nearly burns through Shepard’s own barrier with one quick hit and he ducks behind cover, feeling heat inch over his skin from the laser. Kiyo joins him a few paces away, with Garrus trapped on the other side of the battlefield, alone.

Shepard looks at Kiyo. “I’m going for Garrus. You good here?”

“I’m fine, go get our favorite sniper.”

Shepard nods and leaves Kiyo there, utilizing the cargo boxes as cover as he manages to make his way across the battlefield. He’s left Kiyo in what he assumes is the safest part of the battlefield since it’s on a platform with no vantage point behind him, so he only has to worry about the front. Shepard slides into cover next to Garrus.

The laser burns at their cover but thankfully the boxes hold.

“Any bright ideas on how to take that thing down?” Garrus asks.

“Blow it up?” Kiyo suggests via their comm link.

Shepard shakes his head. “First thing’s first – take care of that barrier.”

“Aye, aye, cap-i-tan,” Kiyo says.

Shepard rolls his eyes as he pops up from his cover and fires at the robotic enemy with the particle beam. He manages to eat through the barrier but then the thing smashes down on the ground, a tiny force field around it preventing it from taking further damage, and when it comes back up, its barrier is back.

“Fuck,” Shepard mutters. “Just great.”

“Gotta give them their ingenuity, though,” Kiyo quips from across the battlefield.

“Don’t side with them, please,” Garrus says.

“I’m just saying.”

“You can tell them how great they are later,” Shepard says. “Right now – whittle that thing down bit by bit. And be careful.”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Kiyo says.

They all three pop up to take that thing’s barrier down. This time they manage to get a portion of the armor down too, before it crashes into the ground again, the force field returns, and it gets up with its barriers back yet again.

They continue this for a while. The thing dances around the battlefield, but since they are on opposite ends, and shooting at different times, it doesn’t seem like it knows which way to go. When it heads toward Kiyo and shoots over there with its large laser, Shepard and Garrus pop up and shoot at it. When it then comes for them, Kiyo does the same across the field.

The Collectors have ingenuity, but the machine is still just a machine.

“Commander,” Kiyo says quietly, later when the thing is almost dead but its barriers are back up.

“What is it?” Shepard asks, firing at the thing to draw its attention back toward them.

“Two problems.”

“Say it.”

“I’m out of ammo.”

“Fuck. What’s the second?” Shepard asks, sighing as he ducks back behind cover. The thing is on its way over here and now Kiyo can’t lure it back to the other side. This changes their game plan.

“Husks are climbing up the wall. I’ve killed a few, but there’s a lot more coming and I don’t have ammo.” A sigh over the link. “Just letting you know, sir.”

“Garrus, get to Kiyo,” Shepard demands.

“I can’t until that thing moves away or it will take me out before I even step a foot out of cover,” Garrus says.

_He’s right._

“Don’t worry about me, Commander, I’ll be fine,” Kiyo says. “I’ll think of something. Punching them could be therapeutic.”

Now isn’t the time for jokes, but this is part of why Shepard has always been fond of Joker. The guy jokes to ease tension. Kiyo does the same, it seems. That doesn’t change the fact things are getting rather dire. He only has a little particle beam ammo left, so he’s been saving it and using his pistol instead, but now he pulls it out.

“We’ll have to take it out fast, then. We only get one shot at this, Garrus,” he tells the turian.

“Agreed, Shepard. On your move.”

“Guys, really,” Kiyo says. “I – ack!”

“Status report,” Shepard says.

“Damp thing bit me,” Kiyo complains. “Fucking _bit me_.”

“You don’t feel pain,” Garrus says.

“It was still uncalled for!”

Meanwhile, the thing was getting closer. Soon their cover wouldn’t be enough to keep them safe as it would be right on top of them, floating a little above the ground.

“You go that way,” Shepard says to Garrus, nodding to the left. “I’ll go right. Shoot like hell when you get out of cover.”

Garrus nods and gets his weapon at the ready.

“Go,” Shepard says.

They both roll out of cover in opposite directions. The thing turns toward Garrus, firing with its laser. Garrus’ barrier manages to take the brunt of it but a second later he’s loosing a string of turian curses Shepard’s translator can’t make out, so he’s at least okay, but hurt. Shepard fires the particle beam and the thing rounds on him as he’s firing, but at least it’s away from Garrus.

As the last of the particle beam’s ammo manages to _finally_ kill the damn thing, its last shot with the laser has managed to destroy Shepard’s barriers and leave him with a burning, red-laced arm. The pain is hot and burns like hell. He’s never liked lasers. He clamps a gloved hand down on it firmly before shooting a quick glance across the battlefield.

“Montoya?”

There is no response so Shepard quickly darts in that direction while Garrus does the same. By the time they get there they see Kiyo sitting on the ground near the wall the husks apparently climbed up. He’s panting as he looks at them.

“They tore my earpiece off,” he says incredulously. “They just ripped it off! And bit me!”

“Stand still,” Shepard says, waving his omni-tool over him.

Kiyo waves him off with a dismissive hand. “I’m fine.”

The scans reveal no serious injuries, so Shepard nods and turns off his omni-tool, the orange glow dispersing from his arm.

“So you did punch them, hmm?” Garrus asks.

“Yeah! It bit me! They deserved to be punched,” Kiyo answers, pushing to his feet. “Did you guys get the… whatever it was?”

“Yes,” Garrus says with a nod. “We did.”

“Defense systems online,” EDI says via their comm link. “The Collectors are retreating.”

Shepard looks up, then, to see she is right. What had looked like a tower in the distance now revealed itself as a massive ship, one he remembers from when he was killed two years prior. He watches as it departs and disappears through the clouds.

“No!” a frantic voice cries, and he looks over to see a guy running over. “No! They got Lillith and Stan and… everybody! You can’t just let them go!” He turns accusing eyes on Shepard.

Shepard holds out his hands defensively. “I did what I could.”

“Who the hell are you, anyway?” the guy snaps.

“I’m Commander Shepard.”

“Shepard… that sounds familiar…”

“Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy,” comes a familiar voice, leaving familiar chills down Shepard’s spine as he spins around to face the newcomer. “Savior of the Citadel. You’re in the presence of a legend. And a ghost.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard breathes, stepping toward his friend.

Kaidan steps forward as well, but stops short of the hug Shepard wanted to give him. Shepard steps back, frowning when Kaidan instead offers him a hand to shake.

_It’s been two years. He’s just… worried._

Just worried. But that’s okay, because this is Kaidan and Kaidan has never doubted him. They were close on the first Normandy; why should now be any different? Even if Kaidan has moved on romantically, Shepard can’t think of anyone he trusts more.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were alive?” Kaidan asks, this flat tone to his voice. His eyes are these dull orbs Shepard once knew so well, but now… they are shuttered. Guarded. _Doubtful_.

“I…”

The words are lodged in his throat because this is _Kaidan_ , and Kaidan shouldn’t be looking at him like that. Not with those big, puppy dog eyes. Not when Shepard remembers him so clearly as he was only two _weeks_ ago… but he knows it’s been two years.

Two years for everyone but him.

He doesn’t know what to say with the ground forced from under his feet.

“I would have followed you anywhere,” Kaidan says through clenched teeth, his hands curling into fists at his sides, momentarily sparking blue. He is angry – angrier than Shepard remembers seeing him. “Losing you… it was like losing a limb.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his head. “I only woke up two weeks ago.”

“Why are you with _Cerberus_?”

The name falls from Kaidan’s lips with such disgust Shepard can’t help but look away. Because all Kaidan sees when he looks at Shepard is _Cerberus_ , just like… everyone else.

He thought Kaidan would be different. _Hoped_ he would be different.

But now…

“I’m not _with_ them,” he says. “Human colonies are going missing, Kaidan. We’re trying to stop it from happening.”

“It’s true,” Garrus says.

Kaidan’s gaze flickers over his shoulder toward the turian. “You too, Garrus? You decide to drop off the face of the galaxy and show up now, with Cerberus?”

“You leave Garrus out of this,” Shepard snaps, causing Kaidan to look back at him. “We’re doing the right thing, Kaidan. I’m not _with_ Cerberus. I’m _using_ them. You have to know that.”

“For all I know, you’re their puppet,” Kaidan says, shaking his head. “Controlled by the Illusive Man himself.”

“No,” Shepard says. “I’m not some _puppet_.”

“Question,” Kiyo says, causing Shepard to glance over at him as he momentarily forgot his presence. “Who is this?”

“This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.”

“ _Commander_ , actually.”

Shepard sighs. Yes, the Illusive Man did say something about that.

“Sorry. Forgot.”

“Who’s this?” Kaidan asks.

Kiyo answers for himself. “The name’s Kiyo.”

“I just can’t believe you’re with Cerberus,” Kaidan sighs, dragging his gaze back toward Shepard.

“I’m not _with-_ ”

“They rebuilt you. Gave you a ship.”

“To stop the Collectors!” Shepard snaps, glaring at his… They’re not lovers anymore. He doesn’t think they are even friends. He glares at his fellow soldier. “But it’s clear you don’t care about any of that.”

“What am I supposed to think?”

“How about believing me, for starters.”

If anyone believed him… it should be Kaidan, right?

And yet…

His shoulders slump. His head throbs, as does his wounded arm. He was going to apply medi-gel but now he finds he doesn’t want to heal it. This physical pain is better than… _whatever_ it is he’s feeling right now.

Betrayal.

Hurt.

Hatred.

Not hatred for Kaidan, but hatred for Cerberus and the fact they have apparently made him so untrustworthy even _Kaidan_ , the most forgiving person he knows, can barely look him in the eye.

“You could come with me,” he finally says, but he’s not holding his breath for that answer. “If you doubt me so much. Keep me in line.”

He feels his head ache more even as he says the words.

“I’m an Alliance soldier. Always have been and always will be,” Kaidan says quietly, but there’s still that dull, flat tone in his voice. So _untrusting_. “I know where my loyalties lie.”

With each word, Shepard wants to… leave. He wants to leave this place, or punch someone. Neither option feels very appealing, honestly.

“Asshole,” Kiyo mutters.

“Excuse me?” Kaidan asks.

“You’re being an asshole,” Kiyo says. “He was obviously your friend. I’d think you’d be happy he was alive, and not yelling at him because of it.”

“I… I _am_ happy he’s alive,” Kaidan says. Shepard lifts his gaze to meet those familiar brown eyes. “I’m happy you’re okay, Shepard. I just… I can’t trust you. Not when you’re with Cerberus.”

Shepard shrugs. He just feels so _tired_ right now. “Believe what you want to believe, Alenko. I really don’t give a damn. It’s obvious you don’t.”

“Shepard…”

He turns around, his back facing Kaidan because he can’t look at him right now. Not if he wants to end things on his terms, and not Kaidan’s. If things are going to end this badly between them, he needs to have the last say. He’s not sure what he’ll do otherwise, if he has to watch Kaidan walk away.

He takes a breath and steels himself, ready to walk away.

“Have a nice life, Kaidan.”

 


	4. On Edge [Kiyo's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard hasn't been the same since Horizon. Kiyo intends to help if he can, for the good of the crew, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is kind of boring... oh well xD I'm still having fun with it. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Chapter Four: On Edge [Kiyo’s POV]

 

Shepard’s been different since Horizon. A lot different. There are no more easy smiles. He doesn’t joke with Kiyo, or anyone, anymore. His eyes are dark and have rings under them, and he’s paler than usual. He’s also pushing himself harder. The next two missions they do are brutal, not because of their difficulty really, but because Shepard won’t let them take a break. If they do take a break, Shepard does not. He keeps right now shooting and ducking and dodging.

When he’s not on a mission, he spends his days in the cargo bay, shadow boxing a wall, or cleaning his guns. Sometimes Kiyo can find him there and offer support in the form of someone to fight other than his own shadow, but lately Shepard leaves as soon as he gets there.

After a week of this, Kiyo has had enough, as has everyone else on the ship.

“So what’s up with him?” Kiyo asks one day in the mess, poking his food around his plate with a fork. Garrus and Kasumi sit across from him. Kasumi is an interesting girl and someone he used to attempt to track when he was with C-Sec, so it’s intriguing to finally meet her. She is an expert thief with a mysterious disposition.

“He’s just moody,” Garrus says.

“He seems upset,” Kasumi says.

Kiyo nods. “He’s angry. And he’s not sleeping.”

“Shepard has neglected to eat for two days now,” EDI says, appearing at the small console near the table, causing Kiyo to suck in a quick breath. He doubts he will ever get used to that, or the thought of them constantly being monitored. “His vitals also suggest he is deeply exhausted and needs nourishment.”

Kiyo scrubs a hand across his face. He thinks he knows why Shepard is acting like this, but he can’t be sure until he asks. A part of him wants to give Shepard his space, but another part wants to get this hard part over with. Shepard can’t stay like this; it’s not good for anyone on the crew. He’s unstable at the moment, and they need him at his best if he’s going to be leading them anywhere. If they are going to indeed attempt to go through the Omega 4 Relay.

“Where is he, EDI?” he asks the AI.

“He is currently in his cabin.”

“Is he sleeping?”

“It does not appear so.”

He looks at Kasumi and Garrus. Garrus would be better suited for this, better suited for helping Shepard. Kasumi is nice; she could do the job as well. He barely knows Shepard even though he’s been on this ship for nearly a month now. A month of running around gathering people like they are starting a collection. A month of ground mission after ground mission.

He never saw this much action on the Citadel.

He likes it as much as he hates it.

He likes it for the thrill; hates it because of the downtime. They do so many mission that when they get more than an hour or two between them, he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“Go ahead,” Garrus tells him.

“Yeah. Guess I’ll talk to him,” he says, shaking his head as he pushes to his feet. “You said he hasn’t eaten, EDI?”

“That is correct, Mr. Montoya.”

“It’s just Kiyo, please.”

“Very well, Kiyo.”

“Thank you.”

He moves toward the cooking area. The cook has the ingredients he complained about now having before, since Shepard picked them up when he brought Kiyo aboard the Normandy. The food smells good and also tastes decent. He dips a large spoon into the chili and manages to get a decent amount into a small bowl before he grabs a few beers from the refrigerator.

Shepard needs to relax for a bit. What better way to do it than to get drunk enough to sleep?

Juggling everything is more difficult than he thought it would be, but he manages to make it up to deck one without dropping anything, which is a victory.

Then he just stands outside the of the door into the captain’s cabin, wondering if this is the right decision. Finally he sighs and shifts his items enough that he can carefully knock on the door.

It whooshes open a second later to reveal Shepard standing there, blue eyes watching him as he frowns.

“Kiyo,” Shepard says with a nod of greeting. “Is there something you need?”

His voice is heavy with exhaustion, his eyes guarded. He clearly does not want to do anything. Kiyo shrugs.

“You could help with this luggage.”

“Why did you bring beer and… is that chili?” Shepard asks, taking the beers from him.

“Yes, yes it is. A little birdy told me you haven’t been eating.”

“EDI,” Shepard sighs, shaking his head as he steps back, allowing Kiyo to enter the room.

This place is bigger than Kiyo thought it would be. It even has a fish tank for part of a wall, but the tank is empty. The bed is neatly made as though no one has slept in it in days, which he thinks is probably the case. He puts the chili down on the small table near the bed and sits on the couch against the wall behind the table, patting next to him to get Shepard to sit as well.

Shepard sighs and sits next to him. “Thanks, but I’m not really hungry.”

“Didn’t ask if you were hungry,” Kiyo tells him. “Eat up, sunshine.”

Shepard shakes his head but reaches for the fork nevertheless. Kiyo pops open a beer and pushes it Shepard’s way before opening one for himself and taking a long swig of it. The frothy liquid burns on the way down.

For a long time they sit there in silence. Finally Shepard pushes the bowl away, lips pursed. Most of the chili is gone so Kiyo nods in satisfaction.

“So… want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Uh huh. Try again.”

Shepard tosses him a quick glance before focusing solely on the beer in his hands. “Why do you care?”

“Because you’re my friend,” Kiyo tells him.

He doesn’t have many friends, but he trusts Shepard in a fight and that’s as good as it gets, right? He trusts the guy to have his back. They are friends even though they haven’t really known each other very long.

Shepard releases this heavy, bitter laugh. “Friends. Huh. Thanks for the food and the beer, but you can go now.”

“Is that a dismissal?”

“If that’s what you want to call it.”

Kiyo frowns, watching the commander for a moment. He’s not sure what to do now. He’s not sure why he thought coming up here was a good idea. He at least got Shepard to eat something, but it feels like he should say or do something. Leaving right now feels… wrong.

Nevertheless he gets to his feet, looking down at the commander. “If that’s what you want, sir.”

Shepard’s expression darkens somewhat as the man nods, taking a long chug of his beer, looking away from Kiyo yet again. “That would be best.”

“Alright. I’ll go.”

_I know when I’m not wanted._

He moves toward the door, fully expecting Shepard to stop him at some point. He feels like there is a connection between them right now – they are friends, and friends help each other when they are in need. Shepard wants to reach out, Kiyo can see it in his eyes and his rigid posture, but he makes it to the door without any interruptions. The pang of disappointment is sudden and unwarranted.

“Wait,” Shepard says as the door slides open.

Kiyo stops and turns back. “Yeah?”

Shepard chews on his lower lip for a moment, before he sighs and shakes his head. “Thanks again, Kiyo. I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine. Really.”

_Sure you are._

“Whatever you say, Shepard. I’m here if you want to talk. That’s what friends do, after all.”

“Friends,” Shepard repeats again, closing his eyes. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I guess I’ll talk to you later, Malcolm.”

With one last glance at Shepard, he steps out of the captain’s cabin and enters the elevator as the cabin’s door slides closed.

 

They are on Illium, searching for Than Krios and a justicar named Samara. They run into an asari named Liara T’Soni, whom Shepard seems to know fairly well. The two hug and Shepard breathes deeply as they do so, before he pulls back and holds her at arm’s length.

“How are you?” he asks her.

“I am well,” she says, smiling at him. She has a nice smile – warm, caring. It reminds Kiyo vaguely of his mother. “And you, Shepard?”

“I’m fine,” Shepard says with a shrug as he releases the asari.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I’m looking for Thane Krios and Samara, a justicar.”

They get the information they need and leave Liara’s office. Illium is a beautiful place and Kiyo has never been here before. He wants to explore but he knows that is not why they are here, and they need to stay focused.

They get to an officer who tells them where to find Samara, and head there first. A murder has been committed outside of the police station there, which seems rather bold. A volus is there attempting to leave but is stopped by the officers before he can do so. They pass the chaos outside and enter the police station.

Detective Anaya is nice enough, and points them in the direction of Samara. She says she will have to bring Samara in and detain her because that is what her bosses want, but a justicar’s Code will not let them be taken into custody. Samara will kill Anaya before that happens.

The justicar Code is something Kiyo has never heard of before, so he doesn’t really ask questions. It’s probably better if he doesn’t know, and it won’t help them find Samara and convince her to join them.

They enter the building where the Eclipse gang have taken over everything. Kiyo has never been fond of gangs, those he’s joined several while undercover for C-Sec. It’s always about death and blood and drugs for them.

The Eclipse sisters run this particular gang. Each sister has to kill someone to get into the gang. It’s a ritual of sorts. Gangs with this kind of entrance fee are the worst, Kiyo thinks.

They travel through the building until they finally find Samara, killing another asari by breaking her neck, standing over her. Samara turns toward them, then, biotics still bright around her. Kiyo has always been a little wary of biotics. Not because he thinks people – or aliens – with this ability are weird, but because it leaves him at a great disadvantage in a fight.

And Samara is powerful. He’s not sure he could win in a fight against her, so he hopes this doesn’t escalate, though a part of him revels in the challenge.

He’s never fought a justicar before, after all.

Samara agrees to go into Anaya’s custody but only for a day. After that she must continue her mission which means killing her way out if she has to. This makes everyone more than a little uneasy. Shepard assures her that they will find the ship manifest she needs in order to continue tracking whomever she is after, and they head out of that building, drop Samara off at the precinct, and then go up the elevator outside to further investigate the Eclipse sister’s hideout.

“Those chemicals are hazardous,” EDI cautions them when a container explodes, a red mist covering the area. “I must advise against contact.”

“Understood,” Shepard says. “Let’s go.”

They push through a doorway and into a firefight.

“Gotta say,” Kiyo says, tossing Shepard a quick grin, “never a dull moment around you.”

Shepard shakes his head and summons his combat drone.

Containers explode next to them. They move away from the red mist and into yet another firefight. This place is heavily guarded – of course they don’t want to lose their stash of drugs and red sand. Red sand is an addictive and dangerous drug, especially like this.

“Kiyo,” Shepard suddenly hisses, grabbing him by the arm, hauling him backward.

Kiyo blinks and realizes he’d been standing a little close to the mist in front of them. His internal medical systems demands attention to the problem. The further away from it he gets, the medical interface quiets and he nods at Shepard that he is fine and he is good to keep moving forward.

They fight their way through the place a little more. It’s a never ending battle. Kiyo’s been low on ammo for a while now, and will be out after he uses the next clip. Shepard seems to know this as he tosses Kiyo a thermal clip as he’s reloading.

It takes a while but they finally find the room in which the manifest is in, and must fight more Eclipse sisters. It’s not until Shepard starts to cough that Kiyo realizes something has gone terribly wrong.

Shepard has been knocked into a thick mist of the toxic chemicals and is coughing heavily. He staggers out of the mist and drops to his knees, still coughing, eyes bloodshot and face flushed and yet pale at the same time. Sweat beads his brow.

“Shepard!”

He looks at Jack who nods at him, telling him she can handle the remaining opponents. He darts across the room toward Shepard, landing next to him. Even though Shepard is out of the mist, it lingers around him, on his clothes, and Kiyo fights the urge to cough himself.

“Shepard?” he asks, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m-” Cough. “-fine.” Cough.

“That’s your favorite saying,” Kiyo mutters. “Isn’t it. We need to get you out of here.”

Shepard shakes his head, the coughing slowly dying down. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Where’s Jack?”

Kiyo nods across the room at where Jack is disposing of the final opponent. Once she is finished with them she turns to face the two of them.

“C’mon,” Kiyo says, throwing Shepard’s arm of his neck and shoulders, hauling the man to his feet. “Let’s get you out of here.”

“Yeah,” Shepard breathes quietly. “Maybe you’re right.”

Kiyo frowns. He’s not sure if Shepard has ever caved before. He knows this is bad as soon as Shepard’s legs give way and he’s carrying dead weight.

“Fuck,” he growls as he goes down with the commander. “Jack, call for help.”

“And how do I do that?” Jack asks, coming over.

“You’re smart,” Kiyo tells her. “Figure it out.”

Shepard is still breathing, which is good. He’s already running a bit of a fever, though, Kiyo notices when he slips a glove off his hand and presses his knuckles against Shepard’s forehead. It’s nothing too serious, though.

Jack returns a moment later and tells him help is on the way.

 

Shepard wouldn’t have had such a bad reaction to being expose for a rather short amount of time, no matter how much the mist surrounded him, if he’d been eating and sleeping properly. Kiyo mentally cursed his inattentiveness. Everyone’s inattentiveness.

They are supposed to look out for their superiors. More than that, look out for their friends. And he has failed.

“How’s he doin’, Doc?” he asks as he enters med bay. Shepard is sprawled on a bed, an IV hooked to his arm.

“He will make a full recovery,” Dr. Chakwas tells him, looking at him from where she sits at her desk. “I’m keeping him sedated for the remainder of the day. He needs his rest.”

“Agreed,” Kiyo says, moving back toward the door. “Keep me informed, Doc.”

“Very well.”

He leaves the med bay and nearly runs into Garrus. He has _got_ to stop nearly running into people.

“How is he?” Garrus asks.

“He’s fine,” he tells the turian, shrugging. “She’s keeping him sedated for now. Nothing serious. He’s just exhausted and malnourished.”

Garrus sighs and shakes his head. Kiyo knows the crew will do better to keep an eye on Shepard after this. At least their remedy their previous mistakes.

 

As soon as Shepard gets up and leaves med bay, he’s going back down to Illium even though Samara is aboard the ship. They returned the manifest to her and she agreed to join them on the Normandy to stop the Collectors. Everyone seems eager to stop them, which Kiyo guesses is a good thing except for the whole ‘suicide mission’ bit.

Shepard looks for Thane with Garrus and Jack, leaving Kiyo on the ship. It’s then Kiyo realizes he is rarely left behind. Shepard usually takes him with him. He likes to think he has earned his place on the away missions, as a friend and a brother in arms. Still, it is odd to be on the ship while he knows a firefight is happening on Illium.

Thane has been hired to kill someone – Nassana Dantius. Kiyo knows the name. He’s tried to bring her down before, but she was always too private, too careful. She is definitely paranoid. A part of him agrees with Thane – she needs to die because she is too careful otherwise. She will always escape the law. She is a wicked person.

But as an officer, he knows it is wrong to think that way. Killing isn’t always the answer but it’s sometimes better that way.

He suffers from inactivity rather than boredom once again.

His omni-tool beeps and he checks the message sent to it. It’s from Dr. Chakwas. She wants to see him.

He leaves engineering and heads up to deck three, before entering the med bay. She is waiting for him and tells him to take a seat on one of the beds. He sits on the closest one and she waves her omni-tool, doing a quick scan of him.

“I have been negligent, I am afraid,” she says apologetically. “I received your medical files but didn’t do an examination of my own.”

“… So this is a physical?”

“In a way,” she says, smiling. She’s motherly and warm. He misses his mom again. “Nothing invasive.”

“Alright.”

 

Dr. Chakwas is _fascinated_ with his condition. She says she has never seen it before; it is rare. She takes some blood samples, runs a few standard tests, and then says he is free to go. By the time it’s all over his stomach is growling so he goes to the mess. To his surprise Garrus is standing near the entrance to the forward battery, and he looks… perturbed, if turians can look that way.

He is talking quickly with Kasumi, who de-cloaks for the conversation. As Kiyo approaches, their gazes turn toward him.

“Hey,” he says. “How was the mission? Did you get Thane?”

“We got Thane,” Garrus says with a nod. “I’m a little worried about Shepard, though.”

“Oh? Worried how?”

“He pushed a guy out of a window,” Garrus says. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but he seems on edge. It’s just not like him. There was no remorse, no hesitation.”

Kiyo frowns. “The guy deserved it, right?”

He can’t picture Shepard pushing a random civilian out of a window.

“Yes, he was working for Nassana Dantius,” Garrus tells him, and he shrugs.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s just not his style. He’s been on edge since we left Horizon.”

 _Alenko_.

It has something to do with Alenko. And he thinks he knows what it is.

“You should talk to him, then,” he tells Garrus.

“He won’t talk to me,” Garrus says, shaking his head. “I’ve tried.”

Kiyo frowns. He knows Shepard and Garrus are close, so why won’t Shepard speak to Garrus about what is bothering him? Pent up emotions aren’t healthy. He knows this from doing too many jobs with C-Sec.

Garrus returns to the forward battery and Kasumi cloaks again, going invisible. Kiyo shakes his head and moves toward his original destination: food.

 

The Normandy is a nice ship, but he still feels a little out of place when he’s here. Maybe it’s because he’s alone in the crew quarters; the rest of its occupants are usually always working somewhere on the ship. So he is usually alone, and the crew has been quiet anyway, ever since Horizon. There’s this tense atmosphere in the air and no one wants to talk about it. He doesn’t even know how to go about bringing the subject up, so he just stays to himself and waits for it to pass.

It doesn’t.

It’s not until Tuchanka that he decides he’s had enough, and if no one else is going to do anything, then it’s up to him.

He waits for Shepard on deck one, just pacing in the tiny little space between the elevator and the entrance to the captain’s cabin. He knows Shepard will eventually come here, though looking back on his plan now, he wonders if this is the right move. He might be waiting here for hours.

As it turns out, he doesn’t have to wait very long. The elevator doors open and Shepard steps out, looking wrung out and exhausted until he sees Kiyo and his eyes widen marginally in shock before he manages to cool his features.

“Kiyo,” Shepard says with a polite nod of his head, though his jaw is clenched. “Is there something you need?”

He sounds as though he would be _okay_ if Kiyo said yes, but Kiyo knows otherwise.

“Just wanted to talk,” he says. “How was Tuchanka?”

Shepard looks him over for a moment, frowning at him, before he shrugs and steps into the captain’s cabin, allowing Kiyo to enter after him. Shepard gestures for him to sit on the couch like last time, and then moves toward the bathroom.

“I’m gonna shower,” Shepard tells him. “If you don’t mind.”

“Go right ahead,” Kiyo says. “I’ll wait.”

Shepard frowns at him again but then disappears into the bathroom, the door sliding closed behind him. A moment later the shower turns on. Kiyo leans back into the cushions of the couch, tilting his head backward, and closes his eyes.

He must have dozed off because suddenly Shepard is poking his shoulder. He yawns and opens his eyes to find Shepard standing next to him, running a towel through his damp black hair.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Shepard asks.

“How was Tuchanka?”

“It was fine.”

Kiyo nods because this is an answer he expected. He wasn’t down on Tuchanka with Shepard since he was left behind again, but he tries not to take offense to that. He just got used to being on ground missions that the change is a little unsettling.

“You head-butted a krogan,” Kiyo says, folding his arms over his chest as he leans back into the cushions, watching Shepard. “Or, so I’m told.”

Grunt was very excited about this. Kasumi thought it was great, too. It sounds awesome, Kiyo admits, but doesn’t seem like Shepard. Don’t get him wrong, he knows Shepard needs to blow off steam and he’s certainly not a saint, but head-butting a krogan is going a little far, especially surrounded by other krogan. And then they fought a thresher maw and killed it.

“Yeah,” Shepard says slowly, “so?”

“Well…” He doesn’t really have a point. “How are you? After that, I mean. I’d have a hell of a headache.”

Shepard smirks. “Their heads are really hard. Thankfully I’m just as thick-headed. I’m fine.”

“How did I know you would say that.”

Shepard quirks a thick brow at him. “You saying I’m predictable?”

Kiyo smiles. “If the shoe fits.”

“You stay away from my shoes.”

“I’ll try to resist.”

Shepard shakes his head. “Why did you really come up here? What did you need? It wasn’t just to ask about my well-being, was it?”

Kiyo shrugs. “You’ve been off lately. Want to talk about it?”

“Off how?” Shepard’s voice is now guarded, all traces of humor dispersing.

“Ever since Horizon,” Kiyo tells him. “And you know how.”

Shepard shrugs. “I thought Kaidan and I were friends. I thought he’d trust me. I was wrong. I’ll get over it.”

 _Commander Alenko_.

It’s really none of his business, but he needs to ask anyway. “He wasn’t just a friend. Was he.”

Shepard is quiet for a long moment, before he shrugs and shakes his head, spinning on his heel with his back now facing Kiyo. “Doesn’t matter now. Is that all you wanted? Because if so, I’m fine. You don’t need to check up on me. Did Garrus put you up to this?”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because he’s been on my case about it, too,” Shepard mutters. “Look, I’m _fine_ , okay? I don’t need your pity. I’m _fine_.”

Kiyo watches him for a moment, the tense outline of his back, the stiffness of his shoulders. “Right,” he says. “You’re fine. Of course. So… you _didn’t_ push a guy out of a window when tracking down Thane?” Those shoulders stiffen more. “You _didn’t_ head-butt a krogan?”

“Get out.”

He frowns. “Excuse me?”

“Get out. I don’t need this.”

“Shepard.”

“ _Get out_.”

Kiyo gets to his feet slowly. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he says honestly. “I’m just… the crew is concerned, that’s all. Ever since Horizon…”

“I don’t want to talk about Horizon,” Shepard snaps, spinning to face him, blue eyes narrowed and angry. “Okay? It’s in the past. It doesn’t matter. I’m _fine_.”

Kiyo shakes his head. “Yeah. Because you sound like you are.”

“I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity,” Kiyo tells him. “Just friendly concern. We _are_ friends, right?”

Shepard stops, then, the anger dying from his gaze. “Are we?”

“I think we are,” Kiyo says. “But it’s more of a mutual agreement, I guess. So, are we?”

“Sure,” Shepard says.

“Alright then. Friends worry about each other. Friends let you know when you’re… not yourself.”

“Not myself,” Shepard echoes, this flat tone to his voice. “I’m myself, thanks very much.”

_Okay… what nerve did I hit?_

“Of course you are,” he says. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just mean you’re a little on edge. Angry. Alenko’s distrust hurt you, I know. But don’t let it get to you because we need you with a clear head.”

Shepard shakes his head. “Right. Because everyone _needs_ me.” He sighs heavily. “Okay, Kiyo. Thanks for telling me. I’m fine.”

“I’m here if you want to talk,” he tells him. “And I promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone.”

“EDI knows anyway,” Shepard says. “She’s always listening. Isn’t that right, EDI?”

“It is in my programming, Shepard,” EDI says from her little terminal near the door to this cabin, her little blue outline popping up momentarily. “Is there something you need?”

“No, EDI, we’re good,” Shepard tells her.

“Very well, Shepard.” The blue outline disappears.

“See what I mean?”

Kiyo shakes his head, chuckling faintly. “Right. No privacy on this ship. I forgot. Oh, God, you don’t think she watches us shower, do you?”

“I don’t think she’s a pervert,” Shepard says, smirking. “So I think we’re good.”

“Good.”

“Got something to hide?”

Kiyo smiles. “Of course not, Commander. What you see is what you get.” He nods at the door. “Anyway, I’m gonna go. Unless you want to talk?”

Shepard shakes his head. “I’m good for now, but thanks. I’ll let you know if I want to… talk.”

Kiyo nods and moves toward the door.

“Have a nice, er… night, I guess. Malcolm.”

“You too, Kiyo.”


	5. A Friend in Need [Shepard's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard visits the Normandy Crash Site to collect the dog tags and set up the memorial. Kiyo tags along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up the second half of this chapter... it's not a mission from the game. So... yepp... sorry if it sucks xD

Chapter 5: A Friend in Need [Shepard’s POV]

 

_Normandy Crash Site Located._

He knows he can only put this off for so long, but this is something he doesn’t want to do. It’s this irrational fear, he knows, but it feels like falling all over again. To truly put the event behind him, though, he has to do this. He has to put this behind him, accept that it’s been two years for everyone but him, accept that everyone has moved on and/or forgotten about him, and he needs to find the dog tags. More than anything else, he needs to find the dog tags of those twenty missing crew members he knows are dead. Everyone knows they are dead. But the dog tags will give everyone closure.

So he knows he has to do this.

Joker has brought the Normandy over Alchera. As Shepard looks at it all he can think about is the fact he died here. A month ago, in his mind, but two years ago for everyone else. His last sight was of the planet getting closer as he fell into its gravitational pull. Now he has to take a shuttle down to the crash site, look through the wreckage of what was once his life, and try to put the pieces back together. Find the missing dog tags. Set up a memorial for those left behind.

_Why me._

He knows why it has to be him that goes to Alchera, because these were his people and he owes it to them. What he doesn’t understand is why Cerberus only brought _him_ back. He knows it was costly, but what makes him so special? Because he defeated Sovereign and Saren at the Citadel? That wasn’t just him, it was his entire crew. What makes one member of the crew more important than another?

A part of him wishes he was never brought back.

Death was sudden and final, but that was the beauty of it. It was _final_. There was comfort in that. But this isn’t final because he’s awake and alive and it’s two years in the future… and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

They should have saved someone else.

Like Pressly. Pressly was a good man; he should have been the one brought back. Everyone played a part in stopping Saren, not just Shepard. What makes him so special everyone else was left dead but he was brought back to life?

Is he even himself anymore?

Everyone is wary of him. Kaidan doesn’t trust him. His old life is gone. This new life is difficult and he’s not sure he wants to be a part of it. A part of him looks forward to this suicide mission. He used to worry about it, because he just returned from death and now he is facing death again… but now he welcomes it. Welcomes it like he hasn’t before, because he wants to just get over this part. Get over being alive right now when everything isn’t as it was.

Call him a coward, but he doesn’t like it here. He’s not entirely sure who he is anymore. Is he still Malcolm Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, Commander of the SSV Normandy… or is he really just a puppet of the Illusive Man? Kaidan’s words from Horizon still echo through his mind, and even the crew are saying he isn’t being ‘himself’. To be honest he’s not sure how to be himself anymore. Nothing feels right.

Sighing, he steps out of the elevator and into the shuttle bay to get on the shuttle to go down to Alchera alone. He doesn’t really want to do this alone, but he can’t force Garrus or anyone to go with him. It is a painful memory for the turian, Shepard knows, and Joker was the only other one that was there other than Chakwas. Joker has brittle bones so the shuttle ride down might not be the best for him, and Chakwas has other duties she needs to oversee, so that just leaves him.

The memorial is already loaded into the shuttle. He just needs to put it into place in front of the wreckage of the Normandy and collect the dog tags. Easy enough.

What he’s not expecting is to see Kiyo leaning against the shuttle, fiddling with his helmet held in his hands as he looks up at Shepard’s arrival, smiling.

“Hey,” he says amicably. “Thought you could use some help. That memorial is heavy.”

Shepard doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t trust himself to say anything right now, so he simply nods and climbs into the shuttle. Kiyo climbs in after him and they both put their helmets on.

It is freezing on Alchera, snow covering the ground in a thick cover. Bits of the Normandy are everywhere, even off in the distance. Looking at it like this, with long parts here and there, Shepard realizes he never noticed just how big the original Normandy was. The Normandy SR-2 is bigger. He doesn’t notice how big when he is on board, but seeing the pieces like this… everywhere…

The Normandy SR-1 was massive and state of the art. It was perfect, really. His ship. His home. His crew. His _life_.

“Everything okay, Commander?”

Kiyo’s voice snaps him from his thoughts and he glances over. The shuttle doors are open but he hasn’t stepped out of the shuttle yet. Only Kiyo stands in the snow. Behind the helmet he can’t make out Kiyo’s eyes but he knows he is being watched.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Shepard says, stepping out of the shuttle.

The wreckage looks even more massive now that he’s looking at it all at once. The weight of it pulls down on his shoulders. This was his ship; he let them die. If the Collectors took down his ship, and they seem to be after him specifically… then he is why they are dead.

_I killed them._

“Where would you like to set up the memorial?” Kiyo asks.

“Wherever is fine, just… let me look around first. I need to collect… dog tags.”

“I understand.”

Shepard nods and heads off toward the nearest bit of wreckage. It’s hard to believe this was his ship. It’s hard to believe this has been here, untouched, for two years. It’s still hard to believe it’s been _two years_.

_They say time flies, but this is ridiculous._

“Garrus wanted to come,” Kiyo says after a few minutes of walking silently. Shepard has only found two sets of dog tags so far. It doesn’t look promising. Thankfully there are no bodies. They would have burned up as the wreckage entered the atmosphere. He’s not sure he could take it if he saw their bodies right now.

“Did he?” he replies almost absently, bending down to pick up a third set, brushing off the snow and eying the name before stuffing it in a side compartment on his armor.

“He doesn’t like the cold, though,” Kiyo tells him. “He’s also… I think he’s still torn up over it. I mean, he’s had two years to think about it and accept it, unlike you, but… it’s still rough for him. He’s sorry he couldn’t come.”

“Why are you here?” It’s something he’s been meaning to ask the whole ride down to the planet.

“I don’t mind the cold, and you need help lifting that memorial.”

“So you’re my muscle, huh?”

Kiyo chuckles. Shepard can almost imagine the smile. “I guess I am. Oh! There’s some.”

Shepard watches as Kiyo moves around a large boulder, covered in snow, to pick up some dog tags. He eyes the name, says it out loud, and then hands it to Shepard to add to the rest of them. So far they have four. Sixteen to go.

Shepard knows they might not find all of them. But he’s not going to leave until he’s at least tried his hardest to find them all. His crew deserves that much, as do their families.

“So,” he says in an effort to distract himself, “you don’t mind the cold, huh? I thought you couldn’t feel.” Then he sighs. “I’m sorry. That was rude.”

“It’s fine,” Kiyo says. “I don’t really… _feel_ it, I guess. My pain receptors are deadened. I have a medical interface in my armor, you know? When I was little… my parents got tired of me constantly hurting myself by touching something hot or staying outside in the cold too long because I couldn’t tell the difference.” He shrugs, but his head is turned toward the ground, his voice almost nostalgic. “They took me to this… specialist, I guess. I don’t know. I was six at the time. He said he could help.”

“Help how?” Shepard asks curiously. “If you don’t mind answering, I mean.”

“It’s fine,” Kiyo assures him. “They put these… cybernetics, I guess, in me. Only in my hands. They link up to nerves in my head. It tells me if something I touch is hot or cold. It’s… complicated, I guess, but… I’m used to it. I don’t even think about it anymore.”

“Cybernetics,” Shepard repeats. “Like me.”

“I guess. Except your cybernetics are a lot more advanced than mine, Shepard. They could have probably fixed the problem entirely… made my nerves work again… but it would have required practically rewiring my brain and it was dangerous. So my parents decided against it. I’m used to it, though, so… Um… sorry. I’m boring you.”

“You’re not,” Shepard says. “It’s interesting. I’ve never met anyone with…”

“I know, I know. ‘Rarity’ and all that.”

“That must suck, though.”

“Sir?”

Shepard tosses him a glare even though he knows Kiyo can’t really see his eyes. “Sir, again?”

“Sorry. What do you mean, Malcolm?”

“I just mean… I mean, you said you can’t feel, really, right? Can you feel contact?”

“Define contact.” Kiyo’s voice is slightly guarded. It is the first time he has heard such a tone from the man.

“If I punched your shoulder, would you feel it?”

“Not through the armor,” Kiyo says. “Okay, okay, I know what you mean. If it’s pain, I won’t feel it, no. My body goes out of its way to hide it, I guess. I don’t know. I can feel _pressure_ , kind of it… like weight on me and against me, but… I don’t really have any sensations. I guess.”

“That sucks,” Shepard says.

“You get used to it.”

Shepard shrugs, stopping to pick up another set of dog tags.

“This would be quicker if we split up,” Kiyo suggests.

Shepard knows he is right, but this is something he has to do. “I have to get them all.”

“You’ll get them all, I’ll just be helping. I’ll give them all to you. I mean… _I_ don’t really feel the cold, but you do. So.”

“Is that your secretive way of saying you’re worried about me?” Shepard asks.

Kiyo shrugs, armor moving slightly. “If that’s how you want to look at it, Mal.”

Shepard takes a breath. “Say that again.”

“…Mal?”

He closes his eyes, releasing a slow breath. “Sorry. I don’t really… No one really calls me anything other than ‘Commander’ or ‘Shepard’. It’s… nice to have a name again.”

“I’m sure your friends call you Malcolm.”

“They don’t, actually.”

“Oh.” Kiyo goes quiet for a moment. “That’s, um… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll call you by your name from now on.”

“You don’t have to. It was just nice to hear it for once. And… I’ve never had a nickname.”

Kiyo laughs, this light, breathy sound which is oddly soothing, especially when the atmosphere through here is so tense and heavy, and not because of the snow. “You’re Mal to me.”

Shepard smiles though it is hidden by his helmet. “I’ll go this way if you want to go that way,” he says, gesturing.

Kiyo nods and heads off toward the left while Shepard veers off toward the right.

 

Splitting up does make things go a lot faster. Soon they have all twenty dog tags and meet back up to place the memorial in front of one of the larger chunks. Afterward Shepard stands back and stares at the memorial and the wreckage for a long moment, remembering that day so clearly. He and Kaidan were in his room, attempting to ‘relax’ when the alarms sounded. He sent Kaidan to deck two to see how things were going while he went down further in an attempt to help people into escape pods. By the time Kaidan found him, things were rather dire.

There was little time to react after that. It all happened so fast.

Most of the crew made it and lived. Some did not. He sees their faces in his mind.

A hand touches his shoulder. “Malcolm?”

He takes in a breath and nods, stepping away from the memorial. “I’m ready,” he says, moving back toward the shuttle. Kiyo follows after him.

It is quiet on their way back to the Normandy. Neither speak though Shepard knows he is not alone. Kiyo sits across from him, helmet tipped downward toward the floor, his gaze most likely watching his boots. Shepard leans back and takes a deep breath, feeling the weight of the dog tags in his grip.

He can finally send something back to the families of those lost that day. It’s not much, but at least it’s something. Those people can finally have some closure.

Even if he can’t, they can.

And that’s what matters.

Once back on the Normandy, the shuttle doors open. Kiyo steps out first. Shepard waits a moment, taking in a slow breath because he knows that once he steps out of this shuttle he has to be Commander Shepard again. There is no time for doubt or remorse or hesitation.

“Kiyo,” he says quietly.

Kiyo stops, taking off his helmet. His hair is slightly frizzed yet also flat from the confinement but his eyes are as sharp as ever as they focus on him. “Yes, Mal?”

Shepard smiles. “Thanks. For coming with me.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Kiyo says, smiling at him, before he turns and continues walking away.

Shepard tosses his own helmet aside as he steps out of the shuttle, and prepares to go back to being Commander Shepard.

Funny… but he’d almost rather just be ‘Mal’.

 

Everywhere they go, someone seems to want help. They stop at a small planet to pick up some supplies since they are in the area, and a young turian couple ask for their help in locating their friend who went missing a week prior. A part of Shepard wants to decline and say they are already busy, but they will be stuck here for at least another day, letting the crew relax for a bit, so he decides to go ahead and help someone while he is here.

He doesn’t ask Kiyo to come; he just does.

Kasumi tags along as well. Secretly. Shepard wasn’t going to ask anyone to come at all, but now he has two partners. Kasumi doesn’t even reveal herself until they are a good mile away from the landing zone. She appears in front of them suddenly, walking backward so she can look at them, and Kiyo curses under his breath after he’s done flinching, and tosses her a quick glare. Thankfully they do not need their helmets here since the atmosphere is suitable for humans here.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Kiyo asks.

“Does it bother you?” she asks.

“… There’s no reason to keep-”

“Guys,” Shepard says.

They both stop and look at him.

“No more arguing. We might be running into enemies at any moment.”

This is very true; they don’t know what to expect here. All they know is that somewhere up ahead is the last known location of Reegan, the missing turian. There are many hostile groups on this planet, just like everywhere else. He doesn’t want to get caught in a fight unless it is necessary.

They go quiet and travel in silence for the next twenty or so minutes.

The ground begins to shake, then. He staggers and looks over at the others to see them attempting to keep their balance as well.

“What was that?” he asks.

“Earthquake,” Kasumi says. “Or, something similar. It happens in these parts of the planet. I used to… case some places here. With Keiji.” Her tone goes nostalgic. He understands that she misses him. A part of him feels guilty for telling her to destroy the graybox, but it is what Keiji wanted, and it was to keep her safe.

“Great,” he mutters.

This quake is bad, it seems. It lasts for several minutes, growing worse as the time slips by. He doesn’t realize this is a major problem until he hears a different kind of rumbling, and looks over to find rocks tumbling down the Cliffside off to their far left. It is a bit away but the rocks will hit them if they don’t move now.

“Go!” he orders.

They start running. Behind him he can hear the large boulders hitting the ground as they struggle to keep their balance, the ground still shaking beneath their feet.

They are so focused on avoiding the boulders and trying to stay on their feet that they don’t notice the oncoming attack until it’s too late.

There’s pain as he’s knocked to the ground. The boulders have come to a stop behind them somewhere, and the ground has finally stopped shaking, but the world still spins for a minute as Shepard attempts to figure out what just happened. He pushes his elbows under him and then sits up, looking around. A krogan stands not too far away, having rammed into him using one of their charges.

Shepard jumps to his feet, summoning his combat drone as he sees other members of the Blood Pack clan appearing out of the forestry around them. The quake doesn’t seem to have phased them at all.

The barrage ability on Kiyo’s shotgun keeps a krogan from ramming head on into Shepard again. Shepard jumps back, waving for his drone to move toward the larger group of their attackers. Kasumi cloaks and sneaks behind one of them, hitting him from behind with a fierce blow. That particular attacker drops to the ground and doesn’t move afterward. Quick, lethal and efficient.

“Why are you here?” Shepard asks.

“This is our territory,” one of the pack members says angrily. “You are trespassing!”

“We’re just looking for a missing turian,” Shepard says. “Then we’ll get out of your way. If you could just tell us where-”

The krogan laughs. “That fool, Reegan? He thought he could rip me off! _Me_! Wranc! So I showed him a lesson.”

“So he’s dead,” Kiyo says. “That’s just great.”

Shepard quietly agrees. They came all this way for nothing.

“Then we’ll just be going,” Kasumi says.

“No,” the krogan, Wranc, says. “You won’t. Kill them!”

And then the fight begins anew.

More enemies appear from the thick bushes and tree cover around them. They stand on the edge of what looks like a forest, a wall of trees in front of them and open ground behind them, splattered with rocks from the cliffside.

Biotics wrap around Shepard and fling him through the air. He collides with Kiyo, knocking him down as well. Kasumi cloaks again, going in for another kill as Shepard groans and sits up, rubbing at his head, wishing he’d brought his helmet. He is going to feel this headache in the morning, he knows.

Kiyo sits up next to him. “Never a dull moment with you, huh?”

Shepard shakes his head and gets to his feet.

Kiyo’s fortification field flares to life around him as he steps forward, shooting with his shotgun again. The barrage homes in on the krogan, eating through his armor. Shepard shoots at the krogan as well, summoning his combat drone again. He wishes his drone would last longer; he’ll have to tinker with it for a bit and hope that technology improves if he wants that to happen, though. As it is, he summons it again and brings it toward the krogan as they continue firing at it. Eventually the krogan goes down and they can focus on the rest of the enemies around them. Most of them are vorcha.

The vorcha are creepy, even for Shepard. He doesn’t like calling aliens ‘creepy’, but they remind him of those horror stories he and the other kids used to tell back on Earth when he was little. It makes him remember a time when he was scared all the time. He doesn’t like them.

Kasumi takes one out. Now only four are left. An easy battle.

Kiyo’s barrage brings down another, while Shepard shoots at a third. Kasumi uses a flashbang grenade on the final one, and all the enemies drop to the ground, dead. Finally they can breathe.

“Let’s not come here again,” Kiyo suggests. “I mean… Blood Pack are one thing, but those quakes…”

Shepard nods. “Agreed,” he says. “Everyone okay?”

“I’m good,” Kasumi tells him.

“I’m… er… problem.”

Shepard frowns, looking at Kiyo. The ex-operative is now leaning heavily against a tree, and his face is pale, beaded with sweat. He steps toward him. “Kiyo?”

“Systems are still… messed up, I guess,” Kiyo breaths, slipping down the tree to sit on the ground with his back against it. He pulls his hand away from his side and Shepard notices the hole in the armor. “Didn’t even know…”

Shepard kneels next to him, running his omni-tool over him to check the damage. The wound appears to be deep; he’s losing a lot of blood, and has further irritated the injury by moving a lot. He forgot that the Collectors fried his system on Horizon; he thought it was fixed. Apparently, so did Kiyo. When he gets back to the Normandy he is going to find who has been irresponsible in the maintenance of such things and… he doesn’t know how he will punish them, but he will do something. This is unacceptable.

He checks his stock of omni-gel. He is low. He landed on this planet thinking he wouldn’t be fighting; he didn’t full restock from last time. He wasn’t expecting a fight, nor was he expecting someone to get hurt. He will remedy this in the future, he tells himself. He will make sure everything is ready just in case.

“Kasumi, help me,” Shepard says, waving his omni-tool over Kiyo again, administering what medi-gel he has. It will slow the bleeding but not stop it completely, and he’s still lost a lot of blood. It covers the ground around him, staining the grass and slipping into the dirt. Kiyo’s usual green armor is a darker, brownish color now.

Kasumi picks up one of Kiyo’s arms while Shepard picks up the other, and together they pull him to his feet.

“I’m fine,” Kiyo says.

“Sure you are,” Kasumi says.

“I am,” Kiyo tells her. “I can…” he trails off, then, head dipping forward as he releases a heavy breath. “I’m tired.”

“We’ll get back to the Normandy soon,” Shepard tells him. “Stay awake until then.”

“Whatever you say, Mal.”

Shepard sighs heavily, lifting his other hand to bring a finger to his ear. “Shepard to Joker. Are you there?”

“I’m here, Commander,” Joker says in response through their comm link. “Everything okay down there?”

“We were attacked,” Shepard says. “Kiyo’s hurt. Tell Chakwas to meet us in the shuttle bay. And send a shuttle to us if you can.”

He hopes they can; otherwise it will be a long walk with Kiyo still losing blood.

Worry nibbles at his mind. He shrugs it off. Everything will be fine.

He will make sure they are more prepared next time.

“Aye, aye, Commander,” Joker says. “Sending a shuttle to your coordinates now.”

 

They get back on the Normandy before too long, and Chakwas is waiting for them as requested. She helps Kiyo onto a stretcher which she will then push into the elevator. Kiyo eyes it warily, green eyes tired, face pale as he leans heavily against Shepard. Kasumi moves, releasing him to Shepard, to help take off the larger parts of his armor.

Once the armor is removed, the wound looks worse. It is red and inflamed, still seeping. His clothes are ruined, forever stained with blood.

“I don’t need… I don’t need a stretcher,” Kiyo says sleepily. “Tell ‘em, Mal.”

“I think you do,” Shepard says.

“Oh… whatever you say, Mal…”

Shepard shakes his head and deposits his friend on the stretcher. Dr. Chakwas waves her omni-tool over him, scanning him. “He should be fine,” she assures Shepard. “However, he’s lost a lot of blood. I need to get him to the medical bay.”

Shepard nods. “I’ll meet you there later, Doc.”

“Thanks,” Kiyo says. “For… helping me.”

His eyes are closed and he sounds mostly asleep, but Shepard smiles nevertheless.

“That’s what friends are for.”


	6. Avoidance [Kiyo's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's avoiding him, but no one seems to notice. Oh, and then things go to hell on Eexor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for Shepard's animosity this chapter; I promise it will be addressed within the next 2 chapters. I am either going to do it next chapter with Shepard's POV or wait until 2 chapters for Kiyo's POV again, or split it between them both. I'm not sure yet.
> 
> I also apologize for the delay - nearly a month, gasp! I am sorry about that. These chapters are long, and it has been a while since I played the games. I haven't touched ME2 since starting this story; I really need to but it's a bit of a hassle, so I'm kind of winging it.
> 
> Eexor is a random planet made up by me - don't look into it too much. I made up the mission in this chapter. Hope it still sounds okay though! Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Chapter 6 – Avoidance [Kiyo’s POV]

 

_Shepard’s avoiding me._

He’s not sure where the thought comes from, exactly. It’s not like Shepard has been going out of his way to keep out of Kiyo’s sight. They still talk, they see each other in the mess, and they’ve gone on a couple of ground missions together. Very small missions; nothing too dangerous. The lull in fighting is good, he supposes, except that it lets him think entirely too much.

Thinking has always been a weakness of his. Thoughts can get complicated if given enough time to contemplate anything. Another downside to the lull between missions.

The Normandy is currently traveling toward Eexor, a remote human colony in the Traverse. Why humans always decide to settle in the most dangerous of places is something Kiyo has wondered for a long time, but has sadly not come up with any good answers. They want to stay as far away from Council space as possible, but this means they don’t get the protection when it matters, either. One would think Horizon would be a testament to this, but apparently not.

He’s not sure of the exact details of this mission. He just knows the message was marked as urgent, but not vital to the downfall of the Collectors, which is still their main job. Honestly, it can get hard to keep track of their actual mission when they keep getting sidetracked by all of these other worries and jobs. Everyone needs something, apparently, and Shepard is the only one willing to help. It’s not like he has more important things to do, like _stop the Collectors_ , so why not ask him for help?

And Shepard helps them. Always. He might complain afterward, but he always does what they ask. Otherwise, Kiyo knows, they would just be stuck here waiting anyway, searching for their next area for their main suicide mission.

_Suicide mission._

Kiyo has never been afraid of death, really. How can he, when he could bleed out at any moment from an injury he doesn’t feel? He spent a lot of time in the hospital when he was younger. He’s not afraid of dying, or of death. The finality of it all can be daunting, but once he’s dead, he won’t know the difference so it won’t matter. If there _is_ an afterlife, then he will embrace it if he sees it. If there’s not, he won’t know otherwise, so, again, it doesn’t matter.

Suicide seems like it should be spontaneous, though. Not planned. They are going through a lot of preparation to get ready for this suicide mission; it seems like a waste of time, in a way. If they are all prepared to die, why bother with all the little details? Why get the ship enhancements? Sure, it will help them arrive at their destination in one piece, probably, but it is still a suicide mission. To go on this missions means to stare death in the face and accept whatever happens.

Everyone is a bit on edge, even if they don’t show it. These people are willing to die for their beliefs, to stop the Collectors, but none of them truly want to believe they aren’t going to be coming out of this alive. They have families and friends; they have a lot of special things to live for. It seems like such a waste to have them all die on this mission.

Even if they don’t admit it, he knows a lot of the crew members are on edge. The lull in fighting allows him to notice the little details, like when someone’s voice cracks in the middle of laughter pitched a little too high, or the faintest tremble in someone’s hand when they hand him a piece of his armor he’s left lying around in the crew quarters. The lull in fighting lets him notice a lot of things.

And this is how he knows Shepard is avoiding him.

Shepard isn’t avoiding him in that he doesn’t stick around if they see each other, and he doesn’t seem to be shirking his duties just to keep from speaking with Kiyo. They still talk, but about inconsequential things like the food in the mess or Zaeed’s fondness of explosives. When they do see each other, it isn’t for very long. It is usually in passing, or when they eat if they are both in the mess, but soon the light conversation ends and they won’t see each other again for a while. That isn’t even how he knows Shepard is avoiding him, though. Not even if he’d thought they were becoming good friends after their trip to Alchera.

No, what lets him know he is being avoided is the fact Shepard won’t look him in the eye. The commander will speak to him, and look at him, but not _look at him_. He sees the face as a whole, or peers over Kiyo’s shoulder when they speak, and he won’t look him square in the eye.

This is strange. Shepard has always looked him in the eye. He makes sure to make eye contact with anyone he is speaking with.

Now, though…

Kiyo’s not sure what changed. He’s not even sure when this all started to happen. He tries thinking back on it, wondering what he might have done wrong, but he keeps coming up with a blank in his memory when he attempts this. Things were a little tense and somber on Alchera, but he thought they might have made a little headway on their friendship. Things seemed much more at ease; Shepard even seemed like he was before Horizon. Before Alenko.

Now he seems to have regressed.

Kiyo’s not sure what to think about this. Shepard won’t meet his eye, but he knows he saw Shepard meet Kasumi’s eyes when they spoke. Kasumi always has a hood up, of course, so it is kind of hard to tell, but a person’s gaze sharpens when they are focusing on something instead of staring over someone’s shoulder as they speak. Shepard looks Kasumi in the eye, and Kiyo’s not sure what went wrong.

He wants to find Shepard and get some answers. He wants to apologize if he did something wrong. Their friendship was still fragile, still forming. The fledgling bond growing between commander and crewmate. He’s not even sure why this matters to him; it shouldn’t. So what if someone is avoiding him? It doesn’t matter. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s been ignored, and he’s certain it won’t be the last.

But he thought they were making such good progress… and now all his efforts, all the progress, seems to have vanished.

Asking Garrus about this doesn’t help. The turian doesn’t seem to know what he is talking about; as far as he knows, Shepard isn’t avoiding anyone. Kiyo tries to explain that it’s very subtle, but then Garrus just tells him he is seeing things that aren’t there and Shepard isn’t avoiding him in the slightest. In fact, he says, Shepard asked about him just a few hours ago.

This is news to Kiyo, so he asks Garrus to explain.

The turian’s mandibles flex, the equivalent of a grin. “I can’t give away secrets.”

“Ooh, so it’s a secret, is it?” Kiyo asks with a small smile. He likes secrets. Secrets are fun. For a moment the uncertainty and rising anger within him disperse and things seem much lighter.

Garrus nods. “Look, he just wanted to know how you were doing, and if your armor finally got fixed.”

Kiyo nods, sighing, as the light mood gives way to his conflicting emotions. Shepard made sure he got his armor to the appropriate person this time, and they fixed it. It was worked as it should, now. Shepard knew this already, though, because he took Kiyo on the ground mission about a day ago. There is no real sense of time on a ship; it is neither day nor night. All the hours blur together and it’s hard to keep track of the passage of time.

“Do you know where he is?”

“Shepard? You could try the CIC, or his cabin.”

Kiyo nods his thanks and leave the turian to his never-ending calibrations.

 

Shepard’s not in the CIC, so Kiyo heads toward the elevator. It opens as he is about to press the button, and he nearly stumbles into Shepard who emerges from the elevator. The two stand there, mere inches apart, both having come to sudden halts when they took notice of each other lest they topple over one another. There is this silence, thick and heavy and yet so thin and frail, that hangs over them like an unwanted blanket, and Kiyo takes in a breath to clear his mind.

“Hey,” he says somewhat dumbly, watching as Shepard’s eyes avert over his shoulder. The anger from earlier returns with a fresh burst of irritation. “What’s your problem?”

“Problem?” The word falls from Shepard’s lips like he doesn’t understand the meaning of the word.

Kiyo snorts. “You know what I mean,” he snaps. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m clearly not-”

“You _are_ ,” Kiyo says, glaring at him. “You won’t even look me in the eye!”

Shepard flinches, eyes widening somewhat as they finally – _finally_ – land on his own, and they are finally looking at each other. He’s not being ignored in this moment. Something he said hit a nerve, though, because just as suddenly as those eyes widened, there this hard look sliding over them and while he still looking at him, his expression is a glare of some mix of emotions Kiyo can’t place. Then again, emotions have never really been his specialty.

“Is there something you need, Montoya?”

The name strikes a chord deep inside of him, and suddenly he’s growling, lips pulled back into a snarl as his eyes narrow further, into angry slits which match the intensity of Shepard’s. “No, _Commander_ , I guess there’s not. Sorry to bother you, _sir_.”

Anger burning through his mind, igniting through his body in a way he can’t really feel but a part of him wants to believe he can, he spins on his heel and walks away from the elevator. He wants to go back to the crew quarters, or somewhere that isn’t _here_ , but Shepard is in front of the elevator and walking past him right now doesn’t seem like the best idea, not when he’s angry. So he storms past the galaxy map and heads up front toward Joker. Maybe Joker can calm him down; the man is good for a few laughs, especially in tense situations. Kiyo likes him. Perhaps he can lessen the anger.

Joker looks surprised to see him, his leaf-green eyes widening ever-so-slightly before that lazy smile crosses his face and he sinks back further into his comfortable, spinning pilot’s chair. Comfort is a luxury, he says.

“Kiyo,” Joker says amiably, as always. “Something I can do for you?”

Kiyo hesitates. He’s not sure why he’s here, other than the fact he needed to get away from Shepard at the moment. “Uh… how are things?”

Joker quirks a thick brow at him but doesn’t question him, instead spinning back toward the controls before he answers. “The usual. EDI is upset that I greased over her cameras so every time she looks at me it looks like a dream sequence.” There is an obvious smile in his voice even as EDI pipes up that this is not proper use of equipment.

Kiyo smiles, the anger lessening. “You shouldn’t antagonize the AI, Joker.”

“But then who _else_ am I going to antagonize?”

“Garrus?”

“He might take that stick out of his ass and kill me. No thanks.”

“Kasumi?”

“She might steal me and sell me somewhere. So, no.”

Kiyo chuckles. “Zaeed?”

Joker spins to face him this time, his expression this twisting of brows and lips as he looks absolutely horrified. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Just keeping you aware of your options, that’s all.”

“Right. Not that I don’t appreciate the company, Kiyo, but what are you doing here? You never seemed interested in piloting the Normandy before.”

Kiyo looks away, gaze averting toward the ground as he shifts his feet uneasily. “I, um… I was just…”

“Avoiding someone?” Joker asks.

Kiyo’s head bows down further, his eyes closing. “Kind of. I guess.”

“Shepard?”

Kiyo’s eyes open and he looks at the pilot. “How did you know?”

Joker jabs a thumb in EDI’s direction. The little blue outline of her pops up.

“I overheard the two of you speaking prior to your appearance here,” she tells him.

Kiyo scowls. He forgot the AI has eyes and ears everywhere. Nothing happens here without her knowing about it. It’s as exhilarating and exciting as it is terrifying. There is no privacy. On the other hand, it means they can make up interesting ways of making their own privacy, if so inclined. Creativity and all of that.

“You wouldn’t happen to know why he’s pissed at me, would you?” Kiyo asks, though he’s not very hopeful they will know the answer to this, since Garrus didn’t even know Shepard was avoiding him in the first place.

Joker shrugs. “The guy’s moody sometimes. Best not to get in the way.”

“Little late for that now,” he tells the pilot.

“Just give him some time. He’ll come around. He always does.”

 

Eexor is pretty enough, for a colony. The planet itself isn’t very large, about half the size of Earth. But it is filled with greenery, trees and wildlife, and it looks as comforting as it does dangerous. The colony itself isn’t very welcoming; most sneer at them and tell them to go back to Cerberus, or the Council, because they don’t need them here. Shepard dutifully ignores them, and Kiyo walks behind the commander with Jack.

Kiyo’s still not sure what to make of Jack. Sometimes she is a bitch; she is ruthless, always seeking a fight, relishing in the fact she can easily take someone’s life. She is bitter; they still haven’t gotten to get to Pragia yet, to destroy her old cell and that entire facility. They keep getting waylaid by other jobs which are closer by, and their journey to Pragia keeps getting delayed. Jack is not pleased about this, but she holds her tongue for the most part. Shepard is good at keeping her in check, it seems.

Kiyo and Shepard haven’t spoken more than a few words to each other since they saw each other yesterday – at least, he thinks it was yesterday, but again, there is not day or night on a ship – in the CIC. Kiyo is still a little surprised Shepard invited him to come along on this mission, but Shepard said having humans around in a human colony would make them seem a little less threatening. In a way, it makes sense.

That doesn’t mean they are really talking, though. Shepard spoke of the mission on the shuttle ride here, but that was it.

The colony is on the brink of civil war, it seems. There are two separate groups who want two very different things. One wishes to accept more Alliance aid and protection because Batarian pirates raided the colony not that long ago, creating further tension between everyone. The other group wants nothing to do with the Alliance and are willing to stop the other half of the population no matter the cost, because they do not want Council or Alliance interference in their personal, day-to-day lives.

It seems silly to fight over it, though. Why destroy yourselves when you could band together to face a common enemy? But humanity is not without its flaws, and sadly this is all too common.

So now they are stuck right in the middle of this brewing civil war. Tensions are forever high because a group of teens has gone missing and one side is blaming the other for their disappearances, and believe them to be dead. Shepard has been asked to investigate and retrieve the teens, hopefully alive, so that the tensions can ease and they won’t have to go to war right now. No one wants to fight right now; not with human colonies going mission due to the Collectors.

The charm of Eexor gets old, fast.

“State your business, Cerberus,” a colonist snaps harshly from outside of the main building in the center of one of the colonies. It is technically one large colony, but again, tensions are high, and there is a divide. Not everyone lives in one place.

Shepard’s shoulders stiffen as he walks toward the rude person who stands there, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed and a scowl plastered on his sunburnt face.

“My _business_ involves Camara Dawn and Nate Rivine,” Shepard says with this low, flat tone to his voice which hints at the fact he is angry beneath the surface. Kiyo can’t really blame him; the colonists ask for his help, and then treat them like garbage when they arrive to do just that.

The look on the guy’s face widens marginally before he nods and beckons them inside. As they step forward, though, he throws an arm out, blocking Shepard from entering.

“Just you,” the guy says, nodding at Shepard. “The other two can keep here.”

“My crew comes with me,” Shepard says.

“Not today they don’t,” the guy replies with a sneer. “We don’t trust you Cerberus types. You’re allowed in because Cam and Nate asked you to come; we’ll speak with you, but not with them. If that is a problem, feel free to take it up with them once you’re inside. Now, if you still plan on helping, they are waiting for you.”

Shepard is quiet for a moment before he sighs and runs a gloved hand across his face. When he turns to face them, he looks exhausted, eyes bloodshot and dark as they scan over them. Kiyo shifts under the gaze.

“You two stay here,” he finally says. “I’ll be back soon.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” Jack says instantly.

“Don’t you say that about all of my ideas?” Shepard asks with a small smile, before he turns on his heel and enters the building. The guy follows after him and shuts the door behind the two of them.

Kiyo and Jack share a quick look before they both sit on the porch to wait.

Shepard emerges from the building sometime later. Kiyo is a breath away from storming the building at this point, as is Jack. They are both pacing when he finally exits and strides toward them.

“Well?” Jack asks. “Did those fuckers call you in there to be more rude to you?”

Shepard shrugs. “I have a possible lead.”

“Oh, goody,” Jack says sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

“And some bad news.”

“Of course.”

“Is there any other kind?” Kiyo asks, earning him a tired smile from the commander, which leaves his own lips twitching in response, despite the fact he still wants to be angry with Shepard. He’s not sure what he did wrong in the first place, or why their friendship regressed as it had, but he’s willing to take what he can get right now. Why this is so important to him, he’s not sure, but he’s never questioned his gut before so he isn’t going to start now.

“If we don’t find them in three days, _alive_ , this whole place is going to war.”

“ _Great_ ,” Kiyo mutters, shaking his head. “And if they’re not alive?”

“Then there’s going to be a lot of blood spilled.”

“What so important about a few teens, anyway?” Jack asks, nose scrunched up in confused disgust, or something like that. Kiyo’s never sure with her.

“Two of them are daughters of Camara Dawn, AKA the leader of one of the sides of this place,” Shepard sighs, shaking his head. “She was willing to meet with Nate but only briefly. He’s the head of the other half. Anyway, these teens are the kids of powerful people here – the fact they are missing could be a political ploy to enforce the civil war. So we need to find them, ASAP.”

Kiyo nods. “Alright then, where do we start?”

 

_I fucking hate the woods._

Trees are now his worst enemy. Or, more specifically, _roots_. He’s lost track of how many time he’s tripped and crashed to the ground, or nearly crashed to the ground. The past two times Shepard caught him. The commander is walking next to him to keep him from face-planting in the dirt again, apparently.

It’s late, and dark, and he can’t quite see where he is going. He tries to follow in Shepard’s footsteps but this is difficult when the man is next to him, and he can’t see the ground under his face save for shadows. Traveling through the night is the only way they have a hope of finding those teens before their allotted time runs out. They can’t stop searching for anything, as time is of the essence.

“Dammit!” Kiyo curses as he trips yet _again_ and nearly crashes to the ground when Shepard’s hand latches onto his arm, steadying him. He spins toward the commander, gloved hands coming up to tug at his hair in frustration as he makes out the outline for Shepard’s face, the only light that of the two moons this planet has. “How are _you_ not falling all over the place?”

“I have elegance,” Shepard says seriously.

Kiyo laughs because it’s easier to do that an shout at the roots. How many is that now? Six? Five? More? He’s not sure, but it’s entirely too many times and he hates the woods and he hates trees and roots and-

“Shepard!” Jack calls from somewhere ahead of them. She seems to be navigating just fine, which irritates Kiyo further. Why is _he_ the only one who can’t seem to walk without falling? It doesn’t seem fair.

They hurry toward the sound of her voice and are thankfully not thwarted by more roots.

“Look at this,” Jack says, holding up a bloody shoe. The edges are torn and worn thin, jagged and bloody lie it was ripped off someone’s foot. The blood has long since dried. “Think it’s theirs?”

“Could be,” Shepard says. “They were supposed to be the only ones out here.”

“But then surely someone would have noticed it earlier, right?” Kiyo asks, frowning, a knot forming in his stomach that has nothing to do with planning revenge against roots. “I mean – Jack found it _in the dark_ , when she’s never been here before. And they live here, and those teens are important, right?”

Shepard is quiet for a moment. In the moonlight, his head dips once in a slow nod. “You’re right,” he says. “This is a little too… easy. Suspicious.”

“A trap,” Jack mutters under her breath. And then, louder: “Bring it, you fuckers!”

And they do.

People jump out from behind trees and brush. Guns are firing, biotics thrown, and in the chaos Kiyo trips on another root which leaves him crashing into cover. This seems to have possibly saved his life as he looks up to see a large hole in the tree where he once stood.

_Okay, roots, I’ll give you that one._

The battle is quick and chaotic. It’s dark and he can’t see very much. He is vaguely aware of Jack off to his right due to her biotics glowing blue around her clenched fists as she snarls and sends a shockwave toward the enemies’ location.

Shepard summons a combat drone on his left and it slips into the chaos to grant them cover fire while they take a second to breathe and reload their weapons. This reprieve is very short-lived. All too soon the enemies are firing at them again.

Kiyo doesn’t know what’s happening, really. Why are they being attacked? Why would someone want to set a trap for them? This seems fairly elaborate. Why mention the missing teens and the civil war? Do the teens really exist, or were they made up? Is this colony even on the verge of a civil war? Have they been lied to the whole time they’ve been here?

Rage enters his mind. He detests being lied to. No, scratch that, he can handle the lies. What he _can’t_ forgive is the fact a trap was set for them, and now they are fighting for their lives, all because they tried to be nice and help people. What is with the galaxy? Coming to this? Luring in people who only wish to help, and then attempting to kill them?

Shepard’s blast of incinerate ignites the leaves of a small tree a few of the enemies are using as cover. One of them runs out, ragtag clothes caught on fire, and Kiyo easily kills him. Why would these people attack them without proper armor? It doesn’t matter, though; if it is a fight these colonists want, it is a fight they will get. He is in no mood to be charitable and spare a guy simply because his clothes have caught fire.

“Kill you _all_!” Jack cries as she releases another shockwave toward enemy cover. Three guys are flung from their hiding place. Shepard’s combat drone swoops in to take care of one of them while Kiyo’s barrage takes care of the other two.

How long have they been fighting? He doesn’t know. All he can think about are the shots still being fired, the fact there are who knows how many colonists in the trees, waiting for them. There might even be some behind him.

The thought in his mind, his eyes widen as he looks down at himself. His armor isn’t wailing, though, so there isn’t anything especially wrong. He breathes quietly for a moment, thankful his medical interface is working properly again, and resumes firing at the enemy, switching briefly to his pistol for more accuracy and a longer range.

“Ngh!”

The sound is sudden and pained, and Kiyo’s head snaps over at the same time Shepard shouts, “Jack!”

He watches in slow motion as Jack slumps, the blue flickering away as she falls. She hits the ground with a soft thud. Kiyo hurries toward her but is beaten by Shepard, who summons another combat drone – it sucks that those things don’t last very long – to give them a bit of cover fire while they each grab one of Jack’s arms and hurry her toward better cover.

There is a gaping wound in her side.

“Help her,” Shepard says. “I’ll keep them busy.”

Kiyo wants to argue, but at that moment Jack decides to join the living, because she splutters and coughs and gasps and it’s hard to keep her still. Nevertheless he holds her down, saying he’s sorry, and then he waves his omni-tool over her, the soft orange glow doing little to fix her pale face and twisted expression.

“Get those fuckers,” she says, eyelids drooping as the medi-gel kicks in.

He has slowed the bleeding; she should be fine. He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He is thankful for medi-gel, yet again. It is an excellent invention. Whoever thought of it is a genius and deserves to be bought a drink. Or five.

A hand touches his shoulder so suddenly it leaves him spinning, snarling before he recognizes the deep red armor as Shepard. His gaze travels up to meet those blue eyes which shine somewhat in the moonlight and the chaos around them.

“How is she?” the commander asks.

“She’ll live,” Kiyo says. “How many are left, do you think?”

“I think they might all be dead, finally,” Shepard says with a tired sigh as his shoulders droop somewhat, fatigue heavy in his posture. “I don’t know why…”

“Why they did this,” Kiyo finishes for him, quietly. At Shepard’s nod, he sighs. “Neither do I. It seems like a lot of trouble just to attack you, if you ask me.”

“I agree,” Shepard says. “I can’t wrap my head around it. Something’s not right.”

“Bleeding here,” Jack says tiredly; Kiyo wasn’t even aware she was still awake. “That’s what’s ‘not right’.”

“Get some beauty sleep,” Kiyo says.

“You callin’ me pretty, fucker?”

“Never,” Kiyo tells her with a small smirk. “I don’t have a death wish.”

“ ‘s a good man.”

And then she’s out, slipping away into unconsciousness.

He turns his attention back toward Shepard. “What now?”

“We need to get back to the Normandy,” Shepard says. “But not until morning. We can’t navigate very well in the dark, and Jack can’t travel right now. We’ll start fresh in the morning. We should get somewhere safe, though. Before we stop for a bit.”

Kiyo agrees. It would suck to get turned around while they searched for a way out of these woods, in the dead of night, with more roots ready to pounce on unsuspecting ankles. It would be wrong to give them the satisfaction.

“Sounds good,” he says. “I’ll take the right if you take the left.”

Shepard nods and they each grab one of Jack’s arms, draping it over their shoulders with her balanced between them.

Kiyo isn’t sure what happens next.

All he knows is he blames the roots for the flash of white light, and then the darkness which descends over his mind.


	7. Waiting [Shepard's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard waits for the inevitable, and thinks about his unnatural continued existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, so... I am not too sure about this chapter, but I guess I like it okay xD I might keep going Shepard then Kiyo then Shepard and etc. for POVs but I almost might just do like, a few of the same person's POV in a row or something. Just debating about stuff still. This chapter kind of makes this story a little more AU, but oh well xD I'm having fun making crap up. So there's that. Any feedback would be appreciated :) if you would be so kind.
> 
> ALSO:  
> In-game, I always thought it odd that the Collectors never really tried to get Shepard again. I mean, yes, they obviously capture the Normandy crew while he was away, but if they were truly after him, they would have found another way to get him, so this is my explanation for that or whatever. It is something like that xD There are also probably typos galore; I'm really tired and sick and blech. I apologize for the horrible writing.

Chapter 7: Waiting [Shepard’s POV]

 

His first thought upon awakening is: _Fuck, my head hurts._

The second is: _I’m blind._

He opens his eyes but sees nothing but darkness. His body aches, his head is on fire, and it’s entirely too dark. As he blinks a few times, though, he gets used to the lack of light and knows that, no, he isn’t blind, he is just somewhere very dark. He knows it is a room only because of the hardwood floor beneath him as he struggles to sit up. He’s only mildly surprised when he finds his hands cuffed behind his back. It’s not his first time being cuffed, and it certainly won’t be the last, but this does leave him a little confused. He doesn’t know where he is, how he got here, or why he’s bound like this.

He struggles to think through the pain.

Pain is not a foreign feeling. If he never felt pain, he would feel lost. He can’t imagine how Kiyo must feel, not being able to-

He remembers now. They were in the woods looking for missing teens, but it was a trap. Jack was injured. They were getting ready to move her to a safer spot when… He’s not sure what happened next. He remembers pain, and then darkness.

He doesn’t know where he is, or if the others are okay. For all he knows they are dead, and he has failed his crew yet again. He seems to be doing that lot lately.

“Is that you moving around over there, Mal?”

Shepard blinks. “Kiyo?” he asks as he manages to sit up, his back leaning against a wall, hands trapped behind him.

“Oh, good, I can stop talking to myself now,” Kiyo says.

“Where are we?”

“I have no idea. I just woke up a little while ago.”

“Where’s Jack?”

“She’s over here with me,” Kiyo tells him, and the stiffness in Shepard’s shoulders relax. “She’s still unconscious. Do you know what happened?”

“I was hoping you did.”

“Great, we can be confused together.”

Shepard shakes his head at the attempt of humor. It is calming, in a way; he has always envied those who use humor as a mask, a way to hide their unease. He has never been quite so lucky; instead he hides behind silence and attempts to avoid the problem until he can no longer do so. Procrastination at its best.

“… Mal?”

Shepard blinks, feeling a smile tug at the corners of his mouth as the name slips through the air, but he fights back the reaction all the same. “Hmm?” he replies, testing the strength of his bonds but of course he cannot break free.

“Are you okay?” Kiyo asks.

“I’m fine,” Shepard sighs. “Just a little sore. You?”

“Well, I’m probably sore but I can’t feel it,” Kiyo says with a quiet laugh. “So I’m great.”

“Your armor telling you anything?”

“Don’t have it on me,” Kiyo tells him.

Shepard nods; he doesn’t have his armor on anymore, either. Someone stripped it off while he was unconscious. Anger stirs within him, anger and unease. It is bad enough this whole thing was a trap, but now Jack and Kiyo are stuck here with him. He never meant to get them involved in anything. If they get hurt, or worse, because of him… He doesn’t wish to think about it.

Enough people have already suffered because of him, because of his mere continued existence. Good, innocent people died on the original Normandy but he alone was brought back to life, like he has something to give. And he doesn’t. Cerberus’ attempts and efforts were wasted because he is not this larger-than-life man they assume him to be. He is only a man, attempting to get by in life, and failing miserably in the process.

“So, the whole thing was a trap?” Kiyo asks conversationally, like they aren’t somewhere unfamiliar and aren’t about to die.

Shepard assumes they are going to die, anyway. But if their captor’s goal was to kill them, they would already to be dead, so perhaps they won’t die. Perhaps it will be worse. And he’s gotten them all trapped here with him, and Kiyo is speaking as though they are merely in the mess, eating lunch.

Shepard laughs. It is a feeling which bubbles up in his chest and throat and slips out before he can stop the reaction. “I guess it was,” he replies. “I’m sorry to get you and Jack involved.”

“Better together than alone,” Kiyo says.

Shepard shakes his head and leans further against the wall, closing his eyes.

If it is the last thing he does, he will get Jack and Kiyo out of this. They shouldn’t have to suffer with him, because of him. They are innocent.

 

Time passes. He’s not sure how much, but he knows the rest of the crew must know something is amiss by now. They are probably searching for them, and he has no doubt they will find them. His crew is the best, after all. He trusts them with his life, even if they do not seem to completely trust him yet. He can’t blame them for this, of course; he wouldn’t trust him, either, except he’s stuck with himself so he has to. Even so he doesn’t trust his own mind half the time. Perhaps he is a clone, with all the memories of the original Shepard. Perhaps there really is a control chip somewhere in his brain, controlling how he thinks and acts. For all he knows, he really is a puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man.

But he pushes those thoughts away and tries not to think about it. Instead he attempts to think of a way out of here, and attempts to reason out what their attackers want.

A door opens somewhere in the darkness. Shepard opens his eyes as light spills into the room, blinding him momentarily as they have been in darkness for so long. Slowly his eyes adjust and there is a man standing in front of him, looking down at him. He sighs.

“So?” he asks. “What do you want? I assume you have a good reason for all of this.”

His gaze wanders across the room, then, and focuses on Kiyo and Jack for the first time. Jack is still unconscious, it seems, laying on the ground next to Kiyo. Kiyo, meanwhile, is watching him silently, green eyes focused on Shepard and the man standing in front of him. There is blood on his face and he holds himself stiffly, even though he can’t feel the pain. His body must know something is amiss at the very least, and is responding accordingly. Perhaps something is broken.

Jack and Kiyo need medical attention.

Shepard’s gaze goes back to the man standing in front of him.

“Commander Shepard,” the man says with this smile laced with regret. “I apologize for doing this. It was a necessary evil, I’m afraid.”

Shepard fights the urge to roll his eyes. He has heard this all before; everyone always has a reason for doing something. That doesn’t make it right.

“Were any teens even missing?” he asks instead.

“Yes,” the man says, running a hand across his face. At this angle, he can see the sadness written across the man’s face. There is nothing sinister hidden there, only regret and sorrow, yet also hope. “We do this because we must, Commander.”

“Explain it to me,” Shepard says.

“I can’t at the moment,” the man tells him, looking away. “I assure you I will tell you everything when… things are okay. For the time being, I am willing to release your friends in a show of good faith. I have no quarrel with them.”

Shepard nods even as Kiyo scoffs across the room. “Do it, then,” he says.

“I have your word you won’t try anything, afterward?”

“Yes.”

“Shepard,” Kiyo hisses, and he can feel the glare on his face even though he doesn’t look at his companion, “what are you _doing_?”

 _Saving you and Jack,_ he thinks, but says nothing.

Jack and Kiyo are innocent in all of this; only Shepard is wanted. They have no part in this, and need to be set free. He promises not to fight back should his bonds be released, as long as his companions are released back to the Normandy.

“Shepard,” Kiyo snaps again.

“You have my word they will return to your ship unharmed,” the man swears.

Other people enter the room then, probably having been waiting outside for Shepard’s answer. They move toward Jack and Kiyo and lift them to their feet. Jack is lifted into someone’s arms and is carried out of the room, while Kiyo snarls and pulls away from the hands of those attempting to help him, and finally Shepard casts the man a glance.

Angry green eyes latch onto him. There is hatred written on Kiyo’s face. “You’re just letting this happen?” Kiyo snaps, glaring at him. “You’re just going to give up?”

Shepard doesn’t know how to answer that. He wants to say yes. He also wants to say no. Giving up and doing what’s right are two very different things. He is not giving up; he would fight if that would be the right thing to do, but the right thing to do is to do as these people ask while they release his crewmates.

So he doesn’t say anything, but holds Kiyo’s gaze.

Kiyo staggers as he’s shoved toward the door, the shackles on his feet clanging as he does so. His gaze never leaves Shepard.

“We’ll find you,” he promises as he’s shoved out of the room. “Do you hear me? We’ll find you!”

And then he’s gone, out of the room, out of sight and hearing range, and Shepard looks back at the man standing in front of him.

The man smiles sadly. “I am sorry it has to be this way, Shepard. I truly am. But innocent lives are at stake, teenage lives, and… We must do as they ask if we want to see them again.”

Shepard nods. He understands; he doesn’t regret his decision to do as he is asked. Perhaps this is for the best, anyway. His friends are safe and he is getting no less than he deserves.

He shouldn’t have been brought back, anyway.

If there is death at the end of this journey, he only hopes it will be quick, and won’t feel so much like falling.

 

_The Collectors._

Shepard’s head is still spinning from the new information he has received on his captors. The Collectors attacked the first Normandy to kill him; he knows this. He was hunted, and he is the reason his old crew suffered as they did. He is the reason those members of the original Normandy died. He knows this.

But now the Collectors have gone after him again, but differently this time. More innocents are caught in the crossfire, but Shepard won’t fight it this time. He won’t risk more lives for the sake of his own. No matter what Cerberus might think, he isn’t worth all those wasted lives. One man’s life doesn’t outweigh the lives of the many.

The Collectors have gotten smart this time, though. They didn’t merely attack him again; instead they kidnapped innocent teens and threatened to kill them if these people didn’t capture Shepard and deliver him to them. Why he is so important to them, why think him so important to kill or capture, is beyond him but nevertheless he doesn’t fight.

He doesn’t fight it when he is dragged out of the room.

He doesn’t fight it when he is uncuffed and offered a hospitable room in which to rest and eat and shower.

He doesn’t fight when the door is locked behind him.

The room is temporary; he knows this. By now the Collectors are on their way, with the missing teens. The Collectors have also promised not to take this colony and have everyone vanish like they have elsewhere. For helping the Collectors, this human colony will be spared. This colony, and this colony alone.

Why they want humans is still a mystery to Shepard, but he is almost happy he can help this colony by simply handing himself over. It is almost too easy. One life for the good of the many.

_I can do this._

Death has never truly frightened him. Not until his own true death, of course. But that wasn’t death itself which was frightening, but the act of suffocating to death. In truth it happened quickly; one can’t survive for more than a few seconds without oxygen in space. It isn’t like holding your breath, it is a vacuum and therefore is so much worse, and yet so much better.

Drowning, he’s heard, is a terrible way to go. Your lungs ache and you gasp and choke for air which isn’t there, and swallow only water. You drown not having no air, but because water enters your lungs and you choke and cough and gasp and then it’s over. It happens in minutes but feels like forever.

Suffocating in space is… not worse, but not better, either. It is different. You die in seconds, but it feels like forever. It hurts, like you’re exploding from the inside out, because in a way you are. Your lungs push and expand and it lasts seconds, but it seems like time slows and it stretches out for an eternity.

So it wasn’t death itself that messed with his mind, but the way in which it happened.

He can only hope this time will be different.

If he is even supposed to die.

He almost prays for death instead of becoming like a husk. Mindless, obedient… Not himself.

He doesn’t want to be changed.

Sighing, he scrubs a hand over his face and sits heavily on the soft bed in the room. It truly is a nice room; he is a prisoner, but this is not a prison. In a way this is almost nice. It beats waking up on a cold table while the base you’re in falls apart around you.

_“We’ll find you.”_

Kiyo’s words slide through his mind very briefly. He knows his crew will try. Maybe they will even succeed, but by then it might be too late.

He is oddly okay with this.

He’s not afraid of death. Death is easy and simple. You cease to exist.

It’s ‘dying’ that he has a problem with. The moment before death, when there’s pain and confusion and fear.

He lays down on the bed and closes his eyes.

 

The ‘civil war’, it turns out, is still there, in the background of this colony. But it is not as he once thought, but a little different. They still argue over the presence of the Alliance and the Council. Some want them involved, others don’t. Some want to involve the Council and warn them about the Collectors so they can stop them; others aren’t willing to risk the colony’s lives simply to alert the Council about the abductors of human colonies.

And so there is fighting in the background. Sometimes he hears the arguments from inside his room. Other times he can see it written on people’s faces as they bring him food and a fresh change of clothing. As far as kidnappers go, these are the kindest.

They aren’t truly kidnappers, though. They do this because they have to, for the innocent lives of those captured teens, and for the lives of this colony in general. They are forced to do this. A necessary evil, as they said. This is not something they want to do, and they’re aren’t cruel.

They are merely doing what they must to survive.

Shepard can respect that even if he doesn’t like it.

Self-preservation is a survival instinct, after all. He can’t fault them for wanting to live, for wanting those teens returned safely.

So he lays back and stares up at the ceiling on most days. He isn’t sure how much time has passed, but he knows it has been at least a few days. He’s showered twice. The water is hot and feels good on his tense muscles. If he wasn’t about to be handed over to the enemy, he might even enjoy his stay here.

He tries not to think about it. Tries not to think about the fact he is, indeed, a captive and will either be killed very soon or will be something, someone, else entirely. There are fates worse than death.

Lying here, waiting for the inevitable, might be the worst part of this whole thing. Not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if, the next time his door is unlocked, he will be taken to the enemy or freed. He knows his team is looking for him. They probably know where he is, but getting him out is the problem.

He wonders if he would go with them, if they found him.

Going with them means an end to this colony, to those innocent lives caught forever in the crossfire. Escaping means those lives are forfeit.

He could break out if he truly wanted to do so.

Break down the door. Escape.

He does nothing except stay here in this room, and wait, though.

Escaping won’t help anyone but himself, and even he isn’t that selfish.

_“We’ll find you.”_

“Not likely,” he says quietly, the first time he has truly expressed his doubt. He says it to the blank ceiling above him as he lays on his back, arms folded behind his head. “But thanks all the same.”

It was nice to be ‘Mal’ while it lasted, he decides. To have a name again, and a nickname, and not just be Commander Shepard. Having a friend like that was nice. While it lasted.

But it’s over now.

Then again, everything ends eventually.

He closes his eyes.

 

More time passes. It is taking the Collectors a long time to get what they wanted. If they truly wished for his captor, why aren’t they here yet? He isn’t wishing for them to take him, of course, but the waiting is hard.

Waiting has always the worst, in his opinion.

Fighting, doing things, even having things happening to you, is far easier than waiting for the inevitable. He knows what is coming. Be it death or something worse, he knows he isn’t going to like what happens. It is probably going to be painful. He wishes it would just happen. He wants to get it over with and stop waiting.

Sleep is hard to find these days.

He catches a few hours here and there but then wakes in a cold sweat, unsure as to what will happen the next time he opens his eyes. He tries to detach himself from his body; keep his mind separate, in preparation for whatever is to come. He tries to prepare himself for whatever pain might be bestowed upon him, and for a moment, wishes he could have Kiyo’s ability to not feel pain.

He chases those thoughts away and tells himself:

“Pain is only a state of mind.”

It is a phrase he has carried with him for a long time, ever since N7 training. All the hard work, the stress on his mind and body, the battles and training and everything with Saren and Sovereign…

It has kept him sane.

Pain is only a state of mind, and if he can shut that part of his mind off, attempt to distance the rest of himself from it, perhaps he can ignore what is to come.

It is wishful thinking at best, but it is all he has at this moment, as he waits for the inevitable pain.

_Just get it over with already._

Kiyo asked if he was giving up.

He’s not. He’d fight if he could. If there weren’t innocent lives hanging in the balance.

He shouldn’t be alive, anyway. What Cerberus did is a crime against nature. They brought him back to life after he was already dead and gone, and that can’t be done without a terrible price. He doesn’t yet know what that price is, but he feels wrong. He feels like there is a part of him missing; he feels all this doubt and unease, and he dreams of falling whenever he sleeps. He dreams of choking for that isn’t there. He dreams of Alchera as the gravity pulls him toward the planet as his vision blurs. He dreams of dying all over again.

He is not natural anymore.

He is changed. Something inhuman. Cybernetics holding his body together when it was dead and gone. When _he_ was dead and gone. Putting a body back together is one thing, but you can’t have life without a spirit, a mind. And he knows he came back damaged. Something is missing, something is out of place, and he feels wrong.

He shouldn’t be alive.

He lives while many others died. What makes him so special?

A crime against nature. The unthinkable. Bringing back the dead.

Cerberus crossed a line.

And now it is time to right that wrong.

He closes his eyes and waits for the inevitable, which never seems to come.

 

When it does happen, it comes as a shock.

Not that he didn’t expect it to happen, and not because he was hoping it wouldn’t, but because it seems so strange when it finally happens. He has been waiting for a long time. Days. Weeks. He doesn’t know. He assumes a week has passed since Kiyo and Jack were released. He hopes they made it back to the Normandy okay. He hopes these people kept their word, but they seem sincere enough, and he finds himself trusting them.

They don’t want to hurt anyone. They do this because they must.

He’s not sure what he was expecting to happen. Perhaps for a collector to come and, well, _collect_ him. Instead there is a soft knock at his door before it unlocks and is pushed open. A man – Tom, he thinks is his name – steps in and looks at him with large, apologetic brown eyes, and Shepard knows.

He knows it is time.

He stands and runs a hand through his disheveled, still damp here. He has just gotten out of the shower. He savors every shower he takes, the hot water over sensitive skin and tense muscles, because he knows each one might be his last. And now it is happening. He laces up his boots, pulls on his clean shirt, and walks toward Tom.

“I’m ready,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” Tom replies.

“It’s fine.”

_Let’s just get this over with._

At least, he tells himself, there is no more waiting.

“Turn around,” Tom says.

“I won’t try to escape,” Shepard tells him. He could have left several times by now, if he truly wished to do so, and these people know it.

“It’s an order,” Tom says. “I’m sorry. I was told to…”

Shepard shrugs and turns. Tom’s fingers grab his wrists and pull them behind his back. The chains wrapped around them aren’t unexpected, but they still feel cold against his otherwise warm skin, still hot from the shower. Shepard tests the chains only because it is habit, and not because he intends to escape. He might be able to wriggle free if he really tried to do so; Tom isn’t the best at keeping prisoners. None of these people are, really.

Tom pushes a gun against his spine.

Unnecessary, Shepard thinks, but he doesn’t fight as he’s nudged, told to turn around, and is led out of the room.

The walk down the hallway is short and long at the same time. He passes semi-familiar faces, people who have given him changes of clothing and food, who avoid his eye and look away as he is marched past them. He feels as though he is being led down the hallway on death row, heading toward his execution.

It should bother him.

Instead he smiles, this dizzy, stupid grin he can’t hold back, and then he’s laughing.

Laughing so much he can’t breathe, and he doesn’t even know _why_.

Tom is confused behind him, nudging the barrel of the gun a little deeper into his spine, leaving sparks of pain shooting through his back but it just makes him laugh harder.

It is strange, that this is how it will end.

Fitting, he thinks, since it is how it began.

How this new life began.

How his old one ended.

_“We’ll find you.”_

Kiyo’s words are hollow. They are wrong.

_You won’t, but thanks all the same._

He doesn’t want his crew here for this, anyway. Being tortured, or killed, is one thing. Having it done while his crew watches… Well, he doesn’t like that thought at all. It is oddly sobering, and his laughter stops as suddenly as it began.

His chains are unlocked suddenly. He frowns and spins, the gun now aimed at his chest as he brings his hands around, rubbing at his wrists were cold metal bit into skin. Tom is biting down on his lower lip.

“Go,” Tom says.

“Go?” he repeats.

“I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“I can’t send you to your death. It’s not… right. This… I don’t want to live if this is how we have to earn our safety.”

Shepard frowns, watching the man for a moment. “Are the Collectors here?”

_Or did you just get me out of the room to let me go?_

He feels a little disappointed and he’s not sure why.

Maybe because now he will _have_ to give up and give in. Because fighting would be wrong. Escaping would be wrong. To have this choice… it is wrong. It was easier when he knew he was being led to his death.

This choice, this chance at freedom… it is too much.

“Yes,” Tom says quietly. “In a way.”

“Explain.”

“They didn’t come in a large ship. Only a few have come to claim you.”

That is… promising, Shepard thinks. It means the Collectors won’t see an attack coming. Perhaps they aren’t as smart as they thought they were.

Nevertheless, he can’t fight. He can’t leave. What will that mean for this colony?

“Take me to them,” Shepard says.

Tom’s eyes widen as they shoot back toward his face from where they previously rested on the gun still aimed at his chest. A part of Tom must still want to do this, still want to hand him over, because that aim hasn’t wavered, and his finger hasn’t uncurled from around the trigger.

“Commander…”

“Do it,” Shepard orders.

Tom watches him for a long moment, before he sighs and nods. “Through that door,” he says, gesturing off to the side.

Shepard glances over. “Okay. Thanks.”

“You’re thanking me for handing you over?” Tom asks incredulously.

Shepard shrugs. “I’ve thanked people for worse.”

And then he steps toward the door, opens it, and enters the room.

“WE ARE HARBINGER,” says the solitary collector in the room. Shepard assumes more are nearby, but this is a collector with a familiar glow around it.

_Harbinger. Here for me personally._

And then he’s laughing again.

Laughing because somehow he managed to personally piss of a Reaper.

Laughing and he can’t stop.

“IF I’M FORCED TO KILL YOU, SHEPARD, I WILL.”

“Go for it,” Shepard tells him as his laughter slowly dies down. “But first, tell me: Why? Why are you after me? What makes me so important? I didn’t personally kill Sovereign, you know. I wasn’t even the one fighting him. It. Whatever.”

At the time of Sovereign’s demise, Shepard had been busy dealing with Saren and his new robotic form, after Saren took his own life and came back as that thing. So he never personally even fired a shot at Sovereign, so the Collectors’ obsession with tracking him down is confusing and unwarranted.

The collector – Harbinger – doesn’t respond. Instead it lifts a hand, and there’s a few bugs flying from it. Bits of the warm. The seeker swarm. To immobilize humans.

And as it bites into his skin, and he feels his body go still and rigid, he feels a flash of terror.

Death and torture are one thing.

Feeling a total loss of control is another entirely. It is something he never even considered.

Being frozen like this. Unable to move or do anything.

_Falling all over again._

Harbinger steps closer.

And then he is flung across the room as a shockwave tears through the floor. The force of it knocks Shepard off his frozen feet as well, and he hits the ground like he’s a statue that doesn’t fracture or shatter. He just lays there, still as ever save for his eyes, which he attempts to look around with.

Jack is growling as she fires at Harbinger. There’s chaos in the room.

_“We’ll find you.”_

And they have.

Kiyo appears next to him suddenly, blocking his view of the fight. Worried green eyes blink down at him. A gloved hand cups the side of his face, pressing against skin he can feel but can’t do anything with, and then Kiyo is speaking.

“Sorry to crash the party,” his companion is saying when Shepard tunes into the words, the worried crease of Kiyo’s brow oddly distracting even as the other man speaks. “But it looked like fun. No, not fun. Um. I mean. I’m sorry it took so long but we’re here now, and we’re going to fix this and-”

“ABANDONING THIS VESSEL.”

Harbinger has left.

His crew is here to save him.

He has no way to tell them no. No way to tell them about the missing teens, or the deal this colony made for their own safety, or the fact that by saving him, they are dooming this colony and all those innocent lives.

He has no way to convey any of this.

He can’t even close his eyes.

“Told you we’d find you,” Kiyo says as he lifts Shepard to his feet. He is stronger than he looks, because Shepard knows he is more than dead weight at this moment, frozen into a still form, unable to help in any way, or even sage against the guy. “I told you we would.”

 _Yes,_ he thinks, _but I didn’t want you to…_


	8. Anger [Kiyo's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiyo's angry, then confused, then just... intrigued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! 2 chapters in one day, gasp! I'm still sick so there are probably still mistakes, sooo... Honestly I'm not too sure about this chapter... but oh well xD I'm having fun with Kiyo. Anyway, feedback would be much appreciated!

Chapter 8 – Anger [Kiyo’s POV]

 

_“We’ll find you.”_

It’s what he told Shepard when he and Jack were taken from the room, leaving the commander behind with their captors. He was blindfolded as they left the complex, and sedated at one point. He woke later on the Normandy, and was left to inform the crew of what happened, and that Shepard was in trouble.

From there it took days to locate where Shepard might be, and even longer to figure out how to get in there and figure out what these people were planning. They couldn’t risk getting Shepard killed while they attempted to get him back, after all.

So after a week of searching for him and planning, they finally entered the complex. Shepard was frozen when they found him, bitten by the swarm the glowing collector had with it. He, Jack, Kasumi and Garrus had Mordin’s protection against the swarm as they entered the building, after learning there were Collectors in the area.

They managed to get Shepard out of there quickly enough, and left the colony, returning to the Normandy.

Kiyo didn’t want to leave the commander alone in med bay, but sticking around didn’t seem like a good idea either.

Now he sits alone in the mess, casting glanced toward the med bay doors occasionally, as he stares down at his plate of food. He doesn’t remember how the food got there, because he certainly didn’t get it. He hasn’t had much of an appetite lately, too busy looking for the commander, and remembering the ease with which Shepard agreed to stay captive while Kiyo and Jack were freed.

The anger from then returns and he closes his eyes, taking in a slow breath.

How could Shepard just give up like that? Do what his captors asked?

It’s wrong on so many levels. This man is supposed to in charge of their little suicide mission, and yet he gave in so easily. Why? So Jack and Kiyo would be safe? It makes no sense. He is charge of this crew; his life is more important than individual crew members. Doesn’t he know this by now, after having been Commander for a while?

Kiyo sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. He can ask Shepard questions later; right now he needs to focus on something else, to chase away this anger burning deep in his gut. It’s something he can barely feel but he knows it is there all the same. If he could feel it, his stomach would be aching.

Instead he picks up the sandwich in front of him, and takes a large bite he doesn’t taste. The texture of the food leaves him nearly gagging, because he isn’t hungry. He hasn’t been hungry for a long time now, too busy searching for Shepard, struggling to fulfill his promise of finding him, and hoping the idiot wasn’t dead.

Going into the building, they had no way of knowing if Shepard was dead or alive. If they were too late, if their efforts were wasted… They had no way of knowing.

But he was alive, just frozen.

Chakwas says it will wear off in time, and she is keeping him sedated for the time being. She says he needs the rest anyway, and he has cracked ribs from the initial attack which left them all unconscious. She tends to the wounds and injuries like a mother fretting over her child, and Kiyo smiles as he remembers her bedside manner.

Chakwas has no kids, but he wonders if she thinks of the crew as her children. She seems fond of Shepard and Joker, after all. She is kind to everyone, worrying about them and pestering them until they do as she asks, just like a mother. IN a way she reminds Kiyo of his own mother.

He knows there are knots in his stomach though he can’t feel them. The most he can feel is a vague sense of unease echoing through his body, but it is all mental and not physical. He misses his mom. His misses his old life. But it is gone forever, and no matter how much he might wish for her to hug him even though he could never feel it like he was supposed to, it won’t ever happen again.

He drops what’s left of his sandwich onto the plate and shoves it away, scowling down at it as he pushes to his feet.

A hand lands on his shoulder. The pressure is there. He feels little else. He knows it is a hand only because that is all it could be. He spins toward his sudden company and finds Thane standing there, blinking at him with those dark, wide eyes.

“Your soul is heavy with regret,” Thane says calmly, like they are speaking about the weather.

Kiyo smiles. He likes Thane. He won’t take his angry mood out on the drell. “My soul is fine,” he says. “How are you?”

Thane is sick. Dying, even. There is nothing anyone can do about it, and Thane seems rather content save for something he is hiding, but it will all come to light in due time, Kiyo suspects. The drell seems happy enough to be serving with them in what might be his final days.

“I am well,” Thane tells him. “How is the commander?”

Kiyo shrugs. “Fine, I guess,” he says, because he doesn’t know for sure. He just knows Chakwas is sure he will be okay, and he left the two alone in med bay.

“I am pleased to hear it,” Thane says. “Shepard is a good man.”

Kiyo dips his head in a silent nod. He fights back the anger hiding under the surface. He is angry, but not at Thane. Not at anyone, really. Except maybe Shepard, but mostly he is angry with himself.

Shepard brought him and Jack as back-up. Shepard is the commander; they are supposed to keep him safe because he is the one who is important. Even at C-Sec you kept your superiors safe. It is basic training. And yet he has failed. He slipped up and got them all captured, and nearly let Shepard get handed over to the Collectors in the process.

And he is angry with Shepard because _why would you give up like that you idiot…_

Shepard is a man he doubts he will ever understand. It frustrates him just thinking about it, and the anger returns.

Thane seems to notice. “I will leave you to your half-eaten food,” he says easily. “I wish you a good day.”

“You as well,” Kiyo says to the drell.

Thane nods and walks away, disappearing around the corner leading toward the life support room, where he has been staying. Kiyo watches him go, and then looks back toward the med bay doors. A part of him wants to check on progress; another wants to leave.

He turns on his heel and heads toward the elevator.

 

Days pass. Shepard wakes, slips away to his cabin, and remains there for a long time. Days. He hasn’t come out since he woke up, not even to check on the crew. Kiyo knows something is amiss but he can’t bring himself to travel up there and ask.

Shepard was avoiding him, after all. Before they went to Eexor, he was avoiding Kiyo. Perhaps a part of Kiyo is still bitter about that, but bitter is something he doesn’t really feel. It is this burning in his gut he knows is there but can’t feel, so why bother being bitter? Emotions are feelings. Mental, but still _feelings_. Something one must _feel_. And he feels nothing.

He tries.

He knows the basics; happiness, anger, etc.

He can understand them in himself. He can laugh and joke and cry.

But it is like watching it from a distance, an out-of-body experience. His body knows when it is time to cry. Perhaps his mind does, too, and it will happen. But it is like he is detached, like it’s not really him that is doing these things. Like it’s not really him that is laughing.

It has never bothered him much before. He is used to it, after all. Used to feeling detached from himself, from every little thing he feels or doesn’t feel, everything he knows is there only because he can see it, or recognize it, but can’t feel it or ever hope to feel it. He is damaged, and broken, and he knows he is… unnatural.

This is usually okay. He doesn’t mind, because he has never known anything different.

Lately it has been bothering him. Lately it has become noticeable to him.

When searching for Shepard, he felt… something, he thinks. Perhaps he only thinks he did, because he _should_ feel something, but if his stomach was knots, he couldn’t feel it. If he thought his mind in circles while attempting to fulfill his promise, he couldn’t feel it.

He knows he is angry.

Maybe that is enough for now.

_Who am I kidding…_

He can feel, and he doesn’t feel. It is this push and pull of thoughts and feelings and sensations. Heaviness in his limbs he knows weighs him down even if he can’t feel it. It’s this thing in the back of his mind, always there but seldom realized.

He hasn’t felt like this in a long time.

And it makes him even angrier, because it’s all Shepard’s fault.

 

Seeing Shepard in the mess is unexpected. Kiyo stands there for a moment, simply watching as the commander converses with Garrus. Shepard seems frustrated while Garrus does the turian equivalent of a frown. Garrus puts a hand on the commander’s shoulder, says something quietly, and Shepard’s head bows, his hands curling into fists at his sides.

And then he spins away from the turian and walks away, gaze lifting to momentarily glance at Kiyo. Kiyo looks away, and when he looks back up, the commander is gone. He wants to ask Garrus what happened, what they spoke about, but instead he walks toward the cooking area and gets a bowl of stew from the cook.

Hunger is something he doesn’t feel, but every so often he will remember to eat. It is routine, habit, something easily remembered even if he has no desire to do so.

He eats quickly, alone at a table, and then heads toward the elevator to head up to the armory.

He needs to check on his new armor, since he never got his back from their captors.

The door to life support is open. He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop, but when he hears Shepard’s voice he stops on his way to the elevator, and just sands there, outside of the room, listening.

“It is not your fault,” Thane is saying to the commander.

Shepard releases this irritated grunt. “They wanted to hand me over so they would be _safe_ ,” he tells the drell, like Thane doesn’t understand what he is saying. “It’s not like they’re evil. By coming to get me… Those people are in trouble now.”

“And you blame yourself?”

“I… don’t know. I tried to stay. They offered to let me go; I refused.”

Kiyo isn’t aware he is growling until the conversation halts in Thane’s room. He isn’t aware he is stomping into the room until his narrowed eyes latch onto Shepard. Shepard looks shocked to see him, before a veil closes over his face and he’s once again not quite looking him in the eye. Guarded, closed, cold. Avoiding him.

_Oh, fuck you, commander._

“A word, Commander,” he says sharply, and then spins on his heel and leaves the room, not waiting for a response. He is angry; he can feel his heart racing. He registers the fact his nails are biting into his skin only because he feel the bit of pressure, but not the pain.

He heads toward the crew quarters, anger chewing at the fringes of his mind. There are two people sitting in the crew quarters, but they scurry out of there after he tosses them both a nasty glare. Footsteps approach behind him and he knows Shepard has done as he asked, and followed after him. They are alone in the crew quarters, the door closing behind Shepard as silence slips over them like an itchy, unwanted blanket.

Kiyo stands rigid for a long time. He’s not sure how long; all he knows is he so _pissed_.

“Is it true?” he finally asks, voice nothing but a growl.

“Is what true?” Shepard asks evasively, and this just leaves him angrier.

He spins to face the commander, eyes narrowed into thin slits as a growl slips free of his throat. Shepard stands there like he doesn’t know why Kiyo’s angry; his gaze is shielded, shuttered, guarded. Not quite looking him in the eye, still avoiding him, and he doesn’t know what he did wrong. He doesn’t even know why this _matters_ , but somehow it does.

Shepard has always been, since he’s known him, a tightly wound ball of emotion. A part of Kiyo is fascinated by the eccentricities of this very thing; he can’t feel them as easily, so seeing them present in someone else is intriguing. He can’t help but latch onto it, and Shepard is nothing if not emotional, though he does seem to hide it a lot. It’s always there, though, in his eyes and body language.

It is strangely absent right now.

His gaze is flat. His body tense.

And Kiyo’s not even sure why this bothers him.

“You _know_ what,” he snaps. “Were you offered a chance to leave, and you _refused_?”

Shepard opens his mouth, then snaps it closed again, shifting his head away from Kiyo, gaze focused on the wall off to the side. Kiyo takes a step forward.

“Look at me, dammit,” he growls.

“Is that all, Montoya?”

“Is that…? Fuck you! What did I do wrong?”

Shepard stills, then, frowning as he looks back at Kiyo. His expression is still guarded, but no longer so flat. Kiyo hopes it’s progress, though he’s not sure why.

“Wrong?” Shepard echoes.

“ _Yes_. You’ve been avoiding me. And _don’t_ say you haven’t, because you have. You’re angry. Why? What did I do?”

“It’s nothing you did,” Shepard says.

“So something _is_ wrong?”

Shepard snaps his mouth shut, narrowing his eyes at him.

Kiyo watches him for a moment. “Did you or did you not refuse to leave when given the chance?”

“I refused,” Shepard says. “I wanted to stay.”

“ _Why_?” The word slips out of his mouth with this fractured tone of voice he hardly recognizes as his own. It seems to surprise himself as much as it does Shepard.

“They were forced to capture me,” Shepard says quietly, gaze sliding away from Kiyo to focus instead on the floor, suddenly finding his boots very interesting. “The Collectors kidnapped a few teens. The teens were really missing. And the Collectors offered to let that colony be the only colony not abducted, if they turned me in. I was their chance at safety. And you took me away.”

_“You took me away.”_

“So it’s _my_ fault?” Kiyo can’t help but ask, staring at the commander as all of this slips into his mind.

“I don’t blame you,” Shepard says. “I had no way of telling you, so you had no way of knowing. I don’t blame any of you. It’s just… They shouldn’t have been involved in the first place. It’s me the Collectors want, though I don’t know _why_.”

Kiyo watches him for a long moment, but can’t sense any deception, so he shrugs. “We’ll stop the Collectors,” he says, “and then all the colonies will be safe.”

“Yeah,” Shepard says blandly, “we’ll stop them.”

“You don’t believe we will?” he asks, eyebrows rising.

If anyone should believe in them, it should be Shepard, right? He’s the one leading them into battle, after all.

Shepard is silent for a long time. Kiyo says nothing, allowing him this chance to think. If Shepard didn’t wish to discuss it further, he could walk away, but instead he stays there, so obviously he wants to talk but can’t find the words. Kiyo waits patiently, the anger from earlier dispersing at this lost expression which finally crosses Shepard’s face, the commander’s shoulders drooping.

“Between you and me,” he says quietly, “this is a suicide mission.”

“I’m aware,” Kiyo tells him quietly.

“If we can make it through the Omega 4 Relay… that will be a miracle.”

“I know.”

Everyone knows this. They know their chances of survival are slim.

“So if we make it through there… we’ll have a hell of a fight on our hands. We’ll be vastly outnumbered and outgunned. If by sheer luck we stop the Collectors… the Reapers are still coming.”

The last words are spoken in a mere whisper, so quietly Kiyo isn’t sure he’s heard correctly until Shepard sighs dejectedly, shoulders slumping further, his gaze still focused downward.

It shouldn’t bother him. It shouldn’t bother Kiyo to see that expression on the commander’s face, because he’s seen that look before. On several other people, when the situation is hopeless and dire. It is the look of desperation, of failure and insecurity. Shepard doubts their ability to win, in the long run. Knowing the facts, Kiyo has doubts as well, but seeing that dejected, lost expression…

“Stop staring at my boots,” he says finally. “You’re giving them a complex.”

Shepard drags in a shaky breath and looks away from his boots, gaze traveling up the length of Kiyo’s body until their eyes finally meet again. And Shepard is clearly looking him in the eye now; there is no avoidance, no guarded expression, and Kiyo smiles.

“I don’t know about you,” he says, “but I need a drink. Or six.”

The smile which lifts Shepard’s lips upwards is hesitant, barely there, but visible all the same. “I have some Serrice Ice Brandy in my quarters.”

Kiyo grins. “Then by all means, lead the way, Mal.”

Shepard falters, then. It is subtle, but there nevertheless. He blinks very slowly, takes a hesitant step back, and then offers another smile.

“Let’s go, then, Kiyo.”

They leave the crew quarters in silence. The elevator ride up to deck one is silent as well, the only sound that of the doors sliding open once they reach their destination.

Shepard opens the door to his cabin and the two enter. The empty fish tank has never looked so out of place.

Shepard digs around on his desk until he pulls out the bottle of brandy, and he looks around for glasses. Kiyo finds the glasses first and nods toward the small table near the bed, and the two sit at it. Shepard pours brandy into each glass, and the two down the first drink without saying a word.

The second is downed quickly, too.

The third, they wait a moment.

“Are you… angry with us for saving you?” Kiyo can’t help but ask, even as he looks down into the dark liquid filling his glass, watching it as it swirls around as he shakes it.

“No,” Shepard replies with a heavy sigh. “Not really. I appreciate what you did. I just wish I could help them.”

“We’ll help them,” Kiyo promises. “We’ll help them and everyone else by stopping the Collectors. Even if we die trying.”

Shepard laughs quietly, this rough, hesitant sound, but it’s a laugh nevertheless and Kiyo looks away from the glass to instead look at his companion. Shepard is watching him, gaze focused solely on him, and for the first time in a long time, Kiyo _knows_ there’s a knot in his stomach.

And not the ‘oh god we’re gonna die’ kind, either.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard says quietly.

Kiyo frowns. “Sorry?” he repeats. “What for?”

“Avoiding you,” Shepard replies easily. “It was wrong of me. I apologize. You didn’t deserve it.”

“So you _were_ avoiding me.”

Somehow, getting Shepard to admit it doesn’t seem like a victory.

“Why were you avoiding me?” Kiyo asks. “If it wasn’t my fault.”

Shepard looks away, running hand through his hair before rubbing that hand down the back of his neck somewhat _nervously_. It is something Kiyo hasn’t seen him do before, and it is intriguing.

“Don’t laugh.”

Kiyo smirks. “I would never. Just tell me. Why were you avoiding me?”

Shepard sighs heavily. “I had a dream.”

“A… dream,” Kiyo repeats, like the word is foreign. It feels strange on his lips. “Are you serious? You avoided me because of a _dream_?”

“A dream about you.”

Kiyo snaps his mouth shut there, staring at the commander, whose gaze is focused down on the remaining brandy in his glass as he swirls it around much as Kiyo did earlier. Kiyo, meanwhile, struggles to comprehend what he just heard.

“A dream about me,” he says. “Okay. What kind of dream?”

What kind of dream would leave Shepard avoiding him?

“You _know_ what kind,” Shepard mutters.

“I know what… _oh_ ,” he says as he finally gets it, and now he can’t help but smile as he sees the nervous expression on Shepard’s face, the way he focuses a little too intently on the drink in his hand. “ _That_ kind of dream. Okay. So you like me, then, Commander? You want my body?”

“I _told_ you not to laugh,” Shepard sighs.

“I’m not laughing,” Kiyo says, grinning. “I’m just curious. Was I awesome in the dream, at least? What happened in it? I was amazing, right?”

“You’re enjoying this.”

“Immensely so, yes. I didn’t know you liked me.”

“I _don’t_.”

“Uh huh. So I just stopped by for a friendly chat in your dream, then?”

Shepard runs his free hand across his face. “You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”

“Absolutely not,” Kiyo says. “What kind of friend would I be then?”

“The best?” Shepard tries.

“Nope. I’m going to lord this over you for a little longer.”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t,” Kiyo all but sings. “You _like_ me.”

He stops there, as it hits him, really hits him.

Shepard likes him. Shepard had a _dream_ about him, which led to him avoiding Kiyo. Shepard was in a relationship with Kaidan Alenko, before the destruction of the first Normandy. He clearly goes for guys. And now he’s had a dream about Kiyo. Nothing more than a dream, of course, but it gives Kiyo pause.

And now he’s looking the commander over like it’s the first time he’s seen him.

And he smiles.

“You know,” he says conversationally, “I wouldn’t mind having a similar dream.”

Shepard moves his hand from his face, blue eyes scanning him over curiously. “Oh?” he asks, the word slipping from semi-lax lips as he frowns in confusion.

Kiyo smirks. “Well, you _are_ handsome.”

Shepard blinks. “I’m _what_?”

“You heard me; I won’t repeat myself for your ego.”

“My _ego_?” Shepard splutters, staring at him.

Kiyo nods. “Yes. We’re two grown men; I think we can admit to liking each other.”

“You like me,” Shepard repeats, still staring at him.

“I’ve got a thing for big blue eyes,” Kiyo says with a lazy roll of his shoulders, a slow shrug. “Sue me.”

“You’re joking.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Don’t.”

Kiyo laughs. “So you can dream about me but I can’t dream about dreaming about you?”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It does.”

Shepard smirks. “You’re not angry with me, then.”

“Why would I be?” Kiyo asks, frowning in confusion. Why would Shepard think he’d be angry with him?

“I don’t know. I just thought you would.”

“Is that why you avoided me?”

“No,” Shepard sighs. “I ‘avoided’ you because I thought it would pass.”

“What would pass?”

“The dream.”

Kiyo blinks. “Oh.” He takes a slow breath. “I’m guessing it didn’t, then.”

It’s a statement, not a question, so Shepard shrugs and finishes off the brandy in his glass before pouring more.

“So you really like me, then,” Kiyo says quietly, watching him.

“I’m physically attracted to you, yes,” Shepard replies easily.

“And mentally?”

He’s not sure why he asked. He’s not sure why his tongue suddenly feels heavy, stuck to the roof of his mouth.

It is a new feeling. He doesn’t know what to do with this information.

He doesn’t know what to do with that weight in his mouth.

“Well, your personality is… interesting,” Shepard says.

“Interesting,” Kiyo repeats slowly. “How so?”

Shepard shrugs. “It just is.”

“Is that good?”

“Well, it’s not bad.”

Kiyo stares at him for a long moment, and then laughs, shaking his head he finishes off his own glass of brandy. Shepard refills it for him, and the two lapse back into this comfortable silence Kiyo hadn’t even been aware he missed until now.

And now that he’s thought about it… looked at Shepard in that light…

He can’t stop thinking about it.


	9. The Stress of Ignoring [Shepard's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is under a lot of stress; his scars aren't happy with this fact. Neither is Kiyo. Or maybe he's angry about being avoided again. Either way, no one is very happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very tired when I wrote this... I'm still tired now... So I apologize if it is ramble-y, or odd, or filled with mistakes.

Chapter 9 – The Stress of Ignoring [Shepard’s POV]

 

 _Pragia_.

Shepard’s not sure what he was expecting to find here, but this abandoned facility is certainly less than… well, just _less than_. He knows it is abandoned; Jack has told him as much, and she wishes to blow the entire place to smithereens as a form of closure for her. On the way there she notes that maybe this is a bad idea; Shepard says this was her idea, it will be okay, and they will get through this. She nods and they continue in the shuttle until they land and exit.

Getting through the cold, dark, empty facility is easy enough, since it seems only varren now inhabit the place, but eventually it gets worse. He gets this eerie feeling just walking through it; he can’t imagine how it felt for Jack, growing up here with all those unspeakable acts done to her against her will. He can understand her hatred of this place.

Things go smoothly at first, until they run into trouble. Mercs are here; a fight begins. Soon it is over, and they move on, further into the facility, and find themselves in Jack’s old room. Jack mentions she feels like this dangerous bitch, but also that she feels like a scared little girl again. Shepard knows this is hard for her, but he stays silent and lets her vent. She walks around her old room, mentioning how she hid under her desk, and cried herself to sleep, and banged on the window where other kids always ignored her.

Eventually she is ready to leave, but a man enters. He was trapped her once, too, except his outlook is different from Jack’s. He wishes to restart this facility; he says their guards must have done this for a reason. Jack gets angry, but doesn’t kill the man, for which Shepard is grateful. He doesn’t need more blood on his hands, even if it would be Jack who kills him. They tell the man to flee, because they are going to blow the facility to bits, and he does so.

Then Shepard, Jack, and Garrus travel back to the shuttle after the bomb is placed. He left Kiyo behind today, though the ex-operative wanted to come. Kiyo sympathized with Jack; he wanted to help her, and he hated being stuck on the Normandy while they went on ground missions. Nevertheless Shepard left him behind for this trip.

Things weren’t exactly _awkward_ since he told Kiyo about his dream, but they weren’t perfect, either. There is this unspoken _something_ between them and he doesn’t know what to make of it. He hopes space will allow him the clarity he seeks, but somehow, he doubts it. Nevertheless he put some distance between him and Kiyo.

He feels… strange, around Kiyo, ever since his dream.

He can still remember their mouths connecting in his dream. His mind flickers back toward when he and Kaidan first got together. He dreamed of Kaidan then, too. But Shepard is damaged, changed, different. He’s not the same man he was then. Even Kaidan sensed it, turned his back on him.

Shepard isn’t stupid. He knows this has been hard on Kaidan. Two years is a long time for him to be gone. Kaidan has obviously moved on; he knows this, accepts this. Everyone mourns differently. He doesn’t blame Kaidan for that. Maybe he doesn’t blame Kaidan for anything.

He’s just hurt that Kaidan doesn’t trust him anymore.

He’s hurt because _no one_ seems to trust him anymore, not fully.

Garrus hardly speaks to him these days. He always has something to calibrate in the main battery. Tali is with her people; Shepard assumes she would have doubts if she was with them, as well. Joker seems pleasant enough, but he always hid everything behind a laugh and a smile, so Shepard isn’t quite sure what to think. He wants to say Joker trusts him, an unexpected friend because in the past, he was a little harsh on the guy sometimes, when tensions were high. Joker always tries to joke about everything, especially when everything is tense; sometimes, Shepard was too angry to appreciate the attempt at humor, and he snapped at the pilot. And yet Joker is still here, was the first to greet him after his ‘awakening’.

Maybe Joker trusts him. Chakwas seems to trust him; she drank with him, after all. Except she’s always keeping an eye on him, checking him after every mission. She says it is to look for damage to his cybernetics; he thinks it’s because she, too, is wary. Worried he has changed, doubtful that he was brought back as the same man who went after Saren and Sovereign.

He doubts himself as well, and if _he_ doubts himself, how can he expect anyone else to trust him? He can’t, because he can’t trust himself. He wouldn’t know if there was a control chip in his mind, because he wouldn’t know otherwise. The chip would make sure of this. So he might be a puppet like Kaidan said. He might be being controlled by the Illusive Man, doing his dirty work for him.

He tries not to let this bother him.

Even so his mind wanders back toward Kiyo. Kiyo doesn’t seem to doubt him, but Kiyo doesn’t really know him. None of the new people on this crew really know him. They have heard stories and newsfeeds, but they don’t _know him_. Until he joined the Normandy SR-2, he never saw any of them before. So maybe they don’t count.

Even so… he can’t ignore the fact he feels a little more at ease when Kiyo is near.

That’s why they need time apart, he tells himself. Even if Kiyo was telling the truth, and he _does_ like Shepard, it can’t mean anything. Shepard is different; he’s _unnatural_. He’s wrong and changed and he doesn’t trust himself. Getting attached to someone – _liking_ someone – is not something he needs right now.

He needs to focus on building his team and launching this suicide mission.

If by some miracle they live through this… then maybe he can give this _whatever it is_ between them a second look.

But for now…

He nods at Jack.

She pushes the button held in her hands.

The facility on Pragia explodes.

 

He’s not avoiding Kiyo, exactly, but he’s not seeking him out, either. In fact, most of the time he stays in his cabin, going over reports and messages, people asking for help and people thanking him for those he has helped. Life is too busy right now, to deal with anything – and anyone – else.

There is pain behind his eyes. He rubs his index finger and thumb into his closed eyelids, wincing as the pain grows. He doesn’t usually get migraines, but he’s seen Kaidan with them enough times that he understands how to deal with them. He turns off the lights in his room and lays down on his bed, burying his face into his pillows.

His face burns. Even in the darkness there is a faint red glow coming from his markings. Sometimes he is able to forget they are there; then there are times like this, when it is impossible to forget. It is why he finds it hard to sleep when the lights are off; they become more noticeable then. It is why he can’t look at himself in the mirror after he showers, or when he’s brushing his teeth.

Seeing the marks reminds him how _changed_ he is now. Perhaps it is best he is reminded, so he doesn’t expect everyone to behave as they would have two years ago. If he has to keep seeing the scars, he can adjust to the fact he’s two years in the future even though it feels like he is only less than two months into the future.

He scrubs a hand across his face, wincing as the pain intensifies.

After roughly a half hour of lying there in the dark, there is a knock at his door. He attempts to ignore it; if he doesn’t answer it, hopefully they will assume he is asleep and will leave him be. If it is urgent, Joker would be contacting him via intercom, so he doesn’t have to worry about missing something important.

The knocking continues, however.

With a sigh, Shepard climbs out of bed and walks toward the door. He opens it and scowls when he sees Kiyo standing there, despite the way a lump appears in his throat.

Kiyo looks angry, eyes narrowed, his arms folded across his chest. “You’re avoiding me again,” he says evenly.

“I’m not,” Shepard says, wincing as the pain grows behind his eyes.

Kiyo frowns. “Did I wake you?”

“Not really. Was there something you need?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face but that just makes the scars ache a little more, makes his head hurt more as well.

“Your scars hurting?” Kiyo guesses, watching him.

“They’re irritated,” Shepard says. “It’ll stop in a little bit. Is there something you need, Kiyo?”

Kiyo shrugs. “Just wanted to see why you’re avoiding me _again_.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Twice.”

“What?” he asks, frowning.

“I’ve seen you _twice_ in the past three days.”

Shepard closes his eyes. He knows Kiyo is right. “Okay,” he murmurs, “so I might have been avoiding you. So what?”

“ _So what_?” Kiyo repeats, and Shepard opens his eyes to find the blonde glaring at him. “You’re a bit of an asshole, Shepard.”

“Excuse me?” he asks, staring at him.

_Did he just call me an asshole?_

“You say you like me, that you _dreamed_ about me,” Kiyo says calmly, watching him with that narrowed look, “and then you _avoid_ me. A guy could get the impression he’s not liked.”

“Kiyo.”

Now is definitely not the time for this.

The pain behind his eyes grows.

“Can we do this later?” he asks.

“Why? So you can keep avoiding me? No. We need to talk.”

“Kiyo-”

Kiyo holds up a hand, halting his words. “But _first_ ,” he says, “you are going to see Chakwas. I don’t think your scars should be aching, or glowing like that. They were better earlier; what happened? Did something happen on Pragia?”

_They were better earlier?_

Shepard wouldn’t know; he doesn’t really look at them and tries to forget they exist. And they are glowing?

Well… he does notice them glowing a bit in the dark, so…

Kiyo grabs his wrist. “Chakwas,” he says again, dragging him out of the room before he can protest.

Then they are stuck in the elevator together, and Shepard looks down at the ground, feeling trapped. Not just because he can’t go anywhere while the elevator is moving, but because Kiyo is _still_ watching him. He doesn’t know what Kiyo wants him to say. What he expects to happen.

Nevertheless he lets himself be dragged to med bay. The lights are too bright and he winces. Chakwas turns the lights down and runs her omni-tool over him.

“It’s like I said before,” she tells him, frowning sympathetically. “They react to your stress levels.”

“So he’s stressed? That’s why he’s all… glowy?” Kiyo asks somewhat incredulously.

“Well,” Shepard sighs, “when you put it like _that_ …”

“Nice to see you still have a sense of humor,” Kiyo says, smirking at him.

“If you get enough rest and stop stressing over everything, the scars should heal on their own,” Dr. Chakwas says, dragging their attention back to her.

“Alright,” Kiyo says. “No more stress for you, Mal.”

Shepard wants to argue – _it’s not your responsibility, dammit, I don’t need your help_ – but stops at the name. Mal. It still leaves him fighting back a smile, and so he simply nods while Chakwas gives him something for the headache.

Afterward they leave the med bay and he glances at Kiyo.

“I know you want to talk,” he says, “but right now I want to sleep.”

He doesn’t sleep often; right now, that’s exactly what he wants to do.

Kiyo frowns at him for a moment, before he sighs heavily. “Okay,” he says with a nod. “Yeah, you need rest. We’ll talk later. But we _will_ talk, and you better stop avoiding me.”

Shepard shrugs. “It’s not like I can get away with it,” he mutters as he heads for the elevator.

“I heard that,” Kiyo says.

“I should go.”

 

_2175 Aeia._

Shepard glances at Jacob, who is rather tense on the shuttle ride down to the planet. It is understandable, of course; they are here for Jacob’s father. Jacob’s father’s ship went missing a decade ago; only recently has the distress beacon gone off, giving away the location. Jacob long ago mourned his father, and now he is has to face this situation. He has a lot of questions, and Shepard has no answers for him. Not yet, anyway. He intends to help Jacob, though.

Jacob seems like a nice enough guy, and he’s always been willing to give Shepard the benefit of a doubt. In another lifetime, the two could become great friends. Shepard enjoys Jacob’s company, but Jacob is still loyal to Cerberus, as is Miranda, and Shepard wants as little to do with Cerberus as possible, even though he is working for them right now. It is complicated; attempting to explain it to anyone leaves him being glared at.

By Kaidan. Anderson. The Council.

No one cares that he’s trying to help. They see only Cerberus.

“Nice planet,” Kiyo comments when the shuttle doors open as they land.

Kiyo insisted on coming on this ground mission, and since he had no real reason to leave him behind except to put space between them, he said yes and let Kiyo come with them.

They step out of the shuttle and look around.

Jacob speaks a bit about his father. He sounds as though he’s angry, but also hopeful. He mourned his dad long ago; now his father might actually still be alive. His continued existence raises questions, though. Why wait a decade before using the beacon to summon help? It makes no sense.

Shepard suspects foul play. Something bad has happened here, but he keeps his thoughts to himself for the time being. He won’t worry Jacob about it until he has to. He might even be wrong; he hopes he is.

The more they travel through here, though, the more he fears his suspicions are correct, and Jacob’s father has become corrupted. The people they meet here, the surviving members of what’s left of the crew, are strange. The women speak differently; they no longer have certain words or the memory of how to speak them, but their intentions are clear. Something terrible happened here, and they just want to go home.

The men seem violent, attacking them on sight.

They discover that when the crew was crashed here, the captain was killed and Jacob’s father was instated as acting captain. The food grown here decayed the minds of whoever ate it, and it was decided that most of the crew would be forced to eat the food while the officers were allowed to eat what provisions remained of the ship’s food. This eventually dwindled down until the officers had to eat the food too, or they were classified as ‘dead’ or ‘missing’, according to logs they are allowed to see.

None of this settles right in his stomach and Jacob looks just as angry as he does confused. He says his father wasn’t like this; he can’t believe he would do something like this. He says now that his father has had his fun and is in danger, he has set off the beacon to leave, while the rest of his crew have suffered the decay and have been forced to take extreme measures, like the men who wish to attack Jacob’s father.

Jacob’s father asks for their help; he says the ‘crew’ have put him in a special place like a form of appraisal; it’s like they worship him. This, of course, is a lie, but they listen to the lies as they fight their way to Jacob. Jacob’s machines and everything block their path; he says he can’t change the defense systems so they will have to fight through them, and it seems he also still has some men under his control, and they have to fight them as well. He is throwing people away.

By the time they reach Jacob’s father, Shepard is beyond angry. There has been a lot of careless waste of life on this planet, and Jacob’s father has allowed it to happen for a decade. He could have set off the beacon when the beacon was ready, a decade ago. Instead…

But it is not his place to say anything. Not yet. Because this is still Jacob’s father, and Jacob is just as angry, if not more so at the betrayal he feels. So Shepard says he is sure Jacob’s father knows Jacob, and then Jacob’s father is explaining how difficult it has been on this planet, and how he had to make choices he wasn’t ready to make, and how it changed him.

Jacob is having none of this.

Kiyo holds the men – who are approaching to tear into Jacob’s father – at gun point, keeping them back while Jacob and Shepard decide what to do with Acting Captain Taylor. They decide to turn him over to the Alliance; he will be prosecuted and justice will be served, and the people here will get help.

They leave with more questions than when they arrived, and Jacob stews in his anger on the ride back to the Normandy.

 

After speaking with Jacob after their return, Shepard feels another headache coming on. Not wishing to deal with it right now, he heads to med bay to get something for the pain before it can really begin. He knows it is again stress related; it has been a long, stressful day dealing with Jacob’s father.

He gets the medicine, which he is told should kick in within ten minutes, and leaves to head up to his cabin to lay down until he is needed again. The side effect of these meds is that they can knock him out quite easily. He knows Chakwas could give him a different kind so he doesn’t sleep, but he isn’t arguing right now as he’s already tired, and sleep – a deep sleep, and not the few hours he catches here and there, always interrupted either by nightmares or his crew needing something – sounds wonderful.

He isn’t expecting Kiyo to be waiting for him outside of his cabin as he arrives on deck one. He spares Kiyo a quick glance as he enters his cabin, and the blonde follows after him.

“You’re all glowy again.”

Shepard sighs. “It’s been a long day; I’ve already been to see Chakwas, so you can give it a rest.”

He hears more than sees Kiyo shrug, his jacket rustling as he does so. “How are you, then?”

“I’ll be asleep in…” He checks the clock near the bed. “About eight minutes.”

“Just enough time to talk, then,” Kiyo says semi-cheerfully as he sits in his usual spot at the small table. Shepard eyes him briefly, wondering if he can get away with telling him to leave, but that seems rather rude, and he did say he would discuss things later.

So he shrugs and sits in his usual spot as well.

“Speak, then,” he tells the ex-operative.

Kiyo’s expression sobers quickly, the smile slipping away, eyes no longer twinkling. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’ve clearly not been-” he tries.

Kiyo snorts. “You _have_. Ever since you told me about the dream. Why? Are you ashamed?”

“Kiyo.”

“Look, I’m just trying to understand.” Kiyo runs a hand through his hair, mussing it up even more as he lightly tugs at a few strands. “You’re kind of frustrating sometimes, you know that? I don’t know… I don’t know where I stand with you, and that’s… different. People are usually easy to read.”

“So I’m a closed book?” he asks, feeling oddly satisfied with this. It’s good to have secrets.

“You’re _frustrating_ ,” Kiyo repeats, tossing him a quick glare. “You say you like me, and then you avoid me. I need to know where we stand.”

“We’re friends,” Shepard says.

Kiyo relaxes slightly. “Oh, good. I was… That’s good. So we are ignoring the dream, then? And our talk a few days ago?”

Shepard runs a hand across his face. He can feel the meds kicking in; his mind is becoming increasingly more cloudy. This conversation will be over soon, thankfully, whether Kiyo likes it or not.

“I think that’s best,” he says calmly.

Kiyo frowns. “You think that’s _best_. Right. So we’re ignoring the fact you like me, and I said I like you.”

_He’s not going to make this easy._

Somehow, Shepard is almost happy for the fight. He’s not sure why. Kaidan never would have fought against ignoring whatever it is between them. The fact Kiyo is arguing about it is almost reassuring.

Nevertheless, he has chosen the worst time to do so.

Shepard is not himself. They have a suicide mission they must go on. There isn’t time for this. They all need to be focused. Maybe after… if they still feel the same. If they are both still alive. If Shepard is _himself_ …

“Well?”

Shepard blinks, realizing he’s been quiet for too long. When he opens his eyes everything is blurry. The meds are really beginning to kick in now.

“Sorry,” he says. “What were you saying?”

Kiyo watches him for a moment. “I still have three minutes,” he says finally. “Clear your mind. Talk to me.”

After a few slow blinks, Shepard nods, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. “Right. Sorry. You were saying?”

“Do you really want to ignore what happened?”

“Don’t you?” he counters.

Kiyo can’t seriously want…

_No. It doesn’t matter._

He hates feeling like this. He once felt this way with Kaidan, except it was… different, then. They only got together in the end because going to Ilos was basically a suicide mission itself, going after Saren and Sovereign and everything. And now… Well, now it is another suicide mission. Perhaps it is the same after all.

“I think you’re lying,” Kiyo tells him, leaning back in his seat, folding his arms across his chest. “You don’t want to ignore it.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

“And how would you know?”

It’s not like Kiyo knows him. It’s not like _anyone_ knows him, not anymore, because he doesn’t even know himself. Thinking about this leaves that knot in his stomach doubling, though, and leaves his head aching more which is oddly sobering, chasing the fuzziness in his mind away ever-so-slightly.

“Because you let me in here,” Kiyo says confidently. “You could have told me to leave. You could have shut the door in my face. But you didn’t.”

“So that means I don’t want to ignore it?”

Kiyo comes to the strangest conclusions.

“Some part of you doesn’t want to. What are you afraid of?”

“What are you suggesting?” Shepard mutters, not sure if he likes Kiyo’s tone.

He’s the commander here, after all.

He frowns. What was he saying? He focuses on Kiyo’s mouth, attempting to read the words if his fuzzy mind doesn’t want to hear them, but it is getting increasingly hard to focus. What were they talking about, again?

“Are you listening to me?”

“Trying to,” he says with a sleepy smile, blinking slowly. “What…?”

Kiyo sighs, dragging a hand across his face. “Right, you’re tired. Answer me honestly, then: Do you still like me?”

“Yes,” he says simply, and then scowls because somehow that’s not what he wanted to say. He just can’t find the words right now. Why was he avoiding this?

Kiyo smirks. He has a nice smile, like Kaidan. Except he smiles more. “And you agree with me?”

“About what?”

“Just yes or no.”

Does he agree with Kiyo? He doesn’t even know what Kiyo said to force this question on him in the first place. He’s too tired to care right now, though, and he can feel his head dipping downward, sleep clouding his mind. The sooner he answers, the sooner he can sleep.

“Yes,” he sighs through a yawn.

“You agree.”

“Yes.”

Kiyo _grins_. “Time for bed, Mal.”

 _Mal_.

A goofy smile crosses his face. It feels odd and out of place, which leaves him chuckling even as Kiyo’s hand closes over his arm, dragging him to his feet. He staggers toward the bed and collapses heavily on it. Kiyo slips off his boots and they drop to the floor with a heavy thud. Then covers are being pulled up the length of his body, and the lights are being turned off.

Sleep consumes his mind almost instantly.


	10. Baby Steps [Kiyo's POV]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kiyo have a heart-to-heart. Legion joins the crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay! I know! It's been over a year and everything. Where has the time gone? I'm so sorry. I got out of Mass Effect for a while, and it took a while to play through the games again... and I am so sorry. I re-read this story a while ago and started slowly adding to this chapter, and now here it is. I will try to be more consistent in the future, I promise! Anyway, thanks for the kudos and everything. If you're still reading this, great. If not... oh well ;) I'm sorry for the delay! But here is the chapter, finally :)

Chapter 10 – Baby Steps [Kiyo’s POV]

 

_What am I doing…_

In truth, he’s not sure what he’s doing, or why he is doing this, or behaving like this. Ever since he learned Shepard liked him, he’s not sure what to do with himself and can’t stop thinking about this fact, or the fact he likes Shepard as well. He never looked at him in that light until Shepard mentioned the dream, and he got to thinking. Now he can’t get it out of his head. It’s going to frustrate him until he does something about it. Except he’s not sure what he should do. Shepard said to ignore it.

Perhaps that is best.

They have enough to worry about, and clearly Shepard regrets telling him. Perhaps ignoring it is best, except a part of Kiyo isn’t satisfied with that option. Now that he’s looked at the commander in this light, he can’t stop thinking about it. He’s not picky when it comes to relationships; he likes guys as well as girls. He likes the whole package, not a gender. But he hasn’t been in a relationship in a long time. Sometimes he wonders if he has indeed _ever_ been in a relationship, and not a mere fling. He can’t feel much; there is little point in sexual pleasure because of this. Little point in taking a partner.

And yet he can’t keep the thoughts from his mind. He wonders if it is because he has known Shepard longer than his other potential one night stands and the like, or because they are indeed friends at the moment. It somehow makes this different, makes it mean more in a way. Or maybe it’s because for the first time in a long time, it feels like… it just _feels_. He feels. It is as disconcerting as it is relieving.

A part of him does care about Shepard. Maybe it’s because they are actually friends, or maybe it’s something more, he’s not entirely sure. Thinking about it leaves him more confused, so he tries to keep it out of his mind and focus on other things.

Considering the fact they are preparing to launch a suicide mission, this doesn’t seem particularly hard. It’s hard to focus on much of anything other than the mission at this point.

He trains with Kasumi and Thane when he can. Kasumi proves surprisingly hard to hit, not that he wants to hit her anyway, but the challenge she presents is intriguing in a way. Thane is all swift moves and intellect; Kiyo has yet to win in a match against him, despite the fact the drell is currently sick and dying. He is still as fast and careful as ever. To look at him one wouldn’t even know he’s sick. Sometimes Kiyo finds it hard to believe, to look at this drell and think ‘he’s dying’.

After training he usually stops by the mess with Garrus, Kasumi, and Shepard. Sometimes others join them but it rarely seems to happen these days. Instead, Jack usually stays in her hidey-hole, Thane is usually meditating or something of the sort, Samara is meditating, Grunt doesn’t like large groups and seems to prefer his little area for the most part, Mordin is always working on something in his lab, Miranda is usually in her office being anti-social and scanning over reports, and Jacob is usually working on weapon upgrades. Occasionally he finds his way out of his own little lab, but it seems to happen rarely.

Everyone has their part to play here, after all. Everyone is busy attempting to plan for this suicide mission. Except Kiyo, it seems.

As the days and weeks pass and turn into months, he feels even more out of place, in a way. He interacts with his teammates easily enough, but as for a vital role in this mission… he’s not sure of his place, exactly. He must be important, he reminds himself, if the Illusive Man recommended him to Shepard in the first place.

Currently, he has been left behind yet again. Shepard took Miranda and Jack with him down to a derelict Reaper. They intend to investigate it and find out how to get through the Omega 4 Relay safely, though Kiyo doubts there will be anything remotely ‘safe’ about it. This is a suicide mission, after all.

He’s mildly irked, he decides finally, that Shepard has left him behind yet again. He left him behind when he helped Kasumi get Keiji’s memory box; he left him behind when he went to Tuchanka. He left him behind when helping Miranda with her sister on Ilium.

Kiyo’s not sure how to take this, really. The two discussed things, very briefly, and Shepard was out of it at the time, but this feels like he’s being avoided again. He is getting really tired of feeling this way. Of just _feeling_ in general. If he could feel pain, all of this would definitely make his head hurt, he’s sure.

_That man is so stubborn._

Shepherd can be very stubborn, and infuriating. Kiyo has lost count of how many times he’s become angered at the man, or by the man’s actions. However, Shepherd is human; he has the right to irritate people, despite the fact so many place him upon a pedestal as though he can do no wrong. They ask too much of him. Perhaps that is why he irks Kiyo; simply because he _can_. Maybe Shepherd realizes he can infuriate Kiyo, and Kiyo will still discuss things with him, treat him… like he is normal. Like he is not merely a legend, someone killed and brought back to life by Cerberus of all organizations…

Thinking about it too much leaves Kiyo sighing, though, his thoughts too jumbled to process correctly.

Instead of dwelling on it and the fact Shepherd has left him behind yet again, he decides to check in on his armor upgrades. He did get fitted for new armor, and it works fine, just like his old ones, but he hasn’t been able to properly test it out yet, since he’s been stuck on the ship. He’s getting restless, antsy; he doesn’t like the downtime. It was fine at first, because they were so busy he hardly noticed the downtime, but now… now it is blatantly obvious and he hates it.

He feels useless.

_Why am I here?_

He feels useless and like he is not truly part of the crew, and the doubts from earlier return.

Shoving the thoughts away once more, he heads to the armory. Jacob is there, as always; he looks up as Kiyo approaches and offers a small smile, dropping the piece of equipment he previously worked on – it looked like a scrap piece of metal to Kiyo.

“Checking on your armor?” Jacob asks.

Kiyo nods, walking toward the table where his armor rests in full display, clearly having been worked on recently. “How’s it coming along?”

“It should be just like your old armor,” Jacob tells him. “But you’re going to want to get a test run before we know for sure, I suppose. Though, I don’t recommend just jumping into a bullet to see if the alarms go off in your suit…”

Kiyo’s lips twist into a wry smirk. “I’d never dream of such a thing.”

Jacob laughed. “Of course not. It’s not like you’re on Shepard’s team or anything.”

At the mention of the commander, Kiyo falls silent, tearing his gaze away from Jacob to look solely upon his armor. It is mostly the same as his last armor; the same color and everything, but made of a slightly different material. It feels a little rougher to the touch, but he supposes that will fade away with use. Everything can be a little scratchy at first.

It’s why he hates breaking in new things – new boots, new armor, new clothes…

_Stupid Collectors and stupid Reapers and stupid people with their stupid weapons…_

As he attaches his new armor and tests it out, twisting this way and that, he smiles to himself because this will definitely do nicely. Jacob does good work. He tosses the dark-skinned man a toothy smile. “This is great,” he says enthusiastically. “When will it be completed?”

“I’ve just about finished tweaking it, but you’ll need to test it out before anything is known for certain,” Jacob tells him, smiling back. “And try not to get this armor destroyed. Think you can manage that?”

Kiyo scoffs as he takes off his armor and puts it back down on the table. “Please, I am the epitome of careful.”

Jacob rolls his eyes. “And Shepard is easy to kill,” he says sarcastically.

Kiyo smirks as he exits the armory, even as his thought stray back to Shepard. He was presumed dead after the destruction of the first Normandy; did Cerberus really bring him back to life, or just save him from the brink of death? Either way, Jacob was right – Malcolm Shepard is hard to kill.

He’s almost to the elevator when EDI announces that the ground team has returned; Shepard is back aboard the Normandy. Kiyo debates about going to him to discuss things.

Decides against it.

He’s tired of cornering Shepard and forcing him to talk to him. If the commander doesn’t wish to speak to him, he supposes he doesn’t have to. If he wants to ignore everything that’s happened between them, ignore the dream and the fact Kiyo said the attraction was mutual… then that is his choice.

Kiyo needs to accept that.

He just hates being ignored.

They don’t have to do anything; they can forget it if that’s what Shepard really wants, but does the man have to cut him out entirely? Kiyo doesn’t have a ton of friends, but he’s enjoying his interactions with everyone on the crew. He was enjoying his interactions with Shepard, too, and he considers the man a friend. A good friend.

But now…

Everything seems so messed up and he’s not sure how to fix it.

He doesn’t _fix_ things.

He’s much better at breaking them.

EDI’s small blue outline pops up when he’s in the mess, just starting to reach for the materials to fix him something quick to eat. He scowls at the little outline before the AI even starts talking.

“Commander Shepard wishes to see you in the CIC,” she tells him succinctly.

_It, not she. I know it sounds female, but…_

He really has more important things to worry about, he decides.

“What’s he want?” he asks tentatively.

“Unknown at this time,” EDI says. “Would you like me to ask him?”

“No,” he says with a sigh. “I’ll go to him.”

At least Shepard has summoned him, he supposes. He’s not being ignore entirely.

Baby steps.

xXx

Shepard is waiting for him in the doorway, arms folded across his chest. His lower lip is caught between his teeth and for a moment, that is where Kiyo’s gaze is drawn. He tears his gaze away, though, and shuffles further into the room, looking at the floor.

“You wanted to see me?” he asks.

“I wanted your opinion on something,” Shepard says.

Kiyo pauses, looking back up at the commander. “My opinion?”

“Well, yeah – we’re friends, aren’t we?”

_Are we? Sometimes I wonder…_

He smiles. “We are,” he says. “What do you need?”

“The derelict ship wasn’t so empty,” Shepard says. “We came across a Geth that… well… I think it might be on our side.”

Kiyo blinks at him, confused. “A Geth on our side? You must be joking.”

Shepard shakes his head, adding to Kiyo’s confusion. “I’m not, actually. It seemed… different. It’s turned off for now, but I was thinking about turning it on. I wanted your input.”

“My input…”

Kiyo drew in a slow breath. Shepard was here as a friend, in need of a listening ear and a helping hand. The scars on his face were glowing somewhat, and his eyes spoke of exhaustion whenever Kiyo glanced at them fully. He was tired, it had been a long day and a long mission, and he had new choices to make. He usually made them on his own, carried the burden alone, so the fact he was even _asking_ Kiyo was amazing itself.

“Are you positive it’s on our side? How sure are you?” he asks, because he needs to be sure. He’s fairly positive they can reactivate the Geth, even if it’s hostile. They can take care of it themselves, but if Shepard truly believes it is on their side… then that just might be a miracle.

Shepard cocks his head to the side, expression thoughtful as his teeth catch his lower lip once more. After biting momentarily at the tender skin, he releases his lip and nods, eyes focusing on Kiyo’s. Looking right at him, not through him. Not avoiding him at all.

“I do think it’s on our side, somehow,” Shepard says. “I can’t really explain it, but I do think it wants to help.”

Kiyo sighs heavily. “Then I trust your judgment. Let’s reactivate it.”

Shepard quirks a brow. “You’re coming with me?”

“Well, I’m not letting you reactivate it alone. I need to have _some_ of the action,” Kiyo says with a smirk.

Shepard smiles back, slowly.

It is progress.

Baby steps.

xXx

The Geth unit appears to be a multitude of ‘platforms’. Over 1,000 of them, to be exact. EDI offers the name Legion, and Shepard accepts. It is fitting, in a way. After speaking with the Geth for roughly an hour, Shepard is satisfied that Legion is indeed on their side, and is amazed what new information they have gathered on the Geth.

“That’s amazing,” Shepard comments as they’re leaving. “So not all the Geth are against us.”

“Enough of them are,” Kiyo tells him.

Shepard sighs, nodding slowly as they head toward the elevator. As they step inside, the commander sends him a quick glance.

“Armory,” Kiyo says. “Jacob thinks he’s done with my armor; I need to try it out.”

Shepard nods. “How is that coming along?” he asks as they elevator doors shut.

Kiyo shrugs. “Well enough. I’ll have to test it to find out for sure, though. It’s not an exact process. I was used to my old armor; this new armor will take some getting used to.”

It is why he dislikes getting new things. He hates breaking them in and learning everything new about it.

As the elevator moves up and the doors open, Kiyo moves to step out but is stopped by Shepard’s voice behind him. He stops partially outside the elevator, turning back just enough to look at the commander.

After calling him back, Shepard averts his gaze, catching his lip once more between his teeth. Hesitating. Then he sighs and looks back at Kiyo, looks him right in the eye, and Kiyo fights back a smile.

“I’ll be in my cabin for a bit if you would like to join me later.”

Kiyo blinks at the invitation; he doesn’t know what they will be doing in Shepard’s cabin, but even if they just sit in awkward silence for a while, that’s fine with him because Shepard has looked him in the eye and offered an invitation to his cabin. Kiyo needs to find no excuse to go there; he does not need to corner Shepard into talking to him again.

Baby steps.

He grins. “Sure, I’ll do that. I won’t be long in the Armory,” he says. “And I’d like to go on the next mission, if that’s okay – I need to test out my armor. I’m going to do a quick test now, of course, but I mean… It would be nice to get off the ship, Mal.”

Shepard relaxes at the use of the nickname. It always seems to have some sort of effect on him; Kiyo tries not to use it too much so it does not lose its charm. The commander smiles back at him and nods.

“Sounds like a plan, Kiyo,” Shepard says, and with that, Kiyo nods and steps completely out of the elevator, allowing the doors to finally close.

They shut on Shepard’s smirk, and Kiyo turns away to head toward the Armory once again.

Jacob isn’t present; Kiyo assumes he is down in the mess. His stomach growls slightly and he is reminded he has not eaten in a while, but right now, he has plans. He needs to attach his armor and find a sparring partner to shoot at him just so he can tell his sensors are working properly in his armor.

He decides to hunt down Grunt; he’s always up for shooting people.

Hell, the first time Shepard woke him, he nearly choked the commander.

Grunt is all-too-willing to help. He does his version of a laugh, and they head to the shuttle area.

xXx

Two hours later he’s exiting the elevator on the top floor, and the door to the Captain’s Cabin stares back at him. For a moment, he lingers, uncertain – then he steps forward and knocks lightly.

_He’s probably not in there anymore. It’s been hours._

He admits he got carried away with Grunt, but he needed the exercise, and the action, and it was _fun_. He and Grunt both enjoyed themselves, and the end, the Krogan clapped him on the back with that little laugh of his, and said he was ‘alright for a human’.

_He might be asleep. I’m too late._

And that is… upsetting, in its own way.

But then the door is opening, and Shepard stands there, facial scars glowing, one eye closed in pain. Kiyo steps forward instantly, to do _what_ he’s not sure, but he can’t be useless right now. He grabs Shepard’s arm and pulls him back into the room as he brushes past the commander.

“Have you been to see Chakwas?” he asks.

“Not much she can really do about it,” Shepard sighs. “Didn’t get bad until about an hour ago.”

“Did you go see her? She gave you something for it last time, right?”

Shepard shakes his head, then winces, rubbing a hand across his face. “She gave me something to knock me out for a bit, since I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t sleeping so great. She can’t really do anything about _this_.”

As he says ‘this’ he gestures at his face, sighing heavily.

“What’s causing this, do we know?” Kiyo asks, because he doesn’t like seeing his friend, his commander, like this. “Is it really just stress?”

_Or something more?_

They sit at the small table in the room, Shepard across from him.

“Stress, I think,” Shepard says with a shrug. “It’s uncertain. Sometimes they just flare up, other times they’re fine. The funny thing is I don’t feel too _stressed_ right now, so I don’t know why they’re… I don’t know why they’re glowing again.”

Kiyo frowns; that doesn’t sound good.

Shepard hesitates, looking away. “Okay, maybe I’m a little stressed. Learning all of that about the Geth is…”

Kiyo nods. “I understand. It’s amazing, but worrisome, too. Not a lot of people are going to accept this.”

Shepard shakes his head. “Maybe it’s good that Tali isn’t here…” he says, mostly to himself.

“Who is Tali? They served with you on the SR-1, right?” Kiyo asks, as the name is familiar, but he can’t quite place it.

Shepard nods. “Yeah, she’s a Quarian. They hate the Geth for taking their home world. I can’t imagine them getting along.”

“Then maybe it _is_ best she’s not here,” Kiyo agrees. They don’t need infighting on their hands, and he can’t see a Quarian and a Geth getting along.

When Shepard winces again, Kiyo sighs.

“Are you sure there’s nothing she can do for your scars?”

“Why, they bother you?” Shepard asks, quirking a brow.

Kiyo scowls. “No.”

“… They bother me.”

The words are quiet, uncertain. Hesitant, like he doesn’t mean to say them. For a moment there is silence.

“Don’t let them bother you,” Kiyo says quietly. “They’re not terrible. Sure, they glow sometimes, but…”

“They’re _unnatural_ ,” Shepard says distastefully, gaze focused elsewhere. Then, a little more firmly: “ _I’m_ unnatural.”

“You’re not,” Kiyo says. “Why would you think that?”

“Cerberus brought me back to life. I was _dead_. I died over a planet; I died gasping for air, and yet here I am, and…” Shepard’s hands clench into fists before unclenching, and repeating the process several times. His posture stiffens; his lips purse into a thin, angry line. “And it’s two years in the future but to me it hasn’t been that long. I blinked and everything’s different. _I’m_ different.”

And now Kiyo can really see what has been bothering the commander. Why Horizon was so difficult for him. Kaidan Alenko had two years to get over whatever they had; Shepard had two weeks. He tries to imagine himself in a similar position, and fails. It is unthinkable, and now he can understand the reason Shepard has been pulling away from him, even if Shepard won’t say it outright.

“You’re not different,” he says softly, and Shepard’s hands are fists again.

“I am,” Shepard says vehemently. “I’m different and unnatural and every day these scars remind me. I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I’m different and everyone is _doubting_ me and…” He draws in a slow, steady breath, hands unclenching. “I’m sorry, Kiyo. I didn’t mean to lay all this on you. I think this headache is getting to me. If you don’t mind, I think I’d like to just lay down.”

Kiyo stares at him for a moment; Shepard is still not looking at him, and that was a dismissal if he’s ever heard one. But now he can see a little more into the psyche of the commander, and more things make sense. The way he was hesitant to be friends at first; the way he shied away from everyone after Alenko on Horizon; the way he gave in so easily on Eexor…

_He really is stressed if he’s been carry this around with him, alone._

But he has finally told Kiyo.

“Malcolm, look at me.”

The line of Shepard’s shoulders tense.

“Look at me,” he says again, firmly.

Finally, Shepard does, shoulders slouching in defeat as his blue eyes connect with Kiyo’s.

Kiyo smiles at him. “No one is doubting you, Shepard.”

If they doubted him, they wouldn’t agree to be on this ship. They wouldn’t be on this suicide mission with them.

“They are, though,” Shepard says. “I look at Garrus and all I see is doubt in his eyes. Kaidan… Kaidan is the most trusting man I’ve ever met, always gives everyone a chance, and… and he can’t even stand to look at me.”

Again with Alenko. If Kiyo ever sees him again he’s going to tear into the guy.

“Garrus is your friend,” Kiyo tells him honestly. “He worries about you, yes, but he doesn’t _doubt_ you. If he did, he wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be with _Cerberus_. As for Alenko… I know that must have been hard for you, but don’t let it get to you. His problems are his own. Remember, it has been two years for him; he might be doubtful, but not of you. If he truly doubted you, I doubt he would have spoken to you on Horizon; he would have just shot you, or captured you.”

As Kiyo speaks, Shepard listens with rapt attention, sharp blue eyes watching him. The glow from the scars is a contrast to the bright blue of his eyes, but that’s okay. The scars are a part of him, and they are intriguing to say the least. They tell a story. Every scar tells a story, and that is why no one should ever be ashamed of them, and no one should ever judge a person because of them. Kiyo certainly has his fair share of scars.

At the end, Shepard releases a heavy sigh, and smirks. “You’re a good friend.”

Kiyo grins. “Thank you, I try. But seriously, Mal, don’t let Alenko get you down. And don’t let the scars bother you; they’re a part of you, but they don’t define you.”

Shepard’s shoulders relax. “I don’t know about you, but I could go for some Serrice Ice Brandy.”

“Oh, definitely,” Kiyo says with a smirk. “But what about your scars? Aren’t they still hurting?”

“Actually, the pain is dying down,” Shepard says with a shrug. “Are they still glowing?”

“A little, but it’s dying down,” Kiyo tells him. “They’re not really bothering you anymore?”

“Not right this moment, no.”

“Good. So, about this brandy…”

 


	11. Friends [Shepard's POV]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terribly sorry about the delay... I had this chapter written right after chapter 10 but only posted it on fanfiction for some reason xD Anyway, here is this chapter, and I will hopefully try to update soon. It's just a matter of playing through the games again, which takes time I don't typically have. Ugh. Right now I'm still playing through Dragon Age: Inquisition again xD But we'll see how it goes. As always, comments are appreciated and keep me updating :)

Chapter Eleven: Friends [Shepard’s POV]

 

_Tali is in trouble._

Shepard’s jaw clenches as he eyes the galaxy map. Tali is down on a planet near a doomed sun and is surrounded by Geth. At first, he feels a burst of anger toward Legion, but that quickly fades. Legion has done nothing to warrant his anger; he has been an ideal member of the crew, lurking through the halls but mostly staying in the Core, keeping to himself. Itself. It doesn’t have a gender, but Shepard feels like it’s a ‘him’ nevertheless. Maybe it’s the voice, or the design; he’s not sure, but calling it ‘it’ doesn’t feel right, just like calling EDI ‘it’ doesn’t feel right. EDI is she, and Legion is he. They might be machines, but they have their own minds.

And now Tali is in trouble – because of the Geth.

Tali is on a secret mission for the Fleet, but she’s in trouble and Shepard won’t let her die down on the planet, Haestrom. He won’t allow it. She is his friend; they were close on the Normandy SR-1. He remembers her lurking around in the engine room with Adams, always asking questions and eager to learn more. The thought of her just perishing on that planet…

“EDI,” Shepard says.

EDI’s blue outline appears. “Yes, Shepard?”

“Tell Kiyo and Grunt to suit up. We’re going to save Tali.”

“Very well, Commander.”

Her outline disappears, and Shepard turns away from the galaxy map.

He heads up to his cabin and stares at the empty fish tank for a moment, knowing they are still about twenty minutes away from Haestrom. The planet is dangerous at the moment; direct sunlight will eat at their shields and injure them if they stay in it too long. They will have to stay in the shadows, while fighting who knows how many Geth.

But Tali is worth it. She is his friend. She trusted him before; sure, she didn’t join him, but that was because her loyalty was with her Fleet now, and he understood. She might have been wary of him at first, but she did trust him. She said she was happy he was alive, which was more than he could say for Kaidan.

_Kaidan…_

Thoughts of Kaidan are better left in the dark recesses of his mind. He does not have time nor the patience for such thoughts anymore. Nevertheless, the memories are there, haunting him. Two months ago, they were together; now Kaidan doesn’t trust him, and it’s two years in the future for everyone but Shepard, and it’s _not fair_. It’s not fair. He feels like he’s a child, whining because something was taken from him, whining because things aren’t going his way, but it’s not fair. He didn’t ask for this; he didn’t want this. He was thrust into this, and now Kaidan doesn’t trust him.

Liara was happy to see him, and they hugged it out, but truthfully, he wonders if she’s wary of him, too. She seemed genuinely happy, but then that was Liara – she was always kind, and sometimes a bit awkward, but that’s what Shepard liked about her.

Garrus was wary, too; sometimes Shepard wonders if he’s _still_ wary. Occasionally he catches the Turian looking at him, feels his gaze on him. And there’s a touch of doubt in his gaze, inevitably.

And now, Tali…

Tali is in danger, and even if she’s wary of him, too, he is going to save her. He remembers the open, honest, somewhat quirky Quarian on the Normandy SR-1; remembers their talks, and he can’t let anything happen to her.

_You don’t have time to think about all of this. Pull yourself together._

What was it Kiyo said just yesterday?

_“Don’t let it get you down.”_

And he won’t. He can’t. He can’t afford to be anything but 100% Commander Shepard.

Gritting his teeth, he walks back out of his cabin and toward the elevator.

They have work to do.

xXx

It is _hot_ on Haestrom; he sweats under his armor, and knows he will have to clean it later. Right now, though, he is more focused on the fact the shadows are few and far between, and they need to stay in them if they don’t want the sun’s rays to injure them. It is dangerous, and while they have not seen any Geth yet, Shepard knows they are nearby.

He waves his hand forward, and Kiyo easily slides into the cover up ahead, in the shade. As he runs through the sunlight his shields take damage; they take a moment to recharge. Grunt lingers behind Shepard as they both move forward toward a larger area of shade, barely running through the sunlight.

“How’s the armor holding up?” Shepard asks.

Kiyo glances back at him briefly. “It’s fine, Commander.”

_Commander._

That’s right; he’s Commander Shepard here, on a mission. Malcolm Shepard can’t exist right now, only Commander Shepard.

Shepard draws in a breath and leads the way forward, running through the sun’s rays. His shields scream at him as they dwindle down, nearly broken. They make it shade and take a moment to let their shields recharge, as they are going to have to run through the sun once again.

A ship flies by overhead; Geth are suddenly attacking, dropping from the ship and taking cover, even as they start firing at Shepard and his team.

“Get down,” Shepard orders, and Kiyo and Grunt take cover off to his right.

Shepard takes his own cover and summons his combat drone, which quickly heads toward one of the Geth. A rocket flies past his head; a Geth Prime stands among them, in the center of a large area of shade. Shepard ducks back beneath his cover as another shot is launched his way.

His drone shoots at the Prime, but does little against its strong shield. It is why Shepard hates them so much; their shields are nearly impenetrable, and they are strong and accurate with their shots. Kiyo’s barrage attack rains down on the Prime, greatly weakening its shields, and Shepard’s drone manages to finish off the shields before it disappears, dwindling to nothing, falling apart.

Shepard waits for the ability to recharge; summoning it again so soon will make it weaker, and will drain Shepard’s energy. He must wait; it is risky otherwise.

“Heh, heh, always fun with you, Shepard,” Grunt says as he kills one of the Geth units with his shotgun.

Shepard grins despite himself, and uses a cryo blast against a Geth approaching their position. It becomes frozen solid, but it will not last very long. Quickly, he pulls out his pistol and shoots at the frozen enemy, shattering it to nothing. As it falls to the ground, he looks away, focusing on the Geth Prime advancing on their position.

The Prime takes their shots with ease, and continues shooting rockets at them. The area next to Shepard explodes, bits of wall and debris slamming into him, forcing him out of cover and into the sunlight. His shields quickly dwindle even as he raises his hand, summoning his combat drone. The Prime looks right at him, and shoots. There is no way Shepard can dodge in time.

The shot hurts; it hits him square in the stomach and he’s launched backwards, further into the sunlight as his shields quickly shatter from both the sun and the rocket hitting him. His armor dents, fractures, breaks. Everything hurts as he slides across the ground, finally rolling to a stop. He is dizzy and sore and can’t even think about getting up right now, but the sunlight is raining down on him and it _hurts_. It burns, and it’s so hot and yet so cold and _what is happening…_

“Shepard!” Kiyo shouts, and suddenly the blonde is in front of him, reaching for him, grabbing his shoulder and rolling him over. It’s so hot, and now the sun is on his face and he quickly closes his eyes, groaning.

“Heh, heh, now you’re dead,” Grunt says, still fighting the Prime, keeping it distracted as Kiyo quickly drags Shepard through the sunlight, toward nearby shade.

As soon as they enter the shade, Shepard feels like he can breathe again. Breathing is painful, and there’s the distinctive feel of medi-gel being administered. Kiyo is speaking but he can’t hear anything right now, save for the rushing of his blood through his system, roaring in his head.

“-hear me?”

 Shepard blinks slowly; Kiyo’s face hovers over his own, brows drawn together.

“Can you hear me?” Kiyo repeats, and yes, Shepard can hear him now. The medi-gel is working, it seems.

He nods, and immediately regrets it as pain shoots through his head.

“The Prime is dead,” Grunt offers as he joins them. “You need to work on catching rockets, Shepard.”

Shepard laughs despite himself, and the pain is immense, leaving him gasping.

“You have a few cracked ribs,” Kiyo tells him, placing a hand solidly on his chest, pressing him back into the ground, keeping him from moving. “Take it easy; I can’t heal broken bones, but the bruising should die away. You’re not bleeding much, and I don’t sense any internal bleeding. You’ll be okay, just sore.”

Shepard sighs; of course he has cracked ribs. That’s just perfect.

“You’ll be okay,” Kiyo says again.

Shepard nods once more, and the medi-gel is really kicking in because the pain isn’t as sharp this time. Kiyo’s hand moves away and Shepard slowly sits him, wincing as he wraps an arm around his middle, but his arm does little to help him through the armor. The busted armor. He’s going to need to get that fixed.

“Let’s keep moving,” he says as he pushes to his feet.

“Maybe we should get you back to the Normandy and have Chakwas look at your ribs,” Kiyo says, frowning.

“No,” Shepard says, shaking his head. “We need to get to Tali.”

They have to find Tali and save her; he can’t abandon the mission, can’t abandon her.

He pushes forward, and Kiyo and Grunt follow after him silently.

xXx

Getting to Tali is difficult; there is a Geth Colossus blocking their way, but they manage to save a Quarian and kill the Colossus despite its size and strength. It was difficult, and Shepard is sore, and Kiyo is limping, but they managed to defeat it and get inside.

Tali is inside, and she is safe.

Everyone else is dead save for Kal’Reegar and Tali. Tali takes it hard, but knows the mission comes first.

She and Shepard hug; she’s warm against him despite his armor, and then her hands are running across the front of his armor, checking the damage.

“What happened?” she asks softly.

“Geth Prime,” Shepard says. “We didn’t agree with each other, but it’s fine.”

She nods slowly. “It’s good to see you, Shepard.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Tali.”

He can’t see through her mask, save for her eyes, but he is sure she is smiling. She is truly happy to see him; there is no doubt in her eyes that he can see. Just like before, she trusts him.

It feels _nice_.

Being trusted, not being doubted…

Maybe there is hope. Maybe he isn’t as damaged as he thought. Maybe he’s still himself.

Kiyo clears his throat behind them. “We should probably get out of here; no offense.”

“You’re right,” Tali says, looking over Shepard’s shoulder at Kiyo. “I’m sorry, I do not think we have met. My name is Tali. Tali’Zorah nar Rayyah.”

“I’m Kiyo.”

“Grunt,” comes the grunted response from the Krogan.

“I am ready to leave, Shepard,” she says, before glancing at her Quarian teammate. “How are you?”

“I am well,” Kal’Reegar replies. “I am ready to leave, as well.”

Shepard nods. “Let’s get out of here. Tali – before we go… it would be nice to have you on the Normandy…”

Tali laughs quietly, and he knows she is smiling. Her eyes shine through the mask. “It would be nice to be there, Shepard. But first I have to complete my mission.”

Shepard nods; it’s not a no, but it’s not a yes, either.

But there is hope.

If he can have even half of his old crew back… that would be great.

Chakwas, Garrus, Tali, Joker… it is nice to have them back. Wrex is busy leading a clan and can’t join them; Shepard understands. Wrex has responsibilities now that he can’t just abandon, and that’s fine. Liara, too, has certain duties she must attend to right now, and cannot join them. That, too, is fine. Kaidan…

_Don’t think about him._

But it’s so hard to not think about him. This Normandy is so similar to the original Normandy in a lot of ways, but also different in others. It’s bigger, of course, but certain areas are almost identical to the original Normandy, and Shepard has a lot of memories of him and Kaidan aboard the Normandy SR-1.

But Kaidan is in the past, now. He doesn’t trust him anymore.

A hand lands on his shoulder. He tenses at first, then relaxes when he realizes it’s Kiyo.

“Let’s go,” Shepard says, pulling away. “We’ll get you back to your Fleet.”

xXx

It’s three days before they make it to the Migrant Fleet; during that time, Shepard and Tali spend time together, catching up. She laughs at his awkward jokes, and he laughs at her attempts to use human phrases. Kiyo joins them occasionally, and he and Tali talk about the interfaces in his armor. Tali is intrigued. She is also intrigued by the ship, and a lot of her time is spent wandering around, investigating every little nook and cranny she can find.

Then she has to leave with Kal’Reegar when they make it to the Migrant Fleet. They linger for a few hours, waiting, but hear nothing from Tali stating she will be joining them on their mission. Shepard paces in his cabin as they wait; he needs Tali with them. He needs at least part of his old crew. He needs to know he’s still himself, and he can’t be himself without his crew.

A day passes, and just as they are about to leave – they have other things to attend to, after all – Tali contacts Shepard, saying she will be joining them and she is getting ready, and not to leave without her. Shepard smiles at the message and quickly replies, and a half hour later, Tali is back aboard the Normandy, and quickly migrates to engineering.

And for a moment, everything is like it was in the past – Tali and Garrus are both here, both with him, and he has Joker and Chakwas. If he closes his eyes, he can almost believe he’s back aboard the Normandy SR-1, and everything is fine. There was no death; he didn’t die. He just had a bad dream.

But the lack of Kaidan is troublesome, and when he opens his eyes, the illusion shatters. He is not aboard the Normandy SR-1; he died. Everything is _not_ fine. This isn’t a bad dream, but a waking nightmare.

There’s a careful knock at his door, ripping him from his thoughts. His face and head hurts; his ribs throb, too. They are healing nicely, according to Chakwas. The bone-knitter can fix broken bones, but his bones are not broken, only cracked, and they must heal on their own. He will be sore for a while.

He opens his door and finds Kiyo standing there, looking hesitant, which is not a look Shepard particularly likes on the blonde. Kiyo wears his fatigues, and his hair is tussled; he looks like he just woke up.

“Hey,” Shepard says.

Kiyo takes in a breath. “Hi,” says the blonde. “Uh… I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Is everything okay?” Shepard asks.

“I… don’t know. I mean, yeah. Everything’s fine,” Kiyo says, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I’m here. Sorry for bothering you, Commander.”

With that, the blonde turns to walk away. Shepard catches his arm, stopping him. Kiyo looks back at him with a frown.

“Come in here,” Shepard says, dragging the blonde inside, not giving him a choice.

The door closes and they are alone in Shepard’s cabin.

“What’s wrong?” Shepard asks. “You can talk to me, you know. I mean – you let me talk to you, don’t you? This is what friends are for.”

Kiyo smiles faintly; it is better than that hesitant look from before. They sit in their usual spots on the couch and chair across from it, the table separating them.

“So, what’s wrong?” Shepard asks.

Kiyo takes in a breath, before sighing heavily. “I had a… dream…”

“A dream? What kind of dream?”

“There were… bugs… all around me. From Horizon. Just… the swarm was around me and I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. I hate feeling like that.”

Shepard nods in understanding; he hates feeling like that, too. Back on Eexor, when he was nearly handed over to the Collectors, he was paralyzed by part of the swarm; it felt terrible losing control of his body like that, and he hopes to never experience it again.

“It just… got me thinking,” Kiyo says, rubbing a hand somewhat awkwardly along the back of his neck, his gaze focused down on the table.

“About what?”

“About the mission. Where we’re going… there’s going to be a lot of those bugs, huh?”

Shepard grimaces. “Probably.”

“Is Mordin going to have enough, uh… anti-swarm stuff for all of us? How long does it last? Who knows how long we’ll be there? Sorry, sorry – it’s just… this is the first time I’m really thinking about our destination, I guess.”

Shepard nods. “I understand. I’ve had similar dreams.”

Kiyo’s gaze snaps toward him. “You have?”

“Yeah, especially after… after Eexor.”

Kiyo winces. “I almost forgot you were, uh… paralyzed by them.”

Shepard shrugs. “I get nightmares, too. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. And I’m worried about our destination as well. No one has ever gone through the Omega 4 Relay and lived. We don’t know what’s through the relay. It’s a guessing game, and if we somehow don’t die instantly… then we’re going to have a hell of a fight on our hands.”

Kiyo shifts uneasily. “I didn’t even think of that. I didn’t even think of the fact we might not even _get_ to the fight. All of this team gathering… all of the resources… it might all be for nothing, if we die immediately.”

They might not even make it to the Collector’s home area; they might die as soon as they go through the relay. It is a thought which has nagged at Shepard’s mind from time to time; now it is bothering Kiyo. It is something he can understand. A fear he has as well.

“We’ll make it through the relay, Kiyo,” Shepard tells him.

Kiyo swallows, looking at him. “How do you know?”

“Because I didn’t come back to life to simply die again without a good fight.”

xXx

Tali and Kasumi seem to hit it off immediately; they are often found in the mess together, or discussing technology in engineering, and seem to be inseparable these days. Shepard is glad they are hitting it off; everyone needs friends these days, and it is nice seeing Kasumi with a genuine smile in her voice since the passage of Keiji and destroying the memory-box.

Inevitably comes the subject of Kaidan; honestly, Shepard is surprised Tali has waited this long to ask. But since they have Joker, Chakwas, and Garrus with them, and Shepard has already mentioned that Liara is on Illium and Wrex is on Tuchanka… asking about Kaidan only seems like a natural progression. Tali says she and Kaidan lost contact about a year after Shepard’s death; everything he does is now classified, she says. Getting a hold of him is difficult.

Shepard tells her about Horizon, leaving out the fact Kaidan doesn’t trust him anymore. He just says Kaidan had a job to do, and couldn’t join them on this mission. Tali understands, as it is why she couldn’t join Shepard on Freedom’s Progress. He thinks she might know more than she’s letting on, though – like she can hear the words he isn’t saying, because her eyes watch him a little longer, and then her hand is on his shoulder as she’s passing him by, to head back to Engineering.

Shepard leaves the mess, and heads toward Life Support. Thane is meditating as he enters, and he quickly backsteps to leave, but the Drell’s calm voice stops him.

“You are not bothering me, Shepard. I welcome our talks.”

The Drell’s eyes open, and Shepard smirks as he further enters the room. “I should probably knock before I enter, huh?”

“Nonsense; my door is always open.”

Thane is a good person. A good alien. Shepard is happy to have him onboard, happy to have him as… a friend.

_Are we friends?_

He thinks back to their many conversations and decides that, yes, they are friends. They have to be friends, because he can’t imagine going on a suicide mission with vague allies.

Everyone on this ship… they are his friends. From Yeoman Kelly Chambers, to the people who prepare his food in the mess, to Ken and Gabby in Engineering, to all of his old crew back onboard, to Mordin Solus, Kiyo Montoya, and even the Cerberus workers, Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson.

They are his friends.

It is… refreshing to realize this.

Like breathing anew.

Like finding his footing when before he was falling, and for the first time since he woke up on a Cerberus base, he feels okay.

Like maybe he’s _not_ unnatural, and maybe they might walk away from this suicide mission. He has to believe that. He has to believe they’ll be walking away from this; it’s what he told Kiyo, after all, he doesn’t think he was lying to his friend.

_We’ll make it through this._

“Is there something I can do for you, Shepard?” Thane asks in his usual deep, calm voice.

It is always soothing, relaxing stiff muscles Shepard didn’t know he had. “I, uh… just wanted to talk, really. I like our talks.”

“As do I,” Thane tells him. “What would you wish to discuss?”

“Well, we spent last time discussing your past,” Shepard says with a shrug. “I suppose it’s only fair for you to pick the topic today.”

They don’t have daily talks, but sometimes it almost feels like they do. Shepard enjoys speaking with Thane, and comes to him when he needs to clear his head. Just talking, or listening to Thane speak, helps him relax. But he supposes having a good friend listen to you will do that, and he knows Thane will not judge him for anything. And his voice is calming.

“Very well,” Thane says with a nod. “Tell me about dying.”

Shepard stiffens, though he knows it only makes sense for Thane to ask about this, and it was only a matter of time before the subject came up. Thane himself is dying, though to look at him, one can’t really tell he is sick. In combat his aim is as good as ever, better than most, and he is truly a force to be reckoned with. There is no stammer in speech, not pallor to his face, but he is dying nevertheless. The disease will become more noticeable in time. Shepard is not looking forward to it. However, since he is dying, it only makes sense for him to ask about death.

And since Shepard is the only person – that he knows of – who has died and lived to tell the tale… then is he is the perfect – and only – person to ask.

“I don’t know,” Shepard says slowly. “I died suffocating over a planet. I don’t think our deaths will exactly be similar…”

“It matters not,” Thane says. “Tell me about your death, if you do not mind. If it is too personal, I apologize.”

Shepard shakes his head. “No, no… it’s not too person. I’ve just never talked to anyone about it before, that’s all. What would you like to know about it?”

“How long did it last?”

_Forever. A few minutes. A few seconds. I couldn’t have lived that long with no oxygen in space of all things. I know that. But it felt…_

“Time is relative when you’re suffocating,” he says finally. “I know it probably wasn’t more than a minute. But it felt like… an eternity.”

Thane nods as though he understands. “Tell me what you are willing.”

And Shepard starts from the beginning – he starts with the attack on the Normandy, and tearing out of Kaidan’s arms to throw on his armor.

The attack was sudden; he was asleep when it started. The Normandy had the best stealth systems; no ship should have been able to see it. And yet…

He relives the nightmare again, speaking about it for the first time since it happened.

xXx

_He can’t breathe, hovering over a planet._

_It feels a lot like falling._

Shepard wakes with a gasp, his face burning and head throbbing. He can’t see completely out of his left eye; at first he thinks it’s just the darkness in his room, but even as he adjusts the lights and sees the glow from the fish tank, his vision is still dark in that eye. Wincing, he staggers out of bed but feels a wave of vertigo slam into him.

“EDI,” he rasps weakly, the rumble of even his voice too much at the moment.

“Yes, Shepard? Your vitals are spiking; is everything all right?” she asks, and he’s not sure if an AI can be worried if it’s all just in his head.

His head is _killing him_.

“Y-Yeah, just… _fuck_ …”

He runs a hand across his face, rubbing at his eye, and then groans audibly afterward. Touching his face only makes it burn more; the red glow is obvious.

“Shepard? Shall I call for Dr. Chakwas?”

_An AI is NOT worried about you… that’s just silly._

“N-No, that’s… that’s okay, just…”

“Would you like me to call for anyone?”

He’s not sure; he’s not sure why he asked for EDI in the first place. Everything hurts.

“Kiyo,” he finally utters. “Just Kiyo…”

“Very well, Shepard. I will call for him.”

A pause.

“He is on his way.”

Shepard collapses back into his bed, killing the lights. “Let him in when he gets here.”

“Of course, Shepard.”

Every beat of his heart is felt in his head; it _hurts_. Shepard is no stranger to pain; he is familiar with its heated grasp. During his N7 days, they had a mantra – _pain is just a state of mind_. And now…

Now, it is failing him.

He’s above Alchera all over again. He’s suffocating alone in space.

His lungs ache.

He can’t breathe.

It _hurts_.

As consciousness fades, he hears knocking at his door. A voice calling out to him.

_EDI will let him in…_

He fights against the oncoming darkness as the door whirs open, and footsteps pad quickly across the room toward the bed.

“Shepard?” comes Kiyo’s tentative voice. “Are you… awake?”

“Commander Shepard is indeed awake,” EDI says. “He requested your presence, and appears to be in pain.”

“Malcolm?” Kiyo asks again, closer this time. A hand touches his shoulder. Shepard groans. “What’s wrong?”

“M’ head ‘urts…” Shepard says pathetically.

“Your scars are glowing again,” Kiyo says, a weight settling next to him on the bed. The hand touching his shoulder tightens. “I’m going to call for Dr. Chakwas, okay?”

“No,” Shepard says, wincing. “It’ll pass…”

“This is ridiculous, Shepard. You’re barely conscious and obviously in pain; she can help. I’m calling Chakwas. EDI, get Chakwas up here, _now_.”

“Of course, Kiyo.”

“Belay that, EDI,” Shepard says, forcing the words to come out more clearly than before as he blinks painfully. Every movement his face makes just makes it _burn_. “ ‘m _fine_.”

“Malcolm, this is _not_ fine. She can help you.”

“No…”

“Mal, let me call her.”

_Mal…_

Shepard sighs and closes his eyes.

Kiyo takes this as consent, and when he tells EDI to call for Chakwas again, Shepard doesn’t stop him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Not everything is going to be correct. I haven't read any of the books, or the comics, or really even looked online. I go by what I've figured out through gameplay, and even then I don't know everything, because my TV won't let me read the info about things. Like the messages you receive, or intel about various things. I can't read it because my TV is so grainy and the letters come out really tiny. So there are going to be mistakes. Just deal with it, yeah? And let me know what you think, please!!


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